Oceans 13



Plot Summary: Essentially rehash same old crap because the studio is run by whiney little bitches who won't put out new material with any substance.

George Clooney needs to hang it up. So does the writing staff. Congratulations to Brian Koppelman and David Levien for getting 50,000 monkeys to hammer out this regurgitated piece of sequel vomit. You call that a screenplay? Where's the plot? (read: what's the point) Where's the character development? Where are the obstacles, the challenges, the hurdles for the characters? And WTF was that conversation between Clooney and Pitts' characters as they're walking (next to the Bellagio?), where they keep doing those half-sentences? That's not cute, that's not witty, it's not endearing. Clooney is just not believable. Pacino is the predictable angry old fart. His performance is right on par with The Recruit (and did that suck). This film is lame. They're just going through the motions.

The film consists of some dialogue, some Vegas locations that we've seen before (with the exception of the snazzy resort that Pacino's character runs), and a huge vacuum that just sucks your soul into oblivion...

0/5 - Two hours of my life, gone forever

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Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End


The gang summons the nine pirate Captains that make up the Brethren Court to stop Davy Jones, his cursed love interest, and the infinitely pathetic Lord Cutler Beckett, ultimately bringing peace to lost souls that Jones has neglected.

Remember that scene from 10 Things I Hate About You, when Bianca gets distracted on the archery range and puts an arrow in Joe Isuzu's ass? That's this movie. Disney nobly wagers a king's ransom (or a Pirate's booty... sorry) on this third installment of the Pirates "Franchise" and, while aiming to hit the mark, instead they take it in the ass. (flashback to Matrix Revolutions, </twitch>). Oh, the pain of having to sit through this film. If it were a book, the covers would be too far apart, and I'd buy a bird just to line its cage with them. How could they screw up a project, any project, with this cast: Johnny Depp, Kiera Nightly, Orlando Bloom, Naomie Harris, Bill Nighy, Stellan Skarsgård.... how could they drop the ball? Did they have the same schmucks behind the camera that did Waterworld? ("Put your hands up and step away from the camera, Mr. Costner!") Dammit, this almost sucked as much as X3!

What next, will they take Joss Whedon off of Wonder Woman? Say it ain't so...

Lots of good action, some ships blowing each other up with cannons, some tolerable dialog, we get to see Jack again (the monkey), a nice twist at the end, and Johnny Depp can finally move on.

2.5 outta 5 - being generous

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Live Free or Die Hard


Please God, let it be the last.

Nasty, stinky, evil terrorists employ the use of some naive crackers to develop code which can ultimately cripple the infrastructure on the East Coast, essentially bringing civilization to its knees. John McClane will take it from here.

Great action scenes. A noteworthy soundtrack (FlyLeaf's Sick). Of course, John McClane is the only one who figures out the one critically vulnerable power infrastructure point on the Eastern Seaboard. There's a writer here who should've been a lawyer. Or a boat anchor.

The guy from the Apple commercials is in this. Neat. Why isn't he breaking into the power grid equipment in the underground lair with an iPod or a Newton? (Or an iPhone...ugh). Stop pulling bullshit out of your bag, circa John Conner/Edward Furlow.

Fucking stupid studios and their fucking stupid sequels. fuck fuck fuck.

Yay! stuff blows up. Some good fight scenes (Maggie Q is incredible, and stunning to the bitter end). Dialog is predictable. Dude, if you make this a date movie, you better buy them dinner and some fscking jewelry; and you will still owe them.

3/5 - It's OK, but you might want your money back.

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Autobots fight to protect humanity from the Decepticons. Bah! Plot summaries...who needs 'em?

One of the unexpected favorites of the Summer Blockbusters has to be Transformers. Can you remember the last time you were in a theater and the people applauded at the end? Me neither. Well, they did. Not only did it beat expectations, it shook the very foundation of cinematic entertainment, going back some 100-odd years. OK--slight exaggeration.

Some kick-ass CGI fight scenes, which are insanely fast. Almost Bruce Lee fast. And Bumble Bee. No longer a crappy yellow bug. And only a handful of screen time as a crappy old Camaro. Be warned, the corporate ad machines are at it again.

Who the hell is Witwicky and how in Zeus's ass did this character get introduced? <shakes head and does a Lewis Black impression>. Balancing out the appearance of this wanker is Megan Fox. Enough said.

This combination of live action and CGI is a far cry from the 1986 full-length feature animation that set so high a mark for so many fans.

Explosions, gun fights, car chases, plane chases, planes blowing up, cars getting crushed, buildings being demolished. Pretty much everything you need for a good action flick. Enough CG (and presumably green screening) to choke a collection of sperm whales. Lots of shameless Detroit auto-maker-whoring. The new Camaro does look pretty sweet, but Bumble Bee makes it so. Do they still make toys based on the characters?

This movie rocks. Go see it.


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5/5: Drop everything and go see it today
4/5: Definitely worth seeing in theaters
3/5: Easily worth the price of the matinee
2/5: Last Choice at Blockbuster (or bottom of your online rental queue)
1/5: Keep your money, stay home & channel surf
0/5: Abysmal


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