UPDATE: I apologise for the long time it has taken me to update, but I was busy doing my civilian duty, fighting terr'ists. I mentioned in the last Log Postal installment that the Department of Homeland Security was investigating a new terr'ist sect operating in the United States. After gathering the necessary intel, the DHS has passed the task on to the US military, who are hard on the tracks of these midget masterminds. The Navy have been given the particular task of hunting down the women of this dangerous group. I was somewhat worried by what I thought were CAPS OF FRUSTRATION, but I have been duly assured that they are the other kind of caps: The CAPS OF SERIOUS BUSINESS. You can be sure the Navy is treating these midget terr'ists as just that.
gate12-norfolk.nmci.navy.mil - - [19/Oct/2006:14:11:03 -0400] "GET /postal/logs/2006/logs.003.html HTTP/1.0" 200 16246 "http://www.google.com/search?q=MIDGET+WOMEN&hl=en&lr=&start=30&sa=N" "Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; Windows NT 5.0; T312461; .NET CLR 1.1.4322; InfoPath.1)"
You may now all rest assured that the government has allocated all the resources such a threat deserves [screw bin Laden, let's find us some MIDGET WIMMIN!], and that we PATRIOTIC AMERICANS [and one token PATRIOTIC AMERICAN of a Canuck] here at Attrition have done our civilian duties and will supply any help we can in order to neutralise this dire and immediate threat to the safety of the US. But... only if they're willing to supply us with hookers, porn, and beer. And don't forget me, guys. I'm female. I'll accept kittens. And heroin. Nix the pr0n and hookers. Lyger, on the other hand, will gladly accept the hookers and beer.
In other news, I have a fan. That's either flattering, or creepy:
24.187.81.120 - - [06/Oct/2006:20:38:01 -0400] "GET /postal/z/033/0851.html HTTP/1.1" 200 4380 "http://www.google.com/search?num=100&hl=en&lr=&safe=off&rls=GGGL%2CGGGL%3A2006-29%2CGGGL%3Aen& q=attrition+hi+nepen+%21%21%21&btnG=Search" "Mozilla/5.0 (Windows; U; Windows NT 5.1; en-US; rv:1.8.0.7) Gecko/20060909 Firefox/1.5.0.7"
For those of you who can't quickly convert hex to ASCII, allow me to translate. His query was: attrition+hi+nepen+!!!. Aww, how cute. Maybe. Hello to you, too.
Like I said, it's either cute, or he was fapping to the elitist goddess-like image my work leaves in the minds of my readers. Too bad I couldn't have had a brighter fan instead of some ESL or "JUST GOT MY COMPUTER WHERE IS THE ANY KEY??????" dork. Remember kiddies, there is no space between the final word and your punctuation.
P.S.: IT'S ONLY CUTE OR CLEVER THE FIRST TIME SOMEONE DOES IT, MOTHERFUCKERS. Don't expect fame or nepen pr0n just because you've flooded the logs with your adoration for me. I do accept cash, however. If I have to wade through a bunch of jerkoffs looking for two seconds of fame on this page, it'll just impede my ability to sift through 8,512,406,742 lines of hits, and then I'll never get a new page up and you'll never get your fame [as if you would have, anyway, so just drop the thought]. If you respect the work I do and want to let me know, email me about it, don't flood the logs with bullshit, thinking I'm going to post your drivel on here. Just making that clear.
Now, on to the goodies... [To which there will never be an end, apparently.]
A Profile of "The Typical American Teenage Male"
You may have seen this one mentioned elsewhere on the site, but that's only because Lyger was being a fucktard and stole it from me. It was already prepared for this page long before his dorky ass stole it, so blame him for repeat content. Anyway, I'm funnier. Feel free to tell him that.
wbasd02.wbasd.k12.pa.us - - [10/Oct/2006:14:36:10 -0400] "GET /postal/z/033/0865.html HTTP/1.0" 200 3314 "http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&q=girlfriends+password&btnG=Search" "Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; Windows NT 5.1)"
Note the search terms that lead this kid's sorry ass to the site: He wants to spy on his girlfriend. But why ever would he want to do that?
wbasd02.wbasd.k12.pa.us - - [10/Oct/2006:14:37:07 -0400] "GET /~nepen/h4ck3r.jpg HTTP/1.0" 200 95436 "-" "Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; Windows NT 5.1)"
He immediately goes to check out the image on that particular page... Here he is, checking out my pic. The scene becomes clearer. Little does he know, however, that THERE IS NO HOT NEPEN PRON. Sry, no n00dz. Disappointed, he moves on. After all, what could he be doing in school that would be more important than trying to find hot nepen pron?
wbasd02.wbasd.k12.pa.us - - [10/Oct/2006:14:37:47 -0400] "GET / HTTP/1.0" 200 3945 "-" "Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; Windows NT 5.1)"
A bit confused, or perhaps curious, he decides to hit the main page to find out what attrition.org is all about. Looks like he may have spent a good 40 seconds examining that obscured photograph... poor kid must be hard up.
wbasd02.wbasd.k12.pa.us - - [10/Oct/2006:14:38:04 -0400] "GET /~geekgrl/ HTTP/1.0" 200 3533 "http://attrition.org/" "Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; Windows NT 5.1)"
...and he goes straight to geekgrl's page 17 seconds later. What is this? Another Attrition member without a member as her handle clearly indicates! CLICK CLICK CLICK FAP FAP FAP. Sorry, no pr0n there either, kid. Obviously, we can only come to the conclusion that his fears are projection: he wants to spy on his girlfriend because he's a dirty little perv and wracked by the fear that she is too.
wbasd02.wbasd.k12.pa.us - - [10/Oct/2006:14:54:23 -0400] "GET /~geekgrl/text/mead.html HTTP/1.0" 200 1354 "http://attrition.org/~geekgrl/" "Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; Windows NT 5.1)"
The end to his little trip is just a wee bit obvious: After scouring over geekgrl's page for hints of sexy geek girl pr0n, he goes straight to the alcohol. Then, he leaves.
The transformation of the intent of his trip to attrition: Girlfriend's password. My picture. Main page. Geekgrl. Alcohol. Fin. Aka: How a teenage boy wastes 20 precious minutes of his free education.
Never a Lack of Penis Issues...
c-68-48-160-67.hsd1.va.comcast.net - - [15/Oct/2006:00:50:34 -0400] "GET /misc/ee/foreskin HTTP/1.1" 200 12090 "http://www.google.com/search?q=warts+on+my+dick&sourceid=mozilla-search&start=0&start=0&ie =utf-8&oe=utf-8&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official" "Mozilla/5.0 (Windows; U; Windows NT 5.1; en-US; rv:1.7.5) Gecko/20041107 Firefox/1.0"
69-84-115-206-dhcp.mia.fl.atlanticbb.net - - [13/Feb/2007:22:15:10 -0500] "GET /misc/ee/foreskin HTTP/1.1" 200 12090 "http://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial& channel=s&hl=en&q=little+warts+at+the+end+of+the+glans+penis&btnG=Google+Search" "Mozilla/5.0 (Windows; U; Windows NT 5.1; en-US; rv:1.8.0.9) Gecko/20061206 Firefox/1.5.0.9"
Look out ladies... HPV! These two chose Google instead of a doctor...
p77-19.acedsl.com - - [12/Mar/2007:13:46:05 -0500] "GET /misc/ee/foreskin HTTP/1.1" 200 12090 "http://ehealthforum.com/health/topic84127.html" "Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 7.0; Windows NT 5.1; .NET CLR 1.1.4322)"
This one has an interesting story to it. From the referring site:
I have a small skin bridge on the bottom of my penis. It connects from the head to the shaft. I want to get it removed but I dont want to tell my parents about it and the thought of having a doctor slice at that area scares me. I read online about a man who removed his own skin bridges himself, and was wondering if this was ok. Here is the link: http://attrition.Org/misc/ ee/foreskin
would it be ok to do this myself? Or is that something that should definitely be avoided and only have a doctor/surgeon perform? Please help me. Thanks
Although frequently consulted for medical advice and admired for her burdizzo skillz, nepen is not a doctor. However, she recommends the original poster attempt self penile surgery. At best, infertility results and Darwinism wins.
Note on how to read the logs: The first highlighted section is the page he requested on our server. You can view this page by placing http://attrition.org in front of it to get http://attrition.org/misc/ee/foreskin. The second part I highlighted is the "referring site," which is the site on which there was a link to the aforementioned file on our server, which this particular visitor clicked, thus providing us with the information about where this visitor came from... and from which we were able to find this amusing thread. There will soon be an FAQ on how to read these logs so those who are unfamiliar with the format can become better acquainted with the topic and gain more out of these humorous logs than they may have been able to gain with minimal to no knowledge of the subject.
The Foreskin Story
67-54-134-86.cust.wildblue.net - - [13/Oct/2006:07:17:13 -0400] "GET /misc/ee/foreskin HTTP/1.1" 200 12090 "http://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=how+to+trim+long+foreskin&ie=UTF-8&oe= UTF-8" "Mozilla/5.0 (Macintosh; U; Intel Mac OS X; en) AppleWebKit/418.9 (KHTML, like Gecko) Safari/419.3"
adsl-144-68-56.mia.bellsouth.net - - [13/Oct/2006:21:53:25 -0400] "GET /misc/ee/foreskin HTTP/1.1" 200 12090 "http://www.google.com/search?hs=G1s&hl=en&lr=&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3A official_s&q=trim+excess+foreskin&btnG=Search" "Mozilla/5.0 (Windows; U; Windows NT 5.1; en-US; rv:1.8.0.7) Gecko/20060909 Firefox/1.5.0.7"
139.86.2.15 - - [13/Oct/2006:21:56:00 -0400] "GET /misc/ee/foreskin HTTP/1.0" 200 12090 "http://www.google.com.au/search?hl=en&q=foreskin+tear+bleeding&meta=" "Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; Windows NT 5.1; SV1; .NET CLR 1.1.4322; .NET CLR 2.0.50727; InfoPath.1)"
Well what the fuck did you expect? If you attempt to perform self-surgery, you're going to wind up with a bleeding dick. I guess two minutes, thirty five seconds later you have a torn, bleeding foreskin. Enjoy.
Middle Class Shoplifters
pool-71-241-239-131.washdc.fios.verizon.net - - [16/Oct/2006:00:43:32 -0400] "GET /fuck/www/fuck0016.htm HTTP/1.1" 200 9606 "http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&safe=off& client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial_s&q=shoplifting+methods&btnG=Search" "Mozilla/5.0 (Windows; U; Windows NT 5.1; en-US; rv:1.8.0.7) Gecko/20060909 Firefox/1.5.0.7"
You can afford FiOS, but you need to shoplift? The sheer number of these requests I see in the logs is just amazing. It's not rocket science.
66.102.16.10 - - [09/Oct/2006:10:29:05 -0400] "GET /errata/charlatan/shame/www/11-hypocrisy.html HTTP/1.1" 200 6827 "http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=instructions+on+how+to+shoplift&btnG= Google+Search" "Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; Windows NT 5.1; SV1; .NET CLR 1.1.4322; InfoPath.1)"
I repeat... NOT. ROCKET. SCIENCE. Though a pair of tinfoil underwear will do ya good, they're kinda chafey. Since you're using the internets on your computer in your own home, it's safe to say you don't need to shoplift. Go mutiliate your penis if you want a cheap thrill [unless you're female, then send Lyger your n00dz].
70.73.37.146 - - [06/Oct/2006:15:18:50 -0400] "GET /fuck/www/fuck0016.htm HTTP/1.1" 200 9606 "http://www.google.ca/search?hl=en&q=shoplifting+license+plate&btnG=Search&meta=" "Mozilla/5.0 (Windows; U; Windows NT 5.1; en-US; rv:1.8.0.7) Gecko/20060909 Firefox/1.5.0.7"
Yeah, just go to the license plate store and stick one under your coat. Or two, if you live in one of those states.
People With a Thang for Eskimos
After posting my Lesbian Eskimo Nazis installment, I couldn't believe the number of hits I found from people with hard-ons for Eskimos.
ppp-88-217-41-175.dynamic.mnet-online.de - - [14/Oct/2006:10:20:57 -0400] "GET /postal/logs/2006/logs.003.html HTTP/1.1" 200 16246 "http://www.google.de/search?hl=de& q=eskimo+fuck&btnG=Google-Suche&meta=" "Mozilla/5.0 (Windows; U; Windows NT 5.1; de; rv:1.8.0.7) Gecko/20060909 Firefox/1.5.0.7"
host217-41-84-77.in-addr.btopenworld.com - - [21/Oct/2006:05:13:51 -0400] "GET /postal/logs/2006/logs.003.html HTTP/1.1" 200 16246 "http://www.google.co.uk/search?hl=en& q=eskimo+porn&btnG=Google+Search&meta=" "Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; Windows NT 5.1)"
70.152.163.35 - - [21/Oct/2006:17:44:52 -0400] "GET /postal/logs/2006/logs.003.html HTTP/1.1" 200 16246 "http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=navclient&aq=t&ie=UTF-8&rls=GWYA,GWYA:2006-13,GWYA: en&q=eskimo+porn" "Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; Windows NT 5.1; SV1; .NET CLR 2.0.50727)"
I mean, what can I say here? Perhaps there's an untapped niche market in Eskimo porn that could be very profitable... Though it would be much easier if you'd just send me money, since I kinda don't like the cold too much.
Lyger mails me: "TRUST ME, THERE IS. UNF." So, Eskimo ladies who read Attrition, there's your chance. He also accepts MasterCard, Visa, and Canadians.
Just allow me to note that there are also Canadian Eskimos. Or are they Eskimo Canadians? Either way... It's win/win for Lyger.
nepen's How-To Guides
85.18.136.103 - - [06/Oct/2006:11:03:49 -0400] "GET /errata/lit/ha_revealed.html HTTP/1.1" 200 17864 "http://www.google.it/search?hs=mCW&hl=it&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Ait%3Aofficial& q=dos+hack+command&btnG=Cerca&meta=" "Mozilla/5.0 (Windows; U; Windows NT 5.1; it; rv:1.8.0.7) Gecko/20060909 Firefox/1.5.0. 7"
Okay, Since I'm feeling nice today and I'm doing a How-To section, I will tell you the secret "dos hack command". You have to promise not to tell anyone else. All the l33t hax0rs use it, and it'll fuck up any computer immediately! Use with caution!
C:> Deltree C:\ /y
64.12.116.14 - - [06/Oct/2006:12:56:16 -0400] "GET /contest/pickup.html HTTP/1.1" 200 5252 "http://www.google.com/search?q=How+to+get+your+dick+sucked+at+a+party&hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8 &safe=off&start=10&sa=N" "Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; AOL 9.0; Windows NT 5.1; SV1)"
Easy. Be the guy who brings the coke. And remember:
"The good thing about being bisexual is that it doubles your chance of a date on a Saturday night." — Woody Allen
adsl-75-28-55-203.dsl.spfdmo.sbcglobal.net - - [21/Oct/2006:12:58:38 -0400] "GET /postal/z/030/0715.html HTTP/1.1" 200 6818 "http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=navclient& ie=UTF-8&rls=GGLD,GGLD:2004-30,GGLD:en&q=how+to+fuck+someone%27s+computer" "Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; Windows NT 5.1; SV1; .NET CLR 1.1.4322; .NET CLR 2.0.50727)"
Mmm. You don't just "fuck" someone's computer, you sexist bastard. Aside from the typical necessary courting and foreplay, you'll need to make sure its antivirus software is up to date and that the computer is free of spyware, so that your little encounter doesn't wind up on Youtube the next day.
Of course, if you're a real hacker, you could use the tried and true computer-fucking method:
C:> C: C:> :###
/dev/random
152.121.19.13 - - [06/Oct/2006:17:49:20 -0400] "GET /postal/z/null2/n0028.html HTTP/1.1" 200 829 "http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&q=genital+discomfort" "Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; Windows NT 5.1; .NET CLR 1.0.3705)"
nslookup 152.121.19.13 Canonical name: gateway-19-13.uscg.mil Addresses: 152.121.19.13
Remember when they instructed you not to fuck the local hookers before you did your tour? Did you listen? Noooooo.
pool-71-113-10-202.sttlwa.dsl-w.verizon.net - - [21/Oct/2006:03:24:10 -0400] "GET /postal/z/032/0824.html HTTP/1.1" 200 3777 "http://www.google.com/search?hl=en& q=I+like+to+fuck+sheep" "Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; Windows NT 5.1; SV1; .NET CLR 1.0.3705; .NET CLR 1.1.4322; Media Center PC 4.0; .NET CLR 2.0.50727)"
There is ALWAYS one in every batch. ALWAYS.