[Infowarrior] - Friday Fun: Stormtrooper complaint letter

[Richard Forno]

The force awakens? A stormtrooper complains about yet another helmet redesign.

By Alexandra Petri April 16 at 7:12 PM  

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/compost/wp/2015/04/16/the-force-awakens-a-stormtrooper-complains-about-yet-another-helmet-redesign/

Dear Chancellor Palpatine Emperor Palpatine Lord Vader Whoever Is In Charge Of These Things Now,

For many years I have served the Republic/Empire/Whatever We Have Now, faithfully and to the best of my ability.

Yes, I am a stormtrooper, and I am at the end of my rope. I have written you before to complain about the uniforms — first during the Clone Wars, when the tactical disadvantages they created were fairly obvious, then again during the fight against the Rebellion, when exactly the same issues continued to present themselves. I am writing to you again now, hoping against hope.

Sometimes these letters just feel like dropping my concerns down a chute into the vacuum of space.

I see there’s been another redesign made to our uniforms. I can’t understand the rationale behind this.

The first time I wrote to you, there was still hope in my heart. The Republic, I felt, would listen to the concerns of its fighting men. The uniforms were, after all, just a first run, and if they failed at their mission of protecting fighters and offering them visibility and mobility, it surely was not from any sort of wanton malice.

Now I am not so sure. I am hoping this works despite all experience to the contrary, just as you did when you built that second, larger Death Star.

Just to recap, in case you somehow missed my previous letters, the problems with our uniforms are as follows:

1) Visibility.

Visibility, visibility, visibility. You cannot see a thing in these helmets. I cannot stress this enough. Imperial marksmanship has long been the laughingstock of the galaxy. But it’s not that we are poor marksmen. It’s these force-forsaken helmets. Why must we fight every battle with a giant bucket on our heads out of which we cannot see? Is it pride? I appreciate your vote of confidence in our fighting ability, the assumption that we could theoretically defeat whatever rebel scum we confronted with the equivalent of one arm tied behind our backs. That is a wonderful thought, and I don’t mean to diminish it in any way. Possibly someone in authority feels that is more glorious if we win all our victories while severely, severely handicapped by our equipment, but at a certain point you get tired of seeing 100% of your friends die.

2) Difficulty distinguishing friends from foes.

Not only can’t we see, but once the helmets are on, we can’t tell who anyone is. I know that we are supposed to be indistinguishable as a fighting force, and I cannot deny that we look terrifically imposing on  parade. But this does create the real possibility that someone who was not one of us might put one of these helmets on and move among us, undetected. This just seems like an unnecessary risk in the service of a unified aesthetic, like putting an exhaust port that led to the main reactor of the Death Star conveniently at the end of a long trench.

I would think I was being paranoid about this possibility if the first Death Star had not LITERALLY been invaded from within and a valuable prisoner stolen by a team of rebels doing just this. We could not even single the intruders out because they appeared baffled and had poorer-than-usual marksmanship. That just describes everyone who is forced to put one of these force-forsaken buckets on his head.

3) Lack of protection.

The armor doesn’t work. What is the point of wearing armor like this if all you have to do is sort of loosely hit somewhere in our general vicinity and we drop like flies? I don’t understand it. It’s heavy. It limits our movements. We cannot swim in it. Why would we wear it if it offered no tactical advantages whatever? Because it looks nice? It does look nice, but at a certain point, we have to stop worrying about looking nice and think about fighting a war. Imagine how well we would do if our casualties were a mere 50% in each engagement, instead of something approaching 90%.

4) Camouflage.

It doesn’t. Unless we are fighting in snow, which we seldom are, and then I get the feeling that if we camouflage it is by accident. Otherwise, you can always see us from miles away because even if we have specialized armor to be scout troops on a forest moon, it is still bright white with black trim. I know what a compelling look that is, but you know what would be more compelling? ANY CAMOUFLAGE WHATSOEVER SO MY FRIENDS DIDN’T ALL DIE.

5) Unresponsiveness of Senior Leadership

I have written about this before. I have written many letters and even got my friends to sign a petition. But nothing has resulted. We have had two armor redesigns, now, and NEITHER OF THEM has addressed ANY of the issues I mentioned.

I don’t want to insult our designers in any way. They have a vision, and I respect that. I wish I had a vision, but I cannot see a thing out of my helmet.

Look, I understand that the eyes-without-a-face look is menacing and has always been a key motif in our design vocabulary.

I understand that one of the things the Empire has always had going for it is a clear aesthetic. White, black and red. I respect that. It’s dynamic. I would gladly hire an Imperial decorator for my living space, because we really know how to commit to a theme.

The first time I wrote a letter like this, shortly afterward, there was indeed a helmet redesign. I was excited until I tried mine on and, in fact, the visibility was worse than it had been before.

With what goal were these helmets redesigned? Is this a fashion statement? What IS it?

At this point I’m not even angry. I just don’t understand. You just sort of changed the design to make it look less — angular? I guess? And now there’s yet another redesign, and still no better outcome.

This new design doesn’t make anything better, either. It’s just got more black trim on the face. The eye holes are the same and the visibility seems the same. And all the problems that I mentioned above REMAIN THE SAME.

I’m beginning to lose hope. Please, do something about this. I appreciate your aesthetic evolution and experimentation, but this isn’t a music video. All my friends are dead.

Sincerely,
TK-424


Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.