[Dataloss] slightly OT: LifeLock Identity Theft Protection

[security curmudgeon]

http://www.lifelock.com/

My name is Todd Davis
This is my social security number 457-55-5462

"I'm Todd Davis, CEO of LifeLock. Yes, that really is my social security 
number. No I'm not crazy. I'm just sure our system works. Just like we 
have with mine, LifeLock will make your personal information useless to a 
criminal. And it's GUARANTEED."

Here at LifeLock, We Guarantee Your Good Name.
No one else does because no one else can.

http://www.lifelock.com/our-guarantee

$1 Million Guarantee

Our $1 Million Guarantee

Our Guarantee is simple. If you are our client when someone steals your 
personal information and subsequently misuses it, we will reimburse any 
and all direct expenses that you incur and pay for professionals with the 
proper expertise. The maximum amount that we will pay is $1 million over 
the life of the incident.  We provide this guarantee because we are so 
confident in our product. Direct expenses include lost wages, 
long-distance calls, postage and other miscellaneous costs in addition to 
any funds that are actually stolen from you or a third party that holds 
you responsible. If you need an attorney to help resolve the claims, we 
will select them and manage the case on your behalf.

Your request must not be fraudulent and you must tell us of the event 
within 30 days of first learning of it.

How the Guarantee Works:

If your Identity is used by a third party without your consent, we will do 
the following:

    1. We will pay any direct expenses you incur subject to the terms 
below. Usually, we will advance these costs on your behalf. If we do that, 
you must assign your guarantee request to any such re-imbursement by any 
third party. For example, if your bank charges you fees because someone 
else used your credit card and it took you over your limit, we will ensure 
that you are reimbursed that money promptly. If the bank doesn't do it, 
then we will and if and when the professionals we hire to assist you get 
the bank to refund the money, you agree that it will be sent to us or 
that, if paid directly to you, that you will send it to us as soon as you 
receive it.
    2. If the amount involved is over $1,000, we reserve the right to 
investigate the guarantee request and conclude that the claim is valid. 
For instance, if you are arrested for bank fraud and you assert that you 
did not commit the crime and that someone else stole your identity to 
commit the crime, we will investigate your assertion. If we are confident 
that you did not commit the crime, we will advance any legal fees, bail or 
other costs required to get you out of jail and back to your life. We will 
perform our investigation with all due haste and we will render our 
decision as quickly as we can. The standard we will use is that if any 
reasonable person would come to the conclusion that you are not 
responsible, we will as well. Once we are comfortable that you are 
innocent due to Identity Theft that occurred while you are our client, we 
will advance all fees and costs as discussed above. Note that we do not 
necessarily require that you are found innocent by the authorities before 
performing on our guarantee.
    3. If it turns out that our investigation is wrong and that you 
misrepresented a loss or that you weren't our client when it happened, you 
agree to pay us back any amount we have advanced or incurred on your 
behalf upon demand, including any costs we incur to collect the money from 
you. Being found guilty of the crime which you attributed to Identity 
theft is sufficient evidence to conclude that we are entitled to recover 
all amounts advanced or paid on your behalf as described above.
    4. Should we, however, decline your guarantee request and you are found 
innocent due to the fact that someone used your Identity to commit the 
crime, we will then honor our guarantee and pay you$10,000 for the 
hardship you suffered. You agree that we are not liable for any additional 
costs or awards for any reason.

That's it.  No more fancy language.