Postal Installment #0021

Kiss my Irish Republican ass, you Leftist puke.

On December 21, 2011, Jay D. Dyson (aka Cancer Omega) left us. We will always remember Jay as a warm and caring friend, husband, and father who never took life for granted and loved his friends and family above all else. This edition of "Going Postal" is dedicated to his memory.
-- Jericho, Lyger, Apathetic Lucidity

ASCII boobies

do it in the road

and he was being nice (for him)

reputational integrity

world domination

a three-fer

curtain kleenex


crime and punishment


stop... BeAsTaH time.

(BeAsTaH (aka DownSyndrome Defac3r) is a long-time fan / friend. These are his stories... or something.)

tell me sweet little lies

peanut butter with nuts

double-fist +1

special sauce


it starts with hugz


hiding the evidence

and they taste like spearmint

we vote #1

you can put on makeup, but you can't hide crazy

so, we weren't kidding...

a different type of "interior design"

leg humping

our type of help desk

you disclaim, we disclaim

halliburton fascists

lawyers, spammers..

difficult concept to grasp

it doesn't happen often

the cluestick missed

Happy Holidays - Welcome to Staff Postal

For only the sixth time ever, the staff and volunteers at reveal our "uber-intellect" and "inner workings" to you, our faithful readers. We sometimes discuss information security, server management, and recent TSA failures. Most of the time, we talk about buttholes (both literal and figurative), bridal veils (think: sushi), and spoilers for episodes of TV shows the other staff members haven't watched yet. Before we proceed, a few words of holiday cheer from us:

Cancer Omega:

Dear Santa,

First off, many thanks to you. Thinking up Kwanzaa was a fucking master stroke. Who else but you could think up a completely fake "African holiday" that's celebrated by nobody but white, female, elementary school teachers? Let me tell you, it sure as hell helps me empty out the clearance bins at Politically-Correct-Dumbfucks-R-Us on December 26th. And you were right, doubling the prices and then saying it's "on sale" made all that craptastic junk move like hotcakes. You're a fucking genius, man. Don't ever change.

Secondly, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind taking on an extra load for delivery this Christmas Eve. Y'see, I got all this spare lead, melamine, and cadmium just laying around doing nothing. I figure the Chinese have got to be running low on the stuff since they've been shipping it to us all year. If you don't mind, drop all this shit on Beijing for a change. I figure sauce for the goose and all that. Y'know what I'm sayin'?

Finally, my Christmas request. I don't want anything from your shop. Rather, I'd just like a copy of your naughty list. Please limit the demographic to girls between the ages of 18 and 27 and we'll call it even.

Looking forward to your visit. You know where the Scotch and cigars are, so help yourself.

...and Merry Christmas from one old fart to another.

Mage (aka Sanjay, the attrition intern):

Dear Santa -

It's that time of the year again, and I'd like to make a humble request of your Big Jollyness this year. I've been quite a good person and hope you will bring me something that I am asking for. This year, I'd like:

1) Hot kinky sex with Thirteen. Or even regular sex with Quorra as a stocking stuffer. (no pun intended)

2) Civility to return to American political discourse. Integrity and rationality would be nice as well, but I'm not being greedy this year.

3) For "cyber" to no longer serve as the go-to prefix in words describing something that society is told it needs to start worrying about. (Unless it is used during 'Tron:Legacy', that is.)

4) For Star Wars The Old Republic to be such an amazing and awesome gaming experience that it utterly and completely tries to consume my time in 2011.

But as you know, the holidays are a season of giving. And thus, in the spirit of Attrition-esque giving, I'd like to give my traditional Battery Acid Enema (tm) to anyone involved within the Department of Homeland Security who thinks groping, molesting, and/or irradiating law-abiding citizens or their children or grandparents in the name of protecting them is a "good thing." You want to hold up our ability to travel freely and retain some modicum of dignity? Ho-ho-hold that enemy in, ladies and gents of the TSA, while we webcast your squirming. Then you can talk to us about dignity and privacy.



- More donations to the EFF. There's been such an increase in bullshit with how politicians want to control the Internet, our free speech, and our privacy. These folks are here to help.

- More time to play developer and build things instead of just breaking them all the time.

- A new GI system so I can keep eating spicy foods without all of the heartburn. Or maybe a portable IV drip of pepto.

Apathetic Lucidity:

OoOoOoOo! 3y3 nub h0l1d4y gr33t1ng5!@@$@#%@

Dear Santa,

What the fuck? Seriously. What. The. FUCK?

I go out and bust my ass 60+ hours a week and am lucky to be able to afford a bag of Cheese Doodles with the price of everything going through the fucking roof. And whilst I am shortening my life span that cock-gobbling shitbag Greg Evans is living high on the hog? What the fuck kind of world is that? I think it is only fair that you strike that asshat down and direct his moola my way. I mean shit, that's gotta be easier than walking on water!

Oh... damn... wrong addressee...

Dear Jesus,

What the fuck? Seriously. What. The. FUCK?


Hey man, me again.

I'm not going to make the same types of requests I have in past years. Let's face it, there's really no point in me bitching about anything in the "security industry" (what a failed term) any more; you don't really seem to give a shit about it anyway, so hey, I'm down with that. Does anybody really think you're going to shove your fat ass down a chimney and leave a bag of "John Pistole Has A Clue" or "Cyber-whatever Media Whore B-Gone" under their tree? No. I'm going to make things much easier for you this year. Just one small request and I'm done.

I want to stay this age forever.

I'm not saying I want to live forever, fuck all that. I want to stay the age I am *right now* until I get hit by a bus or my cat smothers me in my sleep or however I'm going to buy it. Keep me at my current age. I finally got all of the bad shit from my 20s and 30s out of the way; I'm not much smarter than I was back then, but at least I'm a different kind of dumb. My "now-kind-of-dumb" makes me do shit like play Guitar Hero way past the time when my hands start to hurt, not the "then-kind-of-dumb" that often caused sleepless nights and a smaller bank account. This age is good, I guess. I can still get out of bed without needing help (or a diaper), I still get carded for beer and smokes on occasion (even if they are just being nice), and nobody calls me either "kid" or "sir". So yeah, keep me here at my current age for a while longer, and when it comes time to off me, meh, go for it. That's it.

Oh... and a unique owner ID for Guitar Hero: Metallica for the Wii so I can import those songs would be cool too. Not done yet...


[16:12] Lyger:
[16:13] Lyger: you're last. just throw me a bone and i'll do the rest and get it over with
[19:24] Jericho: bah

happy holidays. enjoy "staff postal - the final frontier"

everything old is new again

love and marriage

mmm, bacon

more tasty treats

positive reinforcement

and then, locusts


something about spinning... what?

best. spam. ever.

TSA fail

a night with jericho

make awkward sexual advances, not war

it's all about the ear wax

request denied

investment advice

because he knows

and you are... ?

old farts

yogas and tapas

the "e" key was broken

they still don't get it

the subject says it all

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