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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Don't Give a Shit
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Have you ever had a day when you have woken up only to look around, and
think about the night before, and realize something?
Waking up this morning, getting out of bed, and looking around my room, I
realized something about myself, or my own life. That realization is not
anything I wanted to realize, though I doubt most realization are ... that
is what makes them so surprising or clarifying at times.
A few of months ago I told someone exactly how I felt towards them, and
since then things have been so weird. It was not until the last several
days, (or has it already been a couple of weeks?) things have not even been
close to the same.
We were becoming close friends, and both offered to be there for the other
when the other needed us. With my life being the way it has been, I have
tried to reach out to this person, and not just lean on them, since they
probably cannot deal with just me pouring things out to them. As time has
passed though, things have seemed to become so swirly and no longer make
much sense - except that this person just does not give a shit about me.
Several months ago, I was hurt very badly and deeply by someone, and
because of everything that person and I had been through, I did not want to
just be a mega-bitch to them and screw up everything. They had meant so
much to me. One day when I was out in a store with someone, I saw a ring.
It was a silver and gold ring that had five hearts on it. Every other heart
was turned the opposite way. I decided to buy and wear this ring everyday,
to help remind me to have a heart in dealing with him and others. It would
have been so much easier for me to crawl away and avoid others, and close
myself off to those very things that were causing me to take so much time
and think things through and hurt...the feelings. I knew though that if I
did that, I would just end up right back where I had started from a half of
a year previous to that, so I decided I needed to hold on to what was left
of my heart.
Everyday I wore the ring, and every time I looked at it, I remembered.
Recently, I was in the state that the person lived in. It turned out once
again the person was "too busy" to even go the couple of hours to see me,
so instead I hung out with a couple of my friends that I have had for the
last several years. On the morning I left the hotel, and was a half of an
hour away, I realized that I had left my heart ring on the counter in the
first floor bathroom.
My heart ring was gone. Now there is nothing for me to wear everyday, and
always remember to keep a heart, even when I did not want to.
Was it just irony, symbolism or a fluke that I forgot my ring?
That is something I am still trying to figure out. As the couple of days
have passed, I find myself repeatedly reaching for a ring that is no longer
there. Is it because the person is no longer in my life? Is it more than
that? Or does it just mean that I should go out and get another ring?
Believe it or not, there are two people that this has been written about,
and I fear they are headed for the same result within my life. I do not
want that, but how can you stop a speeding bullet when it is aimed right
for you, and you cannot move, and have nothing to protect yourself?
Insecurity, irony, symbolism, fate; what is the difference between all of
these? Is it just easier to chalk something up to fate, instead of
realizing that we have something lacking in our lives?
If they did care about me, and no longer give a shit, why should I want
them in my life anymore?
Maybe it is time, that I just don't give a shit.
- Kamira
April 9, 1998
kami@sekurity.org
www.sekurity.org/~kamira
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