Postal Installment #0016

rubber gates of hell

should have thought twice

die frenchies

still waiting for the last payment

um... no

little more info, please

don't forget the tinfoil hat


not exactly dear abby

oh, piss on it

we're like elephants (haiku redux)

shove that red pill right up your ass

now taking applications

but where's the beef?

a reason not to breed

always happy to help

overestimated abilities

why... WHY?

crayons and mouthwash

it's really only 12


in space, nobody can hear you scream

i'm having egg issues today

junior high locker room

with no parole

ding go the fries



but if he was from new zealand

headless frenchy asssex

we thought he said "collect penis", so...

different meanings for different people

hey joe, give us a shout

Happy Holidays - Welcome to Staff Postal

For only the third time ever, the staff and volunteers at reveal our "uber-intellect" and "inner workings" to you, our faithful readers. We sometimes discuss information security, vulnerabilities, and world politics. Most of the time, we talk about ass sex, bad TV sitcoms, and ways to publicly humiliate our friends. Before we proceed, a few words of holiday cheer from us:

Jericho: One of my guinea pigs sums up my thoughts on the holidays. A pile of spew that represents everything unintelligable, a nice reminder of this fine consumer holiday tradition.

Cancer Omega: Dear Santa,

Thank you for the three busty redheaded college cheerleaders you sent last year. They were delicious. But don't for one minute think that you're off the hook for this year, tubby. That's right, my demands have doubled. You know where to get more of what I want and where to leave 'em. But this year, please use a nicer style of wrapping. Duct tape is hard to remove and I run a respectable household here. So get busy or I'll have the elves deported, all of your reindeer strangled, and that "personal" videotape of yours wind up on the CBS Evening News. (I mean, SICK dude! Does Mrs. Claus know what kind of stockings you been stuffing??)

You'll find the milk and cookies by the fireplace, as always. Merry Christmas, butterball!

Mage: My wishes for this holiday season are rather simple, but I have no doubt they will be rejected by The Powers That Be. So a pre-emptive fuck-you-very-much to them ahead of my request, just so they're sure to know my sentiment when they refuse my wishlist. Thusly, I wish:

1. That the world supply of bluefin tuna replenishes itself faster than the staff here can consume it in the form of the Attrition Sushi Sampler.
2. That Jericho continues being my long-distance boy-bitch and never loses his geekishly-hawt charms. Rawwwwwr!
3. That Apple (Computer) stops its newfound practice of acting like Microsoft when it comes to designing, releasing and supporting new products.
4. That Stewie pays a visit to the offices of the RIAA and MPAA....after all, that's where Lois is working right now!

However, a proper Attrition intern is taught from Day One that the holidays are not just about receiving, but about GIVING. Therefore, in the spirit of giving, I'd like to *give* a traditional Yuletide Battery Acid Enema to all those TV, Internet, and PowerPoint producers who feel it absofuckinglutely necessary to use every click, buzz, whirl, flip, and spin in the development and presentation of their content, be it sports, news, or slides. This isn't 1997 and being subjected to animated or audible versions of the infamous blink tag makes me want to spork out my cranial sensory orifices. And then throw 'em at you. Ho, Ho, Ho, bitches.

Apathetic Lucidity: My x-mas wish list:

1) A 'bong-hits for Jesus' T-Shirt
2) A memory-eraser so I can forget what I found in Jericho's home directory (Tequila and Southern Comfort do not count)
3) Two turtle doves
4) A worldwide ban on starting a conversation with the words "quick question..."

d2d: Ever since my Defcon stunt I have enjoyed consistent weekly fistings from Lyger as my "Punishment". For x-mas, if he'd just lubricate first I'd be jolly as hell. Send Crisco please.

Lyger: OK, fine... here's my "wishlist":

1. The most awesomest DVD collection on the planet, beginning with O.C. and Stiggs, The Spanish Prisoner, and Harold and Maude.
2. One-tenth of d2d's coding talent. Barring that, I'll take his mom.
3. For stupid dickheads to quit leaving Social Security numbers on laptops SO I CAN JERK OFF IN PEACE.
4. For someone to get Jericho's fucking nutsack off my forehead. I can only handle one teabag a year.

happy holidays. enjoy "staff postal - take three"

throw, go, bitch

this tape will self destruct in..

hey, it's a job

which would be worse

wee hours of the morning

which would be worse (redux)

pot pie, bitch


complete failure

professional advice

the world is our football field

we started a joke... that started the whole world crying

we're poets and we didn't know it

serious stuff

can't you smell that smell

speak slow, use small words

when doves cry

we like big butts

who's the straight man?

at least she was polite

learning is fun!

a final word from our sponsor

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