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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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The Past Revisited
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I haven't done this in quite awhile.
Things have changed so much in the last month. The girl
I wanted so badly to like me in return does, yet I am not
satisfied. The girl I was so marvelously infatuated with
does not even bring a smile to my face any longer. I don't
really seem to need any female support to keep me upright.
Seems like these days I feel like I'm fading away.
Maybe I am afraid that I don't want to develop a relationship
with someone I really care about because I will lose them
next year when I attend Western Reserve Academy. It really
is quite scary. I'll be separated from everyone and everything
that I love. I don't know why that scares me so much. I
really don't care about too many people.
I feel like a shadow in my own world. Relationships that
used to prosper are down in the doldrums. Girlfriends of
the former have gone straight, renounced their cyberpunk
garb. They have became the uniform straights that inherit
the Earth. I spoke with them today. I was nearly overwhelmed
by the immensity of their minds that had been shattered and
disillusioned by perhaps the commercialism or perhaps the
competition that has arisen on the Internet. It's just all
a dark cloud of evil and betrayal, lies, and corporate denial.
I lost someone else that I very much enjoyed my friendship
with for another stupid error. Just had to use my idiocy to
break up another great relationship. Had to insult one of
those whose personality I very much enjoyed, and whom hates
my guts savagely now. Not much I can do about it. There
probably is, I'm just too lazy. Maybe.
I just spoke to my grandfather that lives out in Colorado.
I tried to humor him a bit. Sometimes I feel that elders
of the society feel a bit downtrodden and downcast in
today's world of technology and information. The gods and
contemporary values that they modeled their lives after
are by day being destructed by the malefactors of society.
Sometimes I wish I lived in a simple era. Something like
the thirties. Maybe the economy was slow, but the heartbreak
and turmoil in lives was so much less. I'm not sure how I
know this. I'm not sure really.. about anything.
Leave me alone. That's what I want to say alot of
the time to everyone. I wake up and I'm fucking tired.
But I drag myself out of a hellacious nights sleep and
throw myself into some clothes and make a dash out of
the door trying to make it to the clang of a bell. I'm
a trained negro, in the words of Ice Cube. And hell, I'm
not even black. I guess I am special.
I also understand that I have accomplished much. I
see that I have had many things to be proud of this
year. Constantly I try to renew my interests in a variety
of subjects and to keep abreast of developments that are
under way in all aspects of my life. I invested in a book
on organizing my personal life. Works pretty well. Seems
like it'd work. Lots of things seem that way. It'll take
time to put the theory into practice. Proactivity is a
tough course to take, and tougher one to pass.
"She's tired and lonely, scared and depressed." Yup.
She keeps losing the one's she loved too. I remember
the days the two of us were together. But now it seems
like every tie I had to her is severed and lost in the
cybernetic void that is the Internet. Her boyfriend is
being investigated, seems like he's taking the path of
outlawish tactics, much like the others she so cleverly
manipulated into loving her. She still brings a smile
to my face.
This girl that likes me says she is going to commit
suicide. She has the perfect life. I tell her she is
fucking stupid. Maybe I contribute to her apathy for
herself. I don't even care.
I want to go back to the way things were but I want to
go on as well. I want to put the skeletons of the former
me far away. Never to be found.
I'm glad I got this out.
-dropcomm
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