Suspect Zero


The X-Files redux. Poorly. I really want my money back for this one. No wonder this movie bounced around since 1997 before anyone would even touch it. Our nightmare stars Aaron Eckhart as Thomas Mackelway, a disgraced FBI agent who’s been reassigned to another field office because of some unethical behavior. He suffers from unexplainable migraines that he remedies with copious amounts of aspirin. During a murder investigation, he beings to discover perplexing clues, irrelevant faxes, and mysterious charcoal drawings. They seem to make no sense, and an agent from his former assignment, Fran Kulok (Carrie-Ann Moss) is sent in to assist. The pair have a stormy past and are urged by their supervisor (Harry Lennix: The Matrix, The Human Stain), with whom they butt heads a few times, to close the case ASAP. Meanwhile, we are treated to views of Benjamin O’Ryan (Sir Ben Kinglsey) at extremely close angles as he concocts strange sketches from some bizarre audio tapes reproducing voice and some radio signals. Somehow O’Ryan, a former agent, plays a part in the murder and disappearances of other presumed victims, as either the killer and or an investigator or the elusive suspect zero. Mackelway and Kulok spend the balance of the film deciphering the clues, discovering O’Ryan’s true identity and history with the Bureau, and solving the murder. The movie is slow and disjointed, and just doesn’t grip you in the slightest form…which I discovered after the first 5 minutes. The movie is alleged to be a paranormal thriller, when in reality the only thrill I got was seeing the opening credits roll. Perhaps it the director had taken notes during a viewing of Se7en or The Cell, he may have gotten a fucking clue. The only person who really did a semi-decent job of acting was Ben Kingsley, although I am not sure exactly what he was trying to act out. I don’t know why Moss was even in this picture, as she served no purpose and could have been played by a man…there was no depth to her character, and all we really know about her is that Mackelway used to fuck her. Don’t go to the trouble of seeing this movie, unless you really have lots of time and money to waste.

Grade: D

Czarina's Caustic Comment or Captious Compliment: Suspect Zero I suspect took zero talent to write, direct and produce.

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"The only true Catwoman is Julie Newmar, Lee Meriwether, or Eartha Kitt" –Adam West

If I ever see Halle Berry crossing the street, not only will I not brake if I’m still moving, but I will hit the gas pedal and run over that heifer. Why do I feel so hostile, you ask gentle reader? That’s because I sat through a screening of Catwoman, and I have to say that this movie is the worst that she’s ever done….yes, even worse than B.A.P.S. This movie is a true cat-ass-trophy. Hoping to ride the wave of popularity enjoyed by many comic-book movies and her Oscar win, Berry for some reason decided to make this horrendous film. However, unlike most of the other projects, like X-Men, which she was also apart of, those movies had a good plot and the comics a fairly substantial following, an attribute neither the film nor the comic for Catwoman could boast. OK, let me run down the details…Patience Phillips (Berry) works at a cosmetics company and while her artistic style is superb, her clothing style beckons tickets from the fashion police. She’s well-meaning, but awkward, and still has yet to blossom. She toils for her bosses Mr. and Mrs. Hedare (Lambert Wilson: The Matrix and Sharon Stone). George Hedare has just announced that his wife Laurel is retiring and making way for a new face to launch their newest product, a miracle cream that will prevent women from aging. Patience however discovers the cream has addictive and disfiguring properties, if the women stop using it. OK, once again I’ll cut to the chase…Patience is killed for what she knows and is resurrected when cats of all breed and colors converge upon her corpse, resurrecting her with supernatural feline powers and abilities. The then goes on the prowl for revenge, and the movie goes to Hell. The hapless viewer is forced to endure Berry schlepping around the screen looking like a B-movie dominatrix channeling Socks the Cat and Ertha Kitt in a clichéd ploy to take down her former employers and save the complexions of women world wide. Did I also mention that Benjamin Bratt has a role as Patience’s lover and Catwoman’s nemesis? Shame his movie career is going to falter over this disaster. The only worthy performance here is Sharon Stone who is delightfully wicked here and hasn’t been so since Basic Instinct; even though she seems to be channeling Catherine Trammell. Sadly this movie isn’t much better than Cold Creek Manor, her last venture, but I guess she just needs the money. Lambert Wilson was clearly reenacting his role as the Merovingian and Bratt reliving his days as Detective Curtis on Law and Order. If this poorly written, poorly acted movie was a cat, I’d have it put too sleep. I feel the same way now about Halle Berry’s acting career.

Grade: F

Czarina's Caustic Comment or Captious Compliment: Catwoman is kitty litter.

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The Exorcist: The Beginning


I can not believe a movie can be so stupid. I’m so mad I wasted my money I could punch fuck someone… the writer and director(s) of this piece of crap. I felt like I was watching The Order all over again, as far as how asinine a movie about an exorcism/evil forces at work can be. Jumping on the prequel bandwagon, director Renny Harlin tries to give us the back-story of Father Merrin's life; however, all he does is waste our precious time, with a production that is so pathetic, you’ll pray for deliverance. I will have to say that it was a good idea, to show the initial encounter between Merrin (Stellan Skarsgård) and the daemon Pazuzu, but like Communism and marshmallows in the toasters, some ideas are best left ideas, and don’t ever work out in practice. The original Exorcist worked because the horror was subtle and slight, in The Beginning, it falls on your like a ton a bricks with way too much gore. Here is the crux of the plot in a nutshell: Way back in 1949 a young Father Merrin, who after a crisis of faith, rejects the priesthood and is called upon by antique collectors to “acquire” a relic from a recently discovered 5th century Church in Kenya. The church is exceptionally remarkable, because it predates any records of Christian churches by several hundreds years. Well, it just so happens that this particular location turns out to be the exact the spot where Lucifer fell when the Lord cast him out from Heaven. There really is no terror in this movie-- just disgust, especially when I realized I wasted my money on this cursed film that had been handed off in a relay between three directors. Skarsgård tried to save this movie, but sadly the script gave him little to work with, and for this he should be granted an indulgence. I have not seen such a worthless Catholic horror movie since The Order, and I think that movie was a blessing compared to this one. The special effects were pretty laughable, namely the child-eating hyenas. I just can’t go on with this review….this movie was probably the worst thing to come out of Hollywood this summer. It clearly outdoes the two abovementioned movies in pungency. Like a sinner who’s been excommunicated, this movie has no redemption value. What possessed the director(s) to make this movie? Only God knows.

Grade: F-

Czarina's Caustic Comment or Captious Compliment: I wanted to vomit pea soup after watching this movie.

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