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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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coffee talk
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"You know, Ravel once said that his Bolero was like a symphony without
any music. Sometime I think that that is how you are Tom"
"Well, I am not sure if that is a good thing or not"
"You or the symphony?"
"Me", said Tom as he plucked the cigarette case up off of the table.
With a deft flick of the wrist a cigarette was taken out of the case.
"Would you like one?"
"Sure, thanks"
Tom brushed the coffee cup to the side and found the wooden matches under
a crumpled napkin. He lit one, striking it crisply off of the side of the
box, and in cupped hands raised the lit match in her direction.
Anna inhaled deeply on the cigarette, and Tom proceeded to light his own.
"Why do you say that?", asked Tom.
"Well, imagine if that cigarette had no taste. You still got the nicotine
that you wanted, but the taste was missing. Sometime I think that's you"
"You're saying the I have no flavor for life?"
"No, what I am saying is that you live life, but sometimes it seems somewhat
lifeless"
"Why in the world would you say that? I am perfectly happy with my life"
"Really?"
"Yes, really"
"Somehow I doubt that" said Anna as she lifted her coffee cup, stopping
half way as she realized that it was in dire need of a refill.
"Anna, you are talking in riddles here. I am not following you"
"OK, lets take, um well how about your love life?"
"What love life"
"My point exactly. Sometimes I think that you just need a good fuck. A
non-descript one night stand"
"Oh, come on. You know that that is not me.", he replied incredulously
"Oh, get off of your high horse. I mean have you looked at yourself
recently? Well?"
"Sure I have."
"Bullshit. Come on, what normal person stays home on a Friday night
reading a book, refusing to go out into the social gathering places?"
"Well, there is something to be said for reading" said Tom, knowing full
well he was starting to dig himself a hole.
"Please, don't say that. I mean what happened with Trish. She was pretty,
smart, funny"
"Not single"
"Only in the classical sense. For all intents and purposes she was"
"But she wasn't, and how am I supposed to start a relationship with
someone who isn't single?"
"Who says that everything has to be a relationship. You seem to have this
weird concept that everything has to be done with a purpose in mind. That
there is some grand scheme to everything. Why can you just live for the
moment?
"Because that isn't who I am," said Tom as he glanced to his forgotten half
burned cigarette. He picked it up, touched off the ash, and inhaled deeply.
"Besides what' the matter with wanting something substantial with a woman?"
"Do you like to fuck?"
"Excuse me."
"I said do you like to fuck. F-U-C-K."
"Sure, I like to have sex"
"That's not what I asked. Do you like to fuck?"
"What kind of stupid question is that?"
"Apparently not a very stupid one, or else you wouldn't be dodging the
question"
"OK, I like to fuck, are you happy?"
"No, not if that is some kind of bullshit patronizing answer you said just
to avoid the question"
"If by fuck, you mean sex with someone I don't really know, well no I don't"
"See that is the problem. You get so fucking wound up, and full of yourself
concentrating on finding a relationship before you have sex, you have
forgotten your primal urges"
"Come on Anna, what is the matter with trying to be a normal person who
tried to avoid the occasional bout of herpes or worse."
"More like trying to avoid intamicy"
"No, more like trying not to get hurt"
"There you go again with that hurt thing. It is the hurt that puts you into
that shell of yours. Your ability to avoid anything that might put into
harms way. Life without flavor"
And with that Tom look at the burnt butt of his cigarette. He reached over
to his case and plucked out another. He studied it for a minute before
popping it into his mouth. He reached over to the box of matches, and took
one out, and lit his cigarette as Anna starts up again.
"Please tell me that I am not talking to a wall here."
"You aren't. All I am saying is that there is no reward in life that can
counteract the amount of pain that you have to go thru to get it. It is
all bullshit when it comes down to it. I mean look at all of the crap a
guy has to go thru to get a date."
"Example"
"For beginners, it is tough to date in your circle of friends. It is like
social imbreeding. There isn't any fresh faces or idea's"
"Ok, I am looking at the merchandise, but I am not sold"
"Fine, if you would let me finish"
"OK"
"Where are men supposed to meet women these days. Should I do the club
thing and find some woman drunk and strike up conversation on my plans to
eradicate catholics"
"Very funny"
"Or maybe discuss dogma verses karma"
"Do they have to have good karma to fuck them?"
"That is not what I am saying. What I am saying is that if you want to go
out and find someone to start a relationship with you are screwed. Bars,
clubs, trolling the Internet, they are all fruitless. If you want to meet
someone to fuck, that is a whole 'nother story that I don't want to get into"
"Well please don't stop on my account"
"Ok fine. Meeting someone to fuck is easy for most. All you have to do is
have the flavor of the month in fashion, a good pickup line, and a little
cash to flash, and viola, it is a quick trip to fuckville."
"Well, preacherman, why don't you do as you say?"
"Cause that is not what I want. How wrong is that? To not go fuck someone.
To have a normal conversation the ends maybe with a phone number and a peck
on the cheek?"
"Is that what you really want"
"Of course it is. That's what I said isn't "
"Then, Tom my friend you have some pretty fuckin' delusional ideas about
what life with the opposite sex is all about"
"You mean to tell me that there isn't some woman out there right now who
wouldn't appreciate that feeling?"
"Sure there is, but she is just as caught up in the same line as you are.
If neither one of you is willing to say boo to the other, how the hell are
you supposed to meet?"
"Isn't that what I just asked you?"
"Fine fine fine......I don't know Tom. This isn't the Brady Bunch. Live
isn't as easy as it appears. All I am saying is that you need to get out a
little more. Explore what is outside of this coffee shop and your house.
Put down your precious books, and go to a bar. Have a drink, unwind and
relax for a change. I am telling you, being wound this tight is not
healthy. I mean I can see the headlines now. 25 year old man has heart
attack because he was too stressed about not getting laid"
"Cut me some slack here"
"No way, not on this one. Tom, if I didn't like you so much, I would take
you home with me right now"
"Excuse me."
"Nevermind"
"What do you mean never mind? I have know you for 4 years. 4 solid years
of being your friend, and if you knew me less, you would sleep with me,
but because you know me too well, you wont sleep with me? What kind of
logic is that?"
"The logic that states that friends should not sleep together. It
compromises the integrity of the relationship"
"See, now this doesn't make any sense. You know a guy, who I assume you find
somewhat attractive, spend years getting to know everything about him, and
then is deemed unacceptable to sleep with. It is like I have been tested,
graded, scored, and thrown back. You obviously find me attractive enough
to sleep with, or else you would have not said what you said"
"Now you are twisting my words"
"Didn't you just say that if you didn't know me so well, you would sleep
with me?"
"So, Tom, what you are saying is that you are willing to toss 4 years of
friendship for 4 minutes of pleasure"
"Now, don't make this personal"
"I didn't mean it like that, but what I am saying is that friends are tough
to find. Finding someone to fuck isn't"
"For you maybe. I think that it is a tad more socially acceptable for a
woman to be more forward than a guy. I mean if I go talk to a woman, she
assumes that all I want is sex, but when a woman talks to a man, he hopes
that all she wants is sex. It is fear verses want in this case."
"Ok, point taken."
"Does this mean that you have considered sleeping with me?"
"Sure, once or twice, but then I realized that I like you as a friend way
too much"
"See, that is my curse, always the friend, never the boyfriend"
"Now you are just being hard on yourself"
"But, I am not. Women friends seem to like to talk to me. They find the
crap I say to them sensitive. I might as well be gay to them."
"Have you considered that approach?"
"Fuck you"
"I'll take that as a no"
"Correct, it is a no. All I am saying is that women find me non aggressive,
easy to talk to. All I needed to be was neat and thin and I might as well
be gay"
A pause came over the table as the waitress came over.
"Can I get you some more coffee?"
Both nodded their heads yes. The waitress poured them both a cup and left.
"So what if I offered to take you home right now and have sex with you?"
"I would say no."
"What, am I too fat for you?"
"No, that is not it. It's just that I never thought of you like that before.
I am not saying that I couldn't fall in love with you, however, I am not
going to have sex unless I am in love, especially with you"
"See right there is your downfall. You shouldn't have to have love with
sex. It is nice, but not necessary"
"But that is where you and I are fundamentally different. I think that
you need to have love for sex. What is the point of sex. It is simply a
function if there is no love with sex."
"Do you honestly believe that you have to have love? What is the matter with
simply having a connection with a person during the duration?"
"Connections are fine, but don't you want a little more than that? Do you
want there to be some type of purpose to your actions?"
And with that a pause came over the table. Tom reached out for his cigarette
case and got out a cigarette. With a nod he looked in Anna's direction, as
to offer her a cigarette. She nods in acceptance, and Tom holds one for her.
She puts it towards her mouth an Tom lights it up for her. Beyond the flame,
she sees for the first time the depth and honesty in Tom's eyes. As the
flame goes out, she holds her gaze half a second longer, searching.
"Tom, why do you feel the need to be so honest about your feelings? Why
don't you want to live for the moment?"
"I think that if I cannot be honest at all times, at what point does lying
become acceptable? I don't like to let dishonesty creep up on me. Next
thing I know, not only am I lying to myself, but then I am lying to others,
and that is not a healthy approach to life."
"Well, what about the waitress?
"What about the waitress?"
"Would you ask her out? She is young, pretty, and pleasant"
"No, I don't think so. I am just not the outspoken one of the group. I think
that falls to you."
As Tom finishes, the waitress appears with a fresh brewed pot of coffee.
"Can I get you folks some more coffee?"
"Sure, but can I ask you something,," said Anna.
"Sure, I guess so."
"Well my friend here has been saying some very nice things about you this
evening, but was hesitant to approach you"
With that, Tom turns bright red.
"Well, is that so......" looking at Tom, asking with her eyes his name.
"Tom, my name is Tom." he managed to force out of his mouth
"Well, ...Tom, that is very flattering, but"
"I understand, you have a boyfriend, or, no let me guess, you don't
particularly like guys who have to have their friends approach you?"
"No, that's not it at all. Frankly, you strike me as quite a nice guy,
however, I am not really looking. I just... well lets just say that I
am not looking"
"Well, thanks for breaking my spirit gently"
Smiling she says "No problem, but again thanks"
Walking away, Tom pours some sugar into his coffee. "She, that's what I
am talking about. She was genuine. No bullshit. Even if it was bullshit,
it was good bullshit. I bought it"
"Well, take a good look around this place. Is there anyone that you would
talk to?"
"No"
"You didn't even move your head. Come, take a look around you. Those
other things that look like us are called people. They have been know
to meet other people. Then they have conversations. Who knows where they
go from there."
"OK, you can dispense with the sarcasm. OK, there is a girl in the booth
three down from you. She has been reading here book nearly the entire
time, but every now and then, she will peer into our conversation. She
has a bright, open intelligent face, and appears to have good taste in
books"
"So why won't you talk to her?"
"And say what. Gawlle, you sheeer look purdy. I don't think I actually
own a pick up line."
"Come on. you don't have to have a pickup line. You can go, introduce
yourself, and go from there. Ask her her name or something. Just don't
go say anything lame, like "YOU sheeer look purdy", get it".
"Come Anna, cut me a little slack here."
"Oh no Tom, there will be no slack cutting here. You said yourself that
she is attractive. I am not leaving until you get up out of that chair
and go say hello to the young woman over there."
Tom felt a nervous energy that he hadn't felt in years. Has all of this
time away from the opposite sex truly created a void inside?, Tom wondered.
"OK, fine" said Tom, grabbing his matches and cigarette case, as he stood up
and walked away from Anna.
Anna, in a visible shock, did not turn around to follow him. A smile of
disbelief crept over Anna's face. A moment of spontinaety and Tom didn't
keel over dead, she thought to herself. The least he could have was left
me a cigarette.
skmcd
skmcd@sni.net
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