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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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More....
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*sighs* He has not called me again... I am not sure what I am supposed to
do, or what I am supposed to say... I know that we have just met each
other, but, I have not heard from him in days... Yes, we only went out on
one date, but, does this lack of response mean that he does not want to see
me anymore? What is wrong with me, that he does not want to see me? Did I
say something wrong? Did I do something wrong? Does he even remember my
name?
Life on line is not even half as complicated... People lie to you, sure,
but, at least they either pretend to like you or tell you to go away.. Why
can't -real- life be like that? Why is it once I turn my 'puter off, things
suddenly seem dreary? Why can my real life not look like the one that I
have on line? When will it ever occur to me just not to log off? Sure, I
am just one of the millions on line, the nameless, hidden drones, the sad
and lonely looking for the life that they are missing...
I have often wondered why it is that there seem to be so many lonely people
on line, and so few in the -real- world... Why can I never find these men
craving love in my own life? Why do they all have to be hundreds of miles
away? Why do I feel like the only lonely person in the world, knowing that
there is no one near me, even remotely close to me, that will be there for
me? What is wrong with me?
I talked to my virtual lover again today... Dreaming about him lately does
nothing but upset me, and I am finding that I will have to replace him very
soon... He no longer fills the void in my life.. No longer makes me smile
at his childish antics... No more makes me crave his presence.... He no
longer does anything for me... I am not sure when he stopped being my
drug... Numbing the pain that surrounded me... The pain that invaded my
soul... The same pain that makes me laugh when -he- talks about my
heart... What heart? I gave that damn thing up years ago... The minute
that I came on line, and realized that there was a life for me here... A
place where I could be accepted... A place where I could always find some
lamer to impress... A place where I could rule... and be respected...
I don't want to turn my 'puter off tonight... I am strangely affected by
this pain lately... It makes me want to cry... I have not cried in
years... And yet, the thought of turning off my sustenance, it makes me
flinch... As though I was a coma patient waiting for someone to pull the
plug... I will die without it....
Why has he not called me? It has been days... Four days, actually...
Should I call him? Does he want to hear from me? Am I simply a nuisance
to him? God damn it... Why can I not understand real people anymore? I
used to know what to do... Now, I just want to log on... I know how
things work here... Why don't they work in real life? Why are people so
hurtful... so mean... so... vivid... in real life? Where are all the
lonely people? Why are they not here with me, lamenting over the state of
the world, telling me that they are here for good? When did 'forever' go
from meaning just that to meaning 'until I tire of you'? What is it about
me that drives everyone away?
I called him at work.... He sounded happy to hear from me... He even put
someone on hold to talk to me... Does this mean that all is well? Does it
mean that I should call him again? Or, does it mean that he will now call
me? Had he forgotten me? Or was he just busy, like we can all get at
times... *sighs* Ah well... Back to sitting beside the phone, waiting
for him... Wanting him... Hoping against all hope that he will take me
away from myself... That this time, when I hear 'forever', I can believe
it.... That I can get back that part of me.. the part that felt
-any-thing... The part that I thought lost forever.... If only forever
didn't mean just that this time.... *sighs*
Jade.
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