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=   F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K.   =
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				enlightenment
                                -------------

		i have moments where i understand everything
		about life, the universe, and most importantly,
		how the pattern weaves itself together so
		tightly and unendingly. protons and quarks,
		planets and poetry, music and literature,
		calculus and algebra, freud and jung.. they all
		become sewn together in my mind, and i can
		see the threads that bind them, slim and shiny,
		and i *know*, for one painful moment, why 
		everything is.

		then i lose it.

		less frequently, i have realizations about myself.
		fortunately i rarely lose the lesson i learned
		during that moment of self-enlightenment, but
		they only happen once every few years, and the
		periods between are fraught with inner pain and
		an agonizing hollow sensation, as if i am merely
		waiting for that next moment of knowing so that
		i can piece together my reason for being before
		i can go on with the actual business of living.

		i had one such moment yesterday. suddenly, everything
		has become clear, and it is now, today, that the
		business of living can begin. i feel an inner peace
		so overwhelming that i can describe it only as a
		quasi religious experience, but as an agnostic, i
		cannot quite attribute this sensation to god or
		buddha or anything of that nature.

		i have spent my entire life feeling alone. i know
		that many others in this world have this same
		experience, yet i felt different in a way that no
		one seemed to be able to relate to. i have thoughts
		that do not mesh with experience of others. my
		past is dark and dirty. my brain works too quickly.
		i can almost hear the thoughts and feelings of others.
		i hallucinate. being around people is uncomfortable
		for me because of these oddities that float around
		in my mind. i feel like a freak. i thought that
		i was depressed and unhappy, and that it was all
		merely mental anguish that could be cured with a few
		years therapy and some carefully chosen drugs.

		i was wrong. i am happy this way. i like being alone.
		i like creating things at 3 a.m., coffee cup in
		hand. i like writing long stories that i never
		bother to get published. i like reading books
		that hurt my brain and working out how the author
		came to the conclusions she did. i like sketching
		my odd thoughts on paper. i like observing people,
		but not interacting with them. my existence is
		entirely cerebral and internal to myself, and it
		has become obvious that i am not capable of
		sharing that, that no one in this world can
		comprehend the things i say and do, and i am
		quite happy this way. i don't need anyone. no one
		needs to understand me, because i am not to be
		understood. i only have to exist, and someday i
		would like to find a way to share my inner world
		with others, but not now. it isn't finished yet.

		demonika

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