The three stands for the number of times you want to get up and walk out, but feel the pressing need like being in labor for 36 hours to see the thing through to the end.
I refer to this movie commonly as the "Happy fun filled, feel good, family film of the summer". With good reason: It's not scary, it's not suspenseful. The only mildly suspenseful part was given away in the previews months in advance. Bringing back Sam Neil form the first Jpark wasn't enough to salvage this mindless glob of Hollywood merchandising condensed into a 90minute piece of fecal matter.
You might think I'm being harsh. Well, I snuck in after seeing Final Fantasy the Movie and still feel ripped off. They got 90 minutes of my life.
Let's start with the Dinosaurs.
The first one you see is this spineosaurus that completely over power the airplane they're in, biting a chunk out of it. It makes the T-rex look like a compy. So far so good.
Then it fights the T-rex. They're about the same size, maybe 9ft tall. It's hard to tell as the perspective keeps changing scene to scene. The same mouth the devastated a plane can only nibble on the T-rex. When it falls, it's not too big.
But what about the cannon fodder?
Lot's of human dino food. Too bad they get it all in the first three minutes. They shows these guys as bad ass armed to the teeth mercenaries. Then they get wiped out in 3 minutes by the Spineosaurus. But wait! There's more! Everyone is here looking for a kid that was lost there two weeks previous. Looks pretty grim for him right? Well, he comes to Sam Neils rescue, saving him from a half dozen velosoraptors. This kid looks like a mini-marine in bush camo, armed with smoke grenades and such. This hide in an over turned truck.
Well, after this, when reunited with his parents, the kid loses all survival sense and now turns into a "in the clutches of the dinosaur yelling MOMMY" kind of kid, saved at the last minute by his dad or something (a guy who sells bathroom tile at the mall).
So you sit through the rest of the movie with Sam and his side kick and the Wacky zany "we don't listen to the expert" dysfunctional family.
His parents are of course split up, but through their trials and tribulations of dino island they are reunited in love. Awwwww.
BLEH.
Catch this one on Sci-Fi channel if you pirate your cable, otherwise, skip it.
Shatter
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