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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Past Explanation
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Sit down, get comfortable, and relax, before you read this, because you most
likely will not be able to once it is over.
I guarantee you, this is not like anything else you have read, because it is
MY own story.
Abuse runs in cycles. You allow yourself to be a victim. Once you are
abused you seek out abusers, to surround yourself with, not knowing anything
else. If it happened, you must have done something to deserve it.
The above are all examples of things that have been drummed into our heads,
and we have learned in our lives.
What I am going to be sharing with you, is my own story. What I lived, and
what I did to get out of that type of life, and how I have survived and will
no longer just be another statistic.
1986 - I had gone to the same private catholic grade school, until that year.
My older siblings and family members had gone there as well ... it was
tradition, until someone decided to change that. A 'bully' was in the class,
that was nothing out of the ordinary - all schools have those, but this one
was even more different towards me. I was only 10, but I remember walking
into my mom's bedroom, just like it was yesterday. One of the lights were
on, I sat down on the bed, and I looked over to her, she was by the closet
and said, "I don't care what you or dad say or do, but there is NO way that
I can keep going to school. I'll runaway if I have to, you can't make me
go back there! You just can't." The kid was sexually abusing me. There was
a lot more that went on, with the teachers making us wait out in the hall,
and them making him apologize to me - even if he did not mean it, it was
hell, and I was only ten. By the week before Thanksgiving, I had left that
grade school, and was going to be going to a new school.
1986-1990 - I went to a public school, and loved it.
1990 - My parents decided I would once again to go the school that was
tradition for our family to attend, a private catholic high school. I
remember a lot of bad things from that first year of HS, though I will keep
this brief, or try to anyways.
A couple of guys had asked me out on dates, and each time I had turned them
down. Partially because I did not even know if I could date, and I did not
really know them, and I had to always take care of my grandma when they did
want to go out with me. After a few weeks, I remember I was walking down
the main hall, and saw one of them talking with a couple of friends, and I
heard the one saying "There she is, that's the one. She's really from the
wrong side of the tracks, if you know what I mean." With a wink, nudge, and
a laugh, that is how it all started. Within a few months, no matter if I was
in the hallway, in class, the lunch room, auditorium, mass (remember it was a
catholic HS), or some other gathering, I could always hear guys making
comments about the night before or what I supposedly had done to or with them
some time, cat calls, whistles, gestures, snide remarks, offers.
It spread from just the two guys, to a whole group of them in my year,
to the next grade, to the next, and then to the seniors. The seniors that
year, were not the little runts of some years, they were the huge football
and hockey players, and overall jocks. From the guys all the girls drooled
over, to the ones the girls knew were jerks, to the guys that most did not
even like all of them (except maybe one or two exceptions - which usually
was that they were not present) would not do something. Everyday I could
look forward to any time that I went to my locker, or anywhere else that
I would be surrounded by guys.
Within a couple of more months, the two original ones got so bad at
times, trapping me in my desks, cornering me in halls or entranceways,
that even the ones that had joined in other times, would say that it was
enough and to get off of me or leave me alone. When it first started
happening, I remember talking with my parents about it, and them saying
that "Just ignore it, they'll stop eventually.". Because of family issues,
(someone being in the hospital, etc.) I was not able to talk with them or
go to them for help, or so I felt. I tried all sorts of tactics, ignoring
them, talking or yelling back at them, kicking/pouncing them or trying to
fight back, and nothing seemed to matter.
Meanwhile, all the girls were not talking with me any more because I had
all their guys, or all of their attention at least, which was the only thing
they wanted. Calls would come to me at home, notes placed in my locker,
purse, or bag, it was all constant. Then one time in May, my sister and I
went down to the lunch room, and for whatever reason, there was no adult in
there, and it was almost all seniors, as soon as we turned down the hall,
which was about ten yards before you actually entered the lunch room, the
cat calls started, the comments, gestures, notes, pounding on the table,
etc. My sister was in shock, I went to the machine got a candy bar, and
went to the opposite side of the room and got a cup of coke, and walked
out, as we turned the corner away from the lunch room, and we could still
hear them, I could tell my sister was furious. Now, she wanted to know
what that was all about, and why they were doing that, and I explained to
her, that I did not know, and that that was the reason I never wanted to go
anywhere alone, and that I never wanted to stay after, and that was why I
hated the school and wanted nothing to do with anyone or anything that went
there.
That next day, my sister, dad, and I met with the dean of students.
The only two I turned in were the two that originally started the whole
thing, even though the dean tried to push me for the names of some of the
jocks, like I wanted the seniors mad at me for not letting them graduate or
because they got Saturday detention! Plus, it would only prolong them being
there. That same day, I was sitting in class, when one of the two guys got
the slip to go immediately down to the deans office. The next morning, the
other one came up to my locker, and said "how dare you" and I didn't say
anything. "Your dad was here yesterday." "Yeah." "Why?" "Because I'm sick
of your shit." "What shit?" I roll my eyes, and slam my locker shut, I'd
just make another excuse for not having everything I needed for class, its
not like anything new. "If you don't know by now you're worse off then I
thought." I slammed my locker shut, and walked off.
Whenever I have told guys about the above things I have been through they
always feel bad, and they always make a comment that has always confused me,
"Wow you most be REALLY hot!" (Or something to that effect).
If that's how guys tell girls that they think they are really hot, no wonder
we have so many of the problems that we do in society today!
In 1991, a girl named Katie Lyle, from Duluth, Minnesota changed history with
her story of sexual harassment, and her case and others like it, shaped the
law and high figures to realize that there IS a problem and that they need to
find ways to help these girls (and guys). There was a law passed in
Minnesota that ALL schools no matter what level MUST have a policy on
sexual harassment by the fall of 1992.
Remaining at the HS I originally went to, the two original guys ended up
leaving. One got to finish the year because they had paid for it, and was
not allowed to ever return to school there, or any school function. The
other was able to come back that next year, though he never did finish that
year at the HS. During my second year of HS, I did a LOT of research into
sexual harassment, got in touch with Katie Lyle, and started working with
some people on the state and national level.
That third year of HS, I was put into a different class 'track', so I
could be in classes with different kids then the ones that were the main
participants in the sexual harassment from the previous years. Also that
year, I addressed the school board, faculty, teachers, and staff on the
issue of Sexual Harassment, and helped them in coming up with a policy on
sexual harassment. For the next three years, I worked with girls in younger
grades in that HS and others fight against sexual harassment, and helped
give them ideas of what to do to help themselves, so they are not just
another victim.
The funny thing about that first year in HS, I never did go out on a single
date, to a single party, or anything with anyone anywhere. I did not even
date anyone until after HS, and I never even had my first kiss until I was
18, and it was someone who kissed me against my will. Always wore baggy
clothes, and nothing ever low-cut. But, when people decide to single you
out, I guess nothing matters, except that they picked you and you need to
find a way to fight it.
Since HS, I have had some more bad experiences with guys, having them try
to pressure me into having sex, not having sex - but heavily making out and
doing other things, I really got into some deep holes. But, I am out of them
now, and each day it is still a struggle.
When you have people telling you things, everyday for a number of days, that
turn into months, and even in some cases, years it effects you. Anyone can
get use to anything, given enough time, just some things you should NOT need
to get use to living.
Because of what I went through, it is a daily struggle for me, dealing with
self-esteem, self-motivation, and most of all confidence. No matter what I
weigh, the way my hair is cut, or clothes I wear, I find myself looking into
the mirror at times, and feeling like I am a stranger to myself, because what
I see is not who I am, because I was never able to become who I was, because
people took that away from me. Now after so many years, I am finally
beginning to dress where I am not some box-shape, and after having a lot of
difficulty with food, I am beginning to eat properly, and not tear myself to
shreds.
The reason I have written all of this, is not because I wanted to make you
uncomfortable, but because I wanted to make you realize, that things can be
going on that you have no idea that they are happening. That fourth year
of HS, towards the end of the school year, at a class retreat, at the end of
the day, we could all get up in front of the class, and say something to
everyone. By this time, I had gotten over some shyness, from having been
on-line. And, I knew if I never said anything then, I never would ... before
I knew it I found myself standing up in front of them, and telling them all:
"I could say that I am going to miss you all and never forget you ... but
that would not be true. I could say that you are all very
special to me, and I suppose that is true in some cases. Some of you may
know this, because I have hinted to it, in different classes over this past
year, but today is about forgiveness, moving on, and letting things go...
so I am going to let some things go. "
I went on and to tell them what my first year was like, and that the two
that started it were not there with us that day, and others were not there
that day that should have been, because for whatever reason it seems that
our class was good at one thing, ganging up on people. They were able to
get rid of some, but I was there, and I was glad to be going. Some of them
had really hurt me, that first year, but actually redeemed themselves to me,
after (and I named some of them) and then some of them I had known for eight
years or even longer (named some of them), and then there were a few of them
that had come into the class from other schools, and had not been there all
four or five years, and it was to those people that hadn't and always
wondered why I was so quiet at times, or why I would seem so cold to others,
that now they knew why. But, I was letting all of that go that day, and it
was my hope, that years from now when we look back we can look at where we
are, and know that we learned something, that we could actually someday
learn how to care for each other. That we stopped just assuming people
were one way, and actually got to know them, like a few did with me (and
I named some of them), thanked them for their friendship and let them know
that it really meant a lot to me (and I named some more of them). Afterwards,
I sat down, and when everyone else was done, I was pulled aside by
someone, then another, and another and another. All girls, not one of the
guys could look me in the eyes. On the bus, back to school, everyone was
quiet. I went to my locker, got my jacket and left. That next day, was
different. People apologizing to me, asking me how I was, giving me hugs,
and others just talking with me, like they were all of sudden friends
with me.
It's important to get to really know what is going on, before you say you
know what is going on, because usually you only know a piece of it.
If someone is hurting you, tell them, tell others, don't just sit and take
it. And, if someone is doing something to you, that you know is against the
law, or would make you a victim, don't just sit and be a victim, DO
SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Let yourself, help yourself.
- Anonymous
11/14/97
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