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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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The Best Years of Our Lives
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One of my favorite writers, Henry Rollins, said, "How memories lie to us.
How time coats the ordinary with gold. How it breaks the heart to go back
and attempt to relive them. How crushed we are when we discover the gold
was merely gold plating thinly coated over lead, chalk, and peeling paint."
I'd like to be able to look back at my high school years and see them as
"the best years of my life" but I can't because they weren't. And no
amount of time will change my mind.
A glance over the Plantation High School "Reflections 88" yearbook has me
as a senior with the quote (or paraphrase) "Life moves pretty fast, if you
don't look around once in awhile you might miss it." I got it from the
ending of "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"--one of my favorite movies at the time.
It has been ten years and some months since I graduated from high school.
I spent five years attending college and the better part of the other five
working. Ten years goes by and what have I got to show for it? Well, not
much beyond some gray hair, a bit of money and a few material possessions.
This while many others in my class have surly gone on to get married, buy a
house, have kids and pursue a career--the "American Dream." I often wonder
what happened to all that I could have become?
I couldn't imagine attending my high school reunion. I was one of the
outcasts. Sure I knew a fair number of people but only a couple could be
considered friends. "So what have you been doing these last ten years
Danny?" Shit! I wish I could point to a wife, kids, home, and/or a
hopeful career like most of the class probably could.
I look at those faces in my yearbook staring back at me and it makes me
wonder what became of my classmates of '88? Retail, fast food, law,
medicine, engineering, home maker? I can't imagine. Maybe it is best that
I don't know the great and not so great things the others have accomplished.
It's easy to look back and say "I should have done this or I should have
done that" but at the time it really wasn't possible. You knew what the
rules were and even living in your own world you still had to return to
this education world six to eight hours a day five days a week.
Embarrassment was something to avoid. For me it high school was more like
prison--out of sight, out of mind. Lay low, stay out of trouble, put in
your time, and get out alive.
No "great" memories stand out about my high school years. Or maybe a few
do but have been suppressed/forgotten. I'm past those days but I haven't
forgotten about the pain and isolation.
I played in the marching band for two years--cymbals and bass drum. I
learned to endure pain during my sentence. Carrying that drum around for
what seemed like days took its toll on my back. As punishment they made us
keep standing with the instrument. The band was a huge click in itself. I
was in the "drum line" but I was also in my own world. It took me two
years to realize I didn't fit in but band did teach me discipline and to
endure pain--two very important facets of life.
My freshman year I only met a couple friends. Sometimes I ate lunch with
them but many times I ate alone outside on a bench next to the cafeteria.
Most of my sophomore year I ate lunch alone on my bench. Lunch alone was
something I dreaded. People walking by, seeing you sitting, eating alone
wasn't easy to deal with. My junior and senior years I ended up riding my
bike to school with a couple pals until one of them got a car.
Unfortunately, instead of riding along with my "pals" in the car I was left
riding my bike alone. I was back to being one of the few seniors who rode
their bikes to school. Anyway, I still couldn't take lunch alone outside
the cafeteria in front of "them" so I use to go home every day for lunch
during my junior and senior year. In fact, I probably visited the inside
of the cafeteria a half dozen times during lunch hour in the four I
attended high school.
Life was tough. Not having many friends made it that much tougher to deal
with. If anyone admired, liked or felt they could relate to me during
these times they sure didn't show it.
I graduated in the top 5% of the class. I even got to wear a special medal
during graduation and attend a special academic ceremony dinner. It wasn't
that I was smart--I barely broke a thousand on the SAT--but rather I worked
hard. I did my homework.
So, I ask myself, now some ten years later where has my life gotten me?
All this studying and education? I would like to say I've achieved great
things and I've made something of myself. But at this point in time I can
not. My map on the road of life still remains unclear yet I continue to
drive hoping the road takes me somewhere worth while.
Solitude is my hard one ally,
Pallbearer
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