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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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A Big Blue Circle
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Get away from me..
Get away from me..
This isn't going to be easy..
Well I don't need you..
Believe me..
Yea you got a piece of me
But it's just a little piece of me..
But I don't need anyone..
These days I feel like I'm fading away
Have you seen me lately
Have you seen me lately
I remember me
And all the little things
That make up a memory
(fragments of a song by Adam Duritz)
These are the visions of Tony
So, it's been awhile. I'm in my room now. The clock reads 1:05 PM, and the
sun is hanging around underneath some clouds outside. Things have changed
for me a great deal in the past few months. I'm not really sure in what
aspects even, funny how that works.
I think maybe I've become smarter. Maybe I've matured. Mostly I'm just sick
of this stupid emotional bullshit that people try to throw around on me.
That's probably closer to the truth then anything else I'm going to say here.
There's this girl named Katie. She thinks she's my best friend. Sorry,
doesn't look like reality, sister. She tried to pressure me into telling
her the horrible emotionally depraving and destroying things that happened
to me in the past year. But then again, who cares? They tell me they care.
I tell them to fuck off basically.
It's taken me awhile to decide. I've read numerous self help books. I can
tell you how to solve almost any damn emotional or psychological problem
for yourself. But all of it is a bunch of shit. It's a bunch of quick-fix
"until I fuck up and get myself hurt again" lies.
So, basically what it comes down to is lack of caring. I'm pretty much 100%
apathetic towards humanity as a whole. Sure, I still love my family and I
enjoy hanging out with my friends. But I don't get really emotionally upset
over very much anymore. People yell at me, and I feign attention to their
miniscule problems, but more and more I want to blast them into a private
hell for their ignorant troubles.
But then I get to thinking about karma. And I think about how I treat
people. And then I figure out why I'm in such a fucked up situation. I
tried to be kind and happy for so long, but people will trample all over
you for that. Damn, I almost caught myself saying something I didn't want
to say there.
Why have I become the person I am today? Well, that's a damn good question.
Glad you didn't ask. I'm not going to tell you is the most likely of all
options. But I'll do a nice outline. I got fucked over by somebody in a
time where I needed that person and any kind of emotional support most.
Basically, that totally slammed a brick into my head and told me, "Hey,
Tony.. dude, wake up."
And that's exactly what I did. I woke up. And these are the visions of
Tony. Twisted and distorted reality, nicely shaped to the environment and
world I have created for myself. Defined by my actions, misunderstood by
all - or at least that's the way I want it.
People approach me for help. People approach each other for help. Ever
wonder why? I finally came around to wondering that, and I figured out it's
because they are a bunch of idiots. They can't help themselves. There
really isn't that much point to living, but it's fun sometimes. I mean,
basically when it comes down to it: You look at all your relationships, and
it's all based on those damn primal instincts. Feed me, give me sex, make
sure that the weather doesn't fuck me around too poorly.
What does all this mean to me? I'm not really sure. Maybe as a whole my
brain has degenerated to an animal-like, Darwin-like survival of the
fittest mentality. But I doubt that, I think maybe I just have a little
superiority-God complex. Actually, that's just what some retarded gorillas
have been telling me.
Degenerate trash. I'll kill you all.
Interesting writing today coming out of me. Not sure where all of this is
coming from but I might as well keep going with it. Sometimes I feel really
stuck at home. I mean, there's no one around. Its about 80 degrees out and
there is nothing for me to frickin do all day long. I can read, but I've
read so much that I can hardly stand it anymore. I don't really like
talking to people when they come, except for a few of them. I get all
excited about something but then it never pans out. And I'm left, bored and
sad.
A sick and boring reality, created by me.
Just the way I like it.
I mean, I think about what I think these emotionally horrible things were
for me.. But I see I created them. I think I was scared of how good things
were going, so I intentionally destroyed them for myself. I've created my
aloneness and unhappiness. I'm not totally alone. I just am through caring.
And that's not even the truth. I'm so twisted up in my own lies I can't
even see what the truth is.
And you know what, these visions are scary.
It scares the hell out of me.
Seriously man, I think I gotta lay off the cough syrup.
Yea to counting crows.
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