I hate you, Email

Mon Dec 08 20:26:00 EDT 2008


I fucking hate you, Email.

You are worse than the aftertaste of going down on an overused hooker (at least that's what lyger says).

At first you were cool. I could communicate instantly with friends around town, family back home, and a whole bunch of strangers with similar geekiness and intelligence to my own.

But then you sold out. You started letting just anyone use you. No longer did one have to spend hours debugging 'AT' codes in diald, or even put in some simple strings for Trumpet Winsock. No...you fucking whore...you opened up the floodgates. Now every asshole who can spell 'AOL' (and some who can't) is sending and receiving email faster than politicians can steal from babies.

I tried to fight the tidal wave of spam. Whitelists, SpamAssassin, RBL's, procmail, keywords. It worked for a while...a -short- while. Then you crawled up in the ass of broadband providers and spread your cancerous existence even further. Now the problem is not just spam...it's USERS.

Fucking users...I hate them. They hit 'send' with the message in the subject line for inane crap like "hey wre r u d00d?". Clogging my once precious inbox space with a thousand-thousand insipid requests and comments. For every valid request or note there are thirty which aren't. And now I have to manage this shit, all because I have known you the longest....like it's MY FAULT that you've prostituted yourself out to the masses. Like it's MY FAULT that you've become worse than the locust swarms of biblical lore. Like it's MY FAULT that you RUIN EVERY FUCKING DAY OF MY GODDAMN LIFE YOU MOTHERFUCKING EVIL HEARTLESS CUNTIFERIC SADISTIC WASTE OF BITS AND BYTES!

So goodbye, Email. It was fun for the first couple of years but now you're just too much trouble. Maybe someday we'll meet up in a bar and I'll drunkenly caress you via someone else's I-Phone, waking up the next day feeling dirty and used....but until then, I'm done. Sayonara. Ciao. Farewell. Adios. Fuck off.


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