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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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My Sin
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Each morning I wake to the sight of my puter, sitting proudly beside me,
waiting eagerly to be lit... It beckons to me.. Calls out.. Begs me to
play with it once again.. And then it happens... I become her once
again.... and my puter beeps it's pleasure...
There was this time when I would wake up in the morning, look out my window
and think that it was good to be alive... And now.. She calls out to me..
Takes me into that place that I fear the most.. Exposes me for the fraud
that I am... And the truth envellops me....
I am not longer the person who was born to my name some twenty years ago..
I am no longer the smiling, laughing little girl, who used to look forward
to each new challenge... Once exposed to the heat of the underground life,
I stopped to exist... And she took over...
Deep down, I truly belive that everyone has another persona just waiting to
come out into the fresh air.. To take over and heal all the hurt.. To
weave a new life from the torn cloth that was your life... And, once they
immerge, it is impossible to push them back.. It is too... simple... too
easy... to let them handle all the pain.. Too easy to let them take over
and care for you... To smother you in love... Well... at least to smother
you....
She came out nearly six years ago now... I cannot make her leave me be...
And yet, I do not want to... I know that were she to leave, I would be
alone again.. The hurt would rush back and consume me... That I would have
to truly kill myself this time...
That bastard made her exist... She was quite content to sit back and let
me fuck my own life up by myself... Until he took me.. Invaded me...
Flooded me full of his essence... Claimed me as his... And then left me
when better goods came along...
There was a time when I thought that I would give my virginity to the man
that I would marry... What a fool I was.... The bastard came and took it
from me.... He didn't even ask... He just took... Like all men... Take
and take until nothing is left... Taking until you bankrupt yourself...
But, she came and made it better.... Jade.... She made it better....
She walked in and saw the mess that was looming... She smiled patiently
and held me while I cried... She told me that all would be alright... She
gave me the strength to survive once more... She showed me that I was not
wrong.. That that bastard was to blame... And that he would pay... And
she made him pay..... So, so dearly...
I have always wondered if the rumours that Heaven exists are true... If
there truly is one onmipotent Being who will take away all the sorrow and
replace it with only joy... That for the rest of time, we may live in the
Light, and not have to cower in the Dark anymore... Somehow, I think that
it is all just some trick... A trick to get us to congregate ourselves
into little herds so that we might be eliminated in groups as opposed to
one by one... If this is all a rumour, if there is no Heaven, what sick
bastard thought it up in the first place? Should we not all hunt him down
and slaughter him as he has done to us? He, who would rip our hope from
ourselves and place it into the hands of others? How dare he do that to
us... How dare we believe him?
I know now that if there truly is a Heaven that I will not be there... I
know that the Darkness will consume my flesh as it has my soul... I only
wonder what I would be like had that bastard not taken my heart from me...
Had he not taken the hope of a child away from her, where would I be now?
Would I be like this? Would I be... happy? Can I even ever be happy
again? Will I even know how to tell? She took most of my memoried from me,
she did, in order that I might survive.... The only sad part is that the
happiness had to go with it... I should be thankful... I am alive, right?
- Jade
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