Foreword by Jericho: Back in April, 2015, Mauvehed sent us an email linking to a Google Doc. Since we don't click links from strangers or people we know, it got stuck in the ole "inbox todo list". This was over five years before we suckered Mauvehed into becoming Attrition staff where he forced us into Trello and then vanished to play with his wood. No seriously, that is exactly how it went down. Anyway, he harassed us for never posting his box write-up and that's when I realized that yep! It's still sitting there in my inbox, a task to do. If he had made a Trello card it would have been done already. Anyway, without further gum-smacking, here's his original write-up. Aged, like cheese or wine or grumpy InfoSec assholes.
--- Skip to bottom for cliff notes ---
In the mighty year of 2014 the elderly but strapping Jericho of the Attrition put up for auction an Attrition Box-o-Shit at the Bsides Las Vegas conference just before DEF CON 22. Thus follows the fascinating, strange, and rather sad tale of this box-o-shit. I spent one day at BsidesLV and quickly found evidence of this glorious masterpiece. Or at least the artwork on the box itself was a masterpiece. The contents inside were most likely to be scrapings from underneath Jericho's love nest.
It was a silent auction, and I sadly knew I would be at BlackHat the next day and unable to attend the final bidding. Fear not faithful readers! The overly kind and quite snuggly Egypt (of the Metasploit) was kind enough to proxy by phone for me! There was apparently another strong bidder in the mix, but he also had duties of his own (security for BsidesLV) and was unable to keep chase. After much texting, and some confusion when Egypt couldn't properly write english and made me think I had lost the box below my ceiling price, I successfully procured my very own prize pony!
The question was, what the hell did I actually just do?
Later that night I met up with Egypt at some terrible chinese restaurant, and happened to leave my phone in the very taxi that brought me to my new prize. All and all, it was a roller coaster of an evening. Side note, GET A DAMN RECEIPT, IT WILL HAVE THE DRIVER INFO ON IT TO SAVE YOUR STUPID ASS. One phone recovered, and one bearded Gypt, and I had my shiny new box! Of course my dear friends wished to see me open it right then and there, but oh no dear readers, while this may be the my first box popped by Jericho, I was deep into the erotic readings of others who had tasted his pleasure. I was not about to open this in just any chinese restaurant in Vegas.
Upon returning to my hotel room and very delicately unwrapping, making sure to preserve the incredible artwork that covered my new collection of garbage, I was greeted by a very odd collection of cocks. Apparently they belonged to both Jericho and Nikita.
Inside was a handwritten note, from one dear Jericho. I will not recite the intimate details of this letter at this moment, for very good reasons you will learn later (cats are assholes). For now let's just say my heart grew three sizes that day. At the very top was without a doubt the greatest prize, a hand made Lazlo beanie. This was clearly made with great love for our beloved overlord and I quite enjoy slipping on my white dust gloves to marvel at its fine details, when I get the tickle for such a fancy.
Another long sought after item was the DEF CON 22 badge.
This gem shows off a fashionable Lazlo complete with state of the art THREE-DIMENSIONAL-OCULAR-APPARATUSES. You could only dream of such technology. This badge was one of only... some number.. that allowed its owner to be personally walked in to the ever exclusive 303 party during DEF CON 22 by Jericho himself. Or in my case, Jericho was nowhere near the party and I had to keep texting him until he decided to show up, and we hung out in the hallway. It was SUPER FRICKIN' ELITE, yo!
Let's be honest, I couldn't possibly express in detail everything in this box. To this day I'm not even entirely sure what all of it is. At this point I'm still trying to steam clean my carpet where I unloaded this thing.
Highlights:
Now, where this story gets really interesting is once I left Vegas, and worse, returned home. Because I always leave Vegas with more crap than I brought in, I had in no way planned for this huge pile of stuff to accompany me home. I knew I wanted to save the wrapping paper/artwork and everything else, but how in the world would I carry it? Black Hat to the rescue! You know those flimsy bags they give you every year? PERFECT! I dumped the entire Box-o-Shit into my BH2015 bag and carried this through TSA Security and on to the plane. Yes, the whole box. Unsorted. Not filtered. I put this through a TSA scanner. Needless to say, and honestly rather randomly. I was pulled aside and told they needed to investigate one of my bags.
As you can imagine, the TSA Officer opened up my bag, rummaged around a little bit and simply looked at me and ask, "what is this?" To which I replied quite honestly, "Well, it was a box-of-shit, but now it's more of a bag-o-shit". We had to hand sort through each item while he decided what was potentially going to be my tool of death on the airplane. Rather alarmingly, EVERYTHING made it past inspection and on to the plane. Ladies and Gentleman, your hard earned dollars at work.
When I finally arrived home I had but 36 hours before I got back on another plane and back to my weekly commute of 1,800 miles across country for a long-term contract that I was doing for work. What this meant for our dear Box-o-Shit, is that the bag sat on my floor for 5 months. This is also the reason you never got a write up about it until now. Now, as you may know, Jericho is a lover of furry things. This includes the felines. Now at the time of acquiring this Box, I did not have a feline in my possession. Towards the end of my contract, I was adopted by a nice furry fellow. Needless to say, it took him all of a week to decide that pissing in my BlackHat bag that contained the entire contents of the Box-o-Shit was the highest priority on his "I JUST GOT ADOPTED HOW CAN I PISS OFF MY NEW CAPTOR" list. Better yet, because I traveled weekly, I didn't even notice until about two weeks later when my wife asked if I had become so lazy I just started urinating on the floor of my computer room. It took a while to realize the BlackHat bag was not absorbing the urine, but instead had merely pooled it into the bottom of the bag.
Fret not my friends! Because I value our beloved Lazlo, the few items that were immediately removed from the bag the second I walked in the door, were the Knit Cap, the Box Wrappings and a few other fun trinkets.
And the hat is totally bitchin'
CLIFF NOTES:
