=   F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K.   =


In the last week or so I have sent Dis five F.U.C.K files. This is number
six. Second one I have written in an hour.  The name 'simunye' will become
synonomous with "shut up bitch!" *laugh*

I warned him though. Pages and pages of articles I have written for my own
sheer pleasure sit on my harddrive. Once they were siting on my webpage,
but no more.  I am moving everything over to a new site, and have been
toying with the idea of not putting ANYTHING up that I have written.
Sometimes it seems really pointless because after all my talk of how I
write for only myself, I have this tinge of pleasure when people tell me
that I am neat-o. Makes me feel 'accepted.' Maybe I am not so heartless
after all?

Dis's only word is "gimme".

Well Dis, this one is for you. 

I yawn but I am not tired. Liters of Diet Coke run through my veins. My
lungs are clouded with all the tar from my chainsmoking. My eyes feel heavy
and its late. 3:39am.

"You know if I leave you now, it doesn't mean I will love you any less."
-Sarah McLachlin.

I am a big Sarah fan. Have been for some time now. First heard "Possession"
back when I was working for a music store, years ago.  Back then I hated
femme music. Majority of the people that worked there were your typical
'alterna-teen' groupies with the black clothes, nose piercings and
worshipping the Sarah's and the Tori's like there was no tomorrow. Drove
me up the wall.

But then I heard "Possession" one night. I remember, I was watching MTV
and was up late at night. It was "120 Minutes". I listened to the words.
And I can remember putting down what I was reading and crying. Crying so
hard that it lasted for a good five minutes before I could get myself
under control.

I went into a different music store the next day and bought the tape. CD's
were a luxury for me back then, hell I didn't even have a computer.

How much her music has come to mean to me over the years. Memories, evoking
images of situations.

Many moons later, someone contacted me on IRC. He thought it was interesting
that not only was I willing to open myself up so publicly on-line (via my
webpages). To talk about the situations, stories, events that have occurred
in my life, regardless of whether they were good or bad.  Sarah came up as
the topic. We talked about her music, her ability to evoke emotions (He is
an Objectivist, which explains everything). We both agreed on one thing: we
both ironically do  what we call our "Sarah Test". We throw Sarah on the
stereo and lie in bed with  our significant others. And if the music can't
lift them to the ethereal world that she creates, then we both no longer
date that person.

Possession still remains the favorite of all her songs to me. The depth, the
passion, the emotions the feelings. Just put the song on now. Chances are I
will now begin to cry.

I have always known what I wanted from a relationship. Prince Charming and
Roark (from "The FountainHead") rolled into one. Some crazy fuck who is not
only brilliant and also his own man, but passionate and sensual as well. Do
you have ANY idea how rare that is to find?

A memory I like to conjure up occassionaly is when I met another Sarah fan.
This was quit sometime ago. Not even a year, and yet it seems so distant and
yet close at the same time.

We had been talking for quit a while, and we both wanted to meet. We agreed
on a time and a place, and he drove 900 miles for a weekend. I remember
pulling into our meeting place, and as I parked my car, "Possession" came
on the radio. I started crying so hard, because it was like an omen that
this was a good thing.

When I actually 'met' him, I remember opening the door and running down the
hall. There he stood all 6'7 of him, and I did a running jump to hug him. I
remember looking into his eyes, and seeing that deep rooted passion for me
burning there.

We listened to Sarah all weekend while making love. That mystical ethereal
kind of love that is so rare, and brings you so close to each other that
you are almost frightened by the power of it.

Sad to say we are no longer together. I have this wonderful habit of
attracting "Intellectual Losers". The overly intelligent guys who lack no
social skills. Even a kiss is shocking to them in many aspects. One by one
they break my heart. "Your too much, your too this, your too that". And yet,
they contact me "I was wrong..I miss/need/desire/love you". By then its too
late. Someone else has taken their place and the cycle repeats itself.

Deep melancholy sigh.

The last serious relationship I was in before I was in the one I am in now
lasted almost a year. He truly loved me unconditionally.  Have you ever
had anyone love you unconditionally before? God, its a scary feeling. No
matter how many times we fought, broke up, or I had hurt him, he always was
there for me. One time, a few months ago, I had gone into a panic attack.
Suddenly I didn't want to exist as 'simunye'. I wanted to kill the bitch.
She (or me for that matter) had gotten me into enough trouble with mailing
lists, flame wars, you name it, that I had to kill her. But I knew, to kill
her would be killing my innermost self.

My ex and I had been arguing for sometime previous to this incident. I kept
calling his house. He was literally the only person I could talk to at that
point. No answer. I panicked. If he left me, my life would be over. I
depended on him that much, whether I liked it or not.

I remember driving to his house, all 20 minutes away.  I had worked myself
up into such a state that I did not recognize the street I was on, even
though I had driven on it perhaps a million times.

- simunye

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