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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Just some thoughts early in the morning
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Odd how we decide things. I grew up hating my body. I was never thin
enough or active enough. I hated this or that about my body. It seemed
as if I spent my life in an armed relationship with my body never
trusting that it would be what I wanted. And yet in reality, my body
should be my best friend.
I realized that all those years of hating how I looked - of always
wanting to change something about my body - of always being disappointed
at how it performed or more often didn't. I spent those decades searching
for that acceptance of my body from others. If you liked me then I would
be ok. And so it is, to my mind, a small wonder that while I think I know
my body well and recognize how it works, I don't trust it.
There is a base line certainty that my body is against me. Perhaps that
is not uncommon for many of us. I don't know. Perhaps that is how society
has raised us however indirectly that we never really like our bodies.
But where I am now that has to change. My body and I are in the middle
of a new relationship that cannot survive a relationship based on fear.
I need to gather in my acceptance of that body I live in and realize
that these next many months are going to strain that view of me a great
deal.
There are changes happening already. I've got connections now wired
into my veins that will become hooked to machines. I've no doubt that
the chemicals they dump into me in high levels will do things to my
body I won't like. Nor will my body have much fun either. So learning
to love my body and the changes it is taking now will become essential
to this journey. At a juncture such as this, I can choose to be an
invalid or a survivor.
I choose not to spend my life looking out and wondering what I missed. I
intend to expect my body to keep up. And to that end, I need to learn
now to become my own best friend.
Me
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