Grilled Cheese Sammiches: Things That Make Ya Go 'UNF'

Sat Nov 10 18:43:42 EDT 2007

Lyger

For those of you who are familiar with Attrition.org's "Going Postal" section, you may remember a couple of emails we sent to Chedds, a gourmet grilled cheese sandwich restaurant based out of Colorado.

http://attrition.org/postal/z/033/0890.html

http://attrition.org/postal/z/033/0900.html

Not only did Cancer Omega spend hours (if not a couple of minutes) making the unofficial Attrition.org Spechul in his own skillet and on his own stove, but Jericho and Lyger have actually been to Chedds to enjoy the wonderful Wisconsin-y decor while grubbing on the delectable servings. True, we did threaten to unleash our Global Cheese Ninja Strikeforce (GCNS) on Chedds at one point, but since then we have made amends and wish to celebrate all that is the True Absolute Chedds One-ness (aka TACO).

Attrition.org even contacted Chedds through Jamie (aka "The Big Cheese") to request information regarding the possibility of opening a franchise restaurant ALL OUR OWN to further disseminate the word of TACO. Unfortunately, we may be unable to follow through with our plans due to events beyond our control. (males under 40 would recognize the event as a what is commonly referred to in a bar as a "cock block"... to us, that means saying the wrong thing to the wrong person and they basically ganked our idea. KTKX-NICE) Regardless, we still have respect for Chedds and will continue to follow, promote, and lurvz TACO forever and ever.

And then one day, Lyger discovered that his cardboard box actually has... a kitchen.

Shopping he went, foodz he did purchase with seashells and buffalo nickels, in his quest to learn to make TEH ONE TRUE PERFECT FOODZ for himself.

Three new smoke detectors and eleven new neighbors later, he thinks he finally has it down.

1. The first rule of Chedds Club is you do not talk about Chedds Club.
2. The second rule of Chedds Club is - you DO NOT talk about Chedds Club, especially to people willing to openly gank your idea and then have the sack to offer to make you 'their manager'. Like, WTF.
3. If your skillet can only hold one piece of bread, time to get a new skillet. Buy one. Steal one. "Borrow" your girlfriend's mom's skillet if you have to (which is infinitely hot if you're female, yay).
4. There's a reason Joseph Smith invented the overhead stove fan. Use it. Worship it.

INGREDIENTS:

1. Two pieces of bread (your choice, Lyger prefers rye, often settles for wheat)
2. Butter (get some REAL butter, not that margarine crap... if his arteries have survived this long, yours will too)
3. Two pieces of sliced cheese (if you're doing American, Kraft 2%. anything else, just slice it thin and evenly)
4. Toppings of choice (some include sliced mushrooms, REAL bacon bits, salad toppings, and Jericho's pubic hair)

The big first step in making a grilled cheese sammich is to butter the bread. It must be noted that this is a CRITICAL step and if you fuck this up, your sammich could either end up resembling a plain old regular cheese sammich or a thirty year old carbonized piece of monkey dung. Using REAL butter (see above), spread a moderate amount evenly across one side of each piece of bread. Note: don't skimp on the butter, but slathering it on like Jericho spreading peanut butter on his chest on Saturday nights is equally bad. Too much butter = either a soggy sammich or a sammich you can cut diamonds with if overcooked. One good sized chunk of butter on the knife should be plenty. Other note: don't be a tard and try this with a steak knife. One really good slip and you'll rip the bread to shreds. Of course, there's also the risk of turning your potentially yummy grilled cheese sammich into a bloody cheese sammich. Not recommended.

Once buttered, place the bread butter sides down into an unheated and UNSPRAYED skillet. There's no need for spray, you're using BUTTER, HELLO. Some people like to preheat the skillet while making their sammich, but Lyger found out the hard way that his lack of physical coordination and dexterity leads to an uncomfortable burning sensation in his fingers (not completely unlike the one in his pants) if the stove or skillet is ON while making the sammich. Once the bread is in the skillet, place two slices of UNWRAPPED cheesy goodness on one piece of bread. If done correctly, the edges of the cheese will extend slightly past the side edges of the bread. If done incorrectly, either you'll get nothing but a mouthful of grilled crust on occasion, or you'll get gooey cheese all over the bottom of the skillet, which may or may not set off your smoke detector, sprinkler system, and any upstairs neighbors you may have.

Next come the toppings. You may have already decided to decline using any additional toppings, but c'mon... this is YOUR sammich and you should be able to slap whatever you want on it. Lyger prefers REAL bacon bits, not those little artificial crumbly fuckers like Baco's. Check out the official Chedds menu on their website for some other awesome and unique ideas (the "Yoga Teacher" and "Nasal Drain" look like potential favorites). Place your toppings on the two pieces of cheese starting in the middle and tapering them off as you reach the edges; leave about half an inch of space between the toppings and the edge of the bread (there's actually a reason for this!)... UNLESS you don't mind the extra cleanup afterwards. Flip the second piece of bread onto the toppings butter side up and lightly tap the corners down a bit with a spatchula or something similar, like d2d's face.

Now, the fun part, and the one that strikes fear into the heart of apartment complex managers everywhere: turn the stove burner (the largest one you have) on HIGH. Do NOT be a pussy about this. If you try to grill the sammich on anything less than high, you will end up with a melted cheese sammich served on two extremely soft buttery pieces of what *used* to resemble "bread". Within a minute or two, you will begin to hear and smell the sizzling goodness of your sammich. Your next move could make or break the treat... using d2d's face again, scoop up the sammich and flip it over top-side down, exposing the yet-to-be-grilled side to the skillet. Remember when we said to NOT put too many toppings close to the edge of the sammich? If you have Lyger Syndrome Deluxe (the real LSD), all of your topping shit will spill out the sides of the sammich in mid-flip. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN. Use d2d AND his twin brother's faces (two utensils... or tools) to flip the sammich, sliding one underneath and the other on the top piece of bread. Press together LIGHTLY (unless you like smooshed grilled cheese sammiches) and flip 'er over. The side now on top should be slightly bronzed (see Cancer Omega's sammich picture above), or, if you're a real man, an extremely dark brown, somewhat resembling the deep bronze of Jericho's skidmarked skivvies. If the side that comes up is totally black, then either you're a masochist or Helen Keller, because you should have seen and heard that shit coming a mile away. Grill the second side for a couple minutes, scoop it onto a plate, and munch like you have never munched before. And don't forget the pickle spear!

One last note: YOU ARE NOT DONE YET. Turn off the stove, you retard. Otherwise, you too can be witness to either a) your very own private bonfire (until the guys with the big red truck and hoses show up) or b) a very pissed off cat running around your house screaming because she didn't realize that temperatures exceeding 200 degrees Fahrenheit ACTUALLY FUCKING HURT WHEN BARE PAWS TOUCH HOT METAL.

With this methodology, you too can be on your way to delightful grilled cheesy goodness. Just do yourself a favor and don't tell anybody you're making the sammich... they might steal your stove. O_o