[Infowarrior] - A Truthful Pre-Flight Announcement

[Richard Forno]

Welcome aboard

Sep 7th 2006
>From The Economist print edition
In-flight announcements are not entirely truthful. What might an honest one
sound like?

http://www.economist.com/opinion/displaystory.cfm?story_id=7884654

³GOOD morning, ladies and gentlemen. We are delighted to welcome you aboard
Veritas Airways, the airline that tells it like it is. Please ensure that
your seat belt is fastened, your seat back is upright and your tray-table is
stowed. At Veritas Airways, your safety is our first priority. Actually,
that is not quite true: if it were, our seats would be rear-facing, like
those in military aircraft, since they are safer in the event of an
emergency landing. But then hardly anybody would buy our tickets and we
would go bust.

The flight attendants are now pointing out the emergency exits. This is the
part of the announcement that you might want to pay attention to. So stop
your sudoku for a minute and listen: knowing in advance where the exits are
makes a dramatic difference to your chances of survival if we have to
evacuate the aircraft. Also, please keep your seat belt fastened when
seated, even if the seat-belt light is not illuminated. This is to protect
you from the risk of clear-air turbulence, a rare but extremely nasty form
of disturbance that can cause severe injury. Imagine the heavy food trolleys
jumping into the air and bashing into the overhead lockers, and you will
have some idea of how nasty it can be. We don't want to scare you. Still,
keep that seat belt fastened all the same.

Your life-jacket can be found under your seat, but please do not remove it
now. In fact, do not bother to look for it at all. In the event of a landing
on water, an unprecedented miracle will have occurred, because in the
history of aviation the number of wide-bodied aircraft that have made
successful landings on water is zero. This aircraft is equipped with
inflatable slides that detach to form life rafts, not that it makes any
difference. Please remove high-heeled shoes before using the slides. We
might as well add that space helmets and anti-gravity belts should also be
removed, since even to mention the use of the slides as rafts is to enter
the realm of science fiction.

Please switch off all mobile phones, since they can interfere with the
aircraft's navigation systems. At least, that's what you've always been
told. The real reason to switch them off is because they interfere with
mobile networks on the ground, but somehow that doesn't sound quite so good.
On most flights a few mobile phones are left on by mistake, so if they were
really dangerous we would not allow them on board at all, if you think about
it. We will have to come clean about this next year, when we introduce
in-flight calling across the Veritas fleet. At that point the prospect of
taking a cut of the sky-high calling charges will miraculously cause our
safety concerns about mobile phones to evaporate.

On channel 11 of our in-flight entertainment system you will find a video
consisting of abstract imagery and a new-age soundtrack, with a voice-over
explaining some exercises you can do to reduce the risk of deep-vein
thrombosis. We are aware that this video is tedious, but it is not meant to
be fun. It is meant to limit our liability in the event of lawsuits.

Once we have reached cruising altitude you will be offered a light meal and
a choice of beverages‹a word that sounds so much better than just saying
Œdrinks¹, don't you think? The purpose of these refreshments is partly to
keep you in your seats where you cannot do yourselves or anyone else any
harm. Please consume alcohol in moderate quantities so that you become
mildly sedated but not rowdy. That said, we can always turn the cabin
air-quality down a notch or two to help ensure that you are sufficiently
drowsy.

After take-off, the most dangerous part of the flight, the captain will say
a few words that will either be so quiet that you will not be able to hear
them, or so loud that they could wake the dead. So please sit back, relax
and enjoy the flight. We appreciate that you have a choice of airlines and
we thank you for choosing Veritas, a member of an incomprehensible alliance
of obscure foreign outfits, most of which you have never heard of. Cabin
crew, please make sure we have remembered to close the doors. Sorry, I mean:
ŒDoors to automatic and cross-check¹. Thank you for flying Veritas.²