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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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no title...does it matter?
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just read #376 ("How Does Everyone Else Do It" by Tersian) and it left
the rage in me soaring. what a way to top off a day... these past few
weeks... my life...
i have many friends ranging from 9 to 60something. close friends. from
many different walks of life. yet few of them respect me...for who i
am. i'm 21 going on infinity. look like i'm 16. high school
salutatorian turned college dropout due to financial reasons and the
burnout of the century. on my own since 17, chased out of house and
home by a brother swinging the tongs of a fucking hammer at my face and
a mother patting him on the back as i flee. spent my 18th birthday in
juvie for fighting back once in 18 years of hell...fighting nearly for
my life as i was being railed on in my sleep. could have died then.
wished i had then. tried to finish it off myself to no avail.
where am i now?
of all my friends only those 40 and over make more money than me. while
my mother is bankrupt, my jeep grand cherokee is the one thing i own to
flaunt my success. i've given up my past... forgiven my family... help
them out when i can. i've been proposed to by a 44 yr old whom i dearly
love but not yet enough to marry, and am acting step-mom to his 9 yr old
daughter. scares the living shit out of me, cause the stats are against
me...the abused child often abuse their children...but things are
working fine. from her, from them, i shield my rage. but why? if
there was only some way to vent...
before my current job i was a contractor. needed more money due to new
responsibilities of a family. said what i thought i was worth.
contracting house could care less. took the gamble. they lost. in my
interview as an employee i promised that i would stick around, should
all that was told to me about the company be true. one day after a
friend offered me a job for $30k/yr more, with great potential to raise
that consistently. but i remembered my promise. my $30k+ promise. the
day i started i realized i was lied to in my interview. that was over 3
months ago. and i'm still here. the 2nd most knowledgeable system
administrator, 2nd to the new guy who started 3 weeks ago. but i'm also
the youngest.
in my interview i was told that i would be the administer for over 13
middle end servers, and a backup network administrator. my last job i
admin'd 8 high end and did shit with the networking. step down in
scale, but 5 more toys and a net to play with, with a nice raise none
the less. but money isn't everything. i was made backup admin instead
of primary. and the primaries don't like kids telling them what to do
and that they're doing it wrong no matter how nicely you put it. i was
told that the people here were like a family. close knit. and i am now
experiencing what life is like outside the knit...so close it could keep
out el nino. i was told that i would spend a great deal in vendor
classes to enhance my education in my field as well as a $4k tuition
reimbursement for college classes which work would not interfere with.
most of the time i work late and am the only one who answers the phone
at night amidst my meals and sleep. this would miraculously change when
i start classes? i don't even have the fucking time to register. lies.
all but the money. yet to me, for the work i am doing, my paycheck is
worth nothing. no amount of money can compensate for the skills i am
loosing.
to top things off my boss told me this morning in the fourth one-on-one
she's kept in a while, after asking how i was feeling since the last
frustrations i voiced with her about the lies, that for
single-point-of-contact communication purposes with our offices in
nashville there will be one primary admin on the servers i finally was
granted primary on, and that will be the new guy. so now i have a real
reason to give my notice so i can go on to do bigger and better things.
like start my own company. ceo at 21. move over gates. you're
history. $80k+/yr at my fingertips. my only concern? those few
friends of mine who are nearly in the same boat as me are jobless.
those who have not been found by whatever streak of good fortune turned
my life around in 2 years are scrounging their pennies for rent. living
with friends who could barely afford to make ends meet themselves, but
are kind enough to help support those who are less fortunate. #360
talked about thanks. that's one thing i rarely say, and when i do,
abbreviate. now i want to show it. for weeks i've been debating with
my other board member about giving my friends a break. a chance to
prove that they are just as capable as i. that they have the potential
to succeed. that the only reason they were cut loose by the last nooses
bleeding them in return for pennies is that they are young, have no
degrees like me, but have minds and souls greater than einstein's.
finally i got it through. now i'm loosing sleep not over permission to
be granted to submit them for proposal, but for the yes on the rfp,
which is in the final stages of submittal. and also what to say in my
notice. and how to be polite about it.
for a bit of reassurance on my change of course i saw a spiritual
counseller. one year ago, because i could not put logic to it, i
thought people like her were full of shit. but i needed something to
con my spirit into sleep. my first visit she told me my life. my past.
in detail. things no one. _no_one_ could have known. then went onto
my past lives. back to bfegypt as i'm choking up the tears listening to
night after night of 20 years of painful dreams being summarized in a
one hour session. and then she dabbed in my future a tad. more dreams
which i tried to hide from being narated as the feelings from them
surface in full detail. the next session she talked about kids. my
kids. "three" as she holds up four fingers and says "oops...maybe
four." and i could never even see myself living past the age of
20something let alone have time in life to be a mother...of even one.
nor did i ever have wish to. so i definitely have a ton of shit to work
on with that. the last session was a group session in which she
summarized to my lover the research i hope to do soon and the product it
will produce, and then left me choking after saying that what i will do
will change the world.
i am only 21. i have no wish to change the world. my greatest wish of
all for most of my life has been to leave it. i didn't ask for it.
didn't create it. don't want it. haven't even bothered to conjure up
ideas of how, if possible, it could be changed to make me want it or
even be able to stomach it. who the fuck am i? she said i am powerful.
my life story is one of the powerless. what am i to believe? who is
she, to delve into my inner being and say that i am something i feel
not. but i have another session in two days. an emergency one that she
scheduled. she knew something was coming up. if only she could have
prepared me for today ahead of time. i would be in a more pleasant
mood, possibly. or would i? maybe i needed today. i needed to grow in
some special way. maybe she is being the mother i never had but wish to
some day be if her forecasting proves right. and i have another session
next week. and will probably have them for a lifetime. she is, not
because of what she knows of me, but for who she is, one of my most
precious friends.
she said i can say no. to the kids. to the research. to my job. to
the world. all i have to do is say no. there is no destiny. we can
walk in the path of the stars or we can tell them to fuck themselves. i
was so close to saying no. i was nearly choking to death driving home
from work the other day...trying to write down while soaring on the
interstate what to do if i was found on the side of the road. got home,
took more meds, then rode to the er. put a fiber optic tube like the
ones i use to connect my machines down my nose to look at my throat.
looked inflamed. airway blocked a bit. dosed me up with steroids that
are only given to people with strong near-death allergic reactions where
their throat is reacting so strongly to something that it blocks even
the air that one breathes. and so many narcotics to help the pain that
i was puking for 3 days through my nose since my restricted throat
couldn't hold the volume. not many people know what i went though. to
those concerned i tell the smallest amount to keep them from taking on
the burden of my pain. my pain from what? blood tests and throat
culture were negative. clinically, my immune system seemed fine. tell
that to someone who can't even swallow right. my herbalist narrowed it
down to an allergic reaction, which my doctors were to incompetent to
even do. but to what? at a potluck two days ago the husband of my
spiritual councellor marvelled at my immediate improvement and asked
what i said to change it. what i said? he explained that the throat is
the location of the first chakra, a blockage of which symbolizes a
blockage of communication. to the extent of which nearly cost me my
life. what was i saying? or not saying? what was i about to say? no.
no to what? my future. my friends. my goals and aspirations. my
world. my life. one word. if i knew that 2 years ago it would have
saved me the misery of however many failed attempts i gave up counting.
so what next? i'm guessing not even my councellor can tell me that.
the world is unfolding in my sleep. i did the esp thing with a friend
in texas. and all i said was yes. am i on drugs? i wish. can i still
say no? if i tried, would i live to know? i still don't believe in
destiny.
then what is it doing this to me beyond my control?
the truth is out there?
really?
i'd sure like to know..
yt.
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