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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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body image
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I think I am fat. Everyone who knows me insists that
this is not the case, that I 'look fine'. I am 5'2"
and I weigh 128 lbs. I have 9% body fat, which, to the
uninformed, means that I am more muscular than most
women in the United States. I eat 800 calories or less
per day. I think about every morsel that enters my mouth
and imagine the fat growing on my hips and thighs. I
know how many calories are in a postage stamp. I am
anorexic with bulimic tendencies, and have been since I
was 12 years old. I am 22 now.
When an anorexic looks in a mirror, she does not see
what is there. When my ribs were poking out and I could
see the outlines of my intestines on my tummy, I would
pinch the skin on my inner thigh and resolve to eat
less and work out more. I needed to get rid of the fat.
It doesn't matter what you say to an anorexic. She will
always think she is fat, and she always will.
Most of my friends assume that I am healthy now, simply
because I don't look anorexic. This is not the case. If
I eat a piece of pizza, I starve myself for the next 2
days in an effort to undo the damage. On Saturdays, when
I go out drinking, I do not eat because I know I will be
consuming too many calories with the alcohol. On Sundays
I eat a single cup of plain white rice just to stay the
hunger pangs, and I hate myself for eating even that
much. Despite my efforts, I cannot seem to lose weight.
This is because my body thinks correctly that it is
being starved, and it stores fat and calories in case it
needs to use them for energy later on.
You are probably wondering why I continue to follow this
vicious cycle when I obviously know so much about it.
The answer is simple. It doesn't matter what my brain
knows or what my friends say. The only thing that matters
is that I think that I am fat, and that I will use every
last ounce of willpower I have to control my body. Anorexia
is about a lot of things. Control, perfectionism, low self
esteem, negative experiences with respect to food, sexual
abuse. The list goes on and on. But the ultimate judge for
an anorexic is that mirror. Studies have shown that
women with eating disorders overestimate their weight by as
much as 20% when looking in a mirror. I look at women in
the street and think 'I am about the same size as she is.'
My friends look at me like I am insane. I simply have no
concept of what I really look like, and I doubt that I
ever will.
One of the biggest problems with having an eating disorder
is the effect it has on other people around you,
particularly close relationships like family and lovers.
It simply drives them insane to watch you order diet coke
in a restaurant and no food, to see you cry about your
weight, to constantly have to reassure you that you are not
fat. If you love someone with an eating disorder, there
is simply no way to please her. The best advice I can give
is to be supportive. Don't try to convince her that she is
not fat, don't ask her to eat more (or less), and definitely
avoid comparing her to other people. Other than that, go
with the flow and try not to let it affect you. It is not
your problem, it is hers.
Anorexia is a disease that never totally vanishes. Once you
have it, it stays with you forever to some degree. I think
anorexia is tougher to deal with than drug addiction,
because we need food to survive. You must face the disorder
every single time you eat, and there is no way to avoid
the struggle. Let's face it - even though your body
becomes physically addicted to cocaine, once you get over
the need, you never have to touch cocaine again. You
don't need cocaine to live, even though you might think
you do. You need food to live, and anorexics simply don't
care what kind of damage they do to their bodies in their
efforts to make themselves invisible. Every bite is an
ton of guilt and an imagines pound of fat, and there is
no way around it.
As for me... Well, I know that I am sick, which is a step
in the right direction. I got past my dangerous phase,
which is even better. I have smashed my full-length mirror
and I shower with my eyes closed. I weigh myself 3 times
a year or less. But I think about it every single day.
And not a moment goes by where I don't wish that I was
thinner. Right now my eating disorder is in full force
due to various stresses in my life... If I keep
going the way that I am I expect to be at 100 lbs even
within 3 months. That is my secret little goal, and I know
it is sick, but I can't help it. None of us can.
demonika
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