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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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It Was Only a Nightmare
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It is one of those surreal days again. I'm driving around yet I don't
quite feel alive. It is like I'm in a semi dream state or maybe you
could say I was half awake. Course I just got nine hours of decent sleep
and didn't drink the night before so the dream effect came as a surprise.
These type of days get me think about life and what the hell I'm doing.
At the time I was heading to the grocery store but life was telling me
something only I couldn't figure what it was trying to say.
It is another one of those days where I say to myself that maybe I'm just
having a nightmare. Or perhaps I bumped my head and I'm in a coma.
Pretty soon I will wake up, or someone will wake me, and I will be six
years old again. Yep, I will be six and will have just awaken from a bad
nightmare. And in a few hours, as I head off to preschool, I will have
forgotten all about the nightmare. However, it is hard to imagine
forgetting about a twenty-one year nightmare.
It is one of those days where you want to rewind the clock and start
over. Six sounds like a good age so I guess that is the time frame my
mind puts me waking up. I wouldn't call it nostalgia because I don't
"yearn for the old days." I tend to believe it is the parental security
and the idea that I can start over. Too change my life and to do some
things differently. Kind of like the movie Groundhog Day with Bill
Murray where he repeated the day over and over again. Each day he tried
something different and by trial and error he finally got things "right."
In the end he became a better person and more importantly got to see the
results of his actions he wouldn't normally have tried. That gets me
thinking that maybe there are too many choices to be made these days.
Ever see the movie THX 1138? Briefly it is a movie where all your
choices are made. It is big government ruling at an extreme. In fact
they go to such an extreme that your wife is chosen for you. How is that
for making some of life's tough decisions a little easier? The little
guy in me wants to wake up six years old again have some of those tough
decisions off his shoulders and be able to do things a little
differently. If everyone wanted an easier life something like the movie
THX 1138 would be the result. Some people might even argue that things
are already getting that way. Or that whiners like me, who are
indecisive, are getting all these horrible laws passed which allow the
government to make too many decisions for us already. Perhaps some day
the George Lucas world will become more real then we can or would like
to imagine.
Unfortunately, though I can relate to movies better then the real world
outside my door, I have to accept the fact that reality is the here and
now; not twenty-one years ago nor several hundred year in the future
like in THX 1138. I won't be waking up today or any day as a six year
old thinking about the nightmare I just had.
In a way it is a good thing that I can't or won't be going back to being
six because I don't know if I could do High School and College again even
if I did do things a little differently. Plus there have been a few
tough decisions I've made during my limited years. Maybe, given a second
chance and knowing the results, I wouldn't make the same choices I've
made in the past. Choices that have not only affected my life but have
touched a few others as well.
So my desire to start over is more of an ideal that I would perhaps be
better off today by having made other choices then I did. I have yet
to find my purpose in life and something keeps telling me I missed a
turn somewhere along the road twenty-one or so years ago. Physically
or mentally I'm told I need go back and find the road untaken. When I
do perhaps I will learn why it is, was, or could have been such an
important part of my life.
Out Of Time,
Pallbearer
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