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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Revenge of Zit-Man
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It had been 20 years since we had encountered the hideous
Zit-Man. Jeremiah had become a very successful architect and had built
his own condominium out in the country. Brian had long since retired as
a pro basketball player after he was injured in an auto accident 15 years
before. Of course, he was set because he was paid over $4 million a year
and began receiving a pension in excess of $1 million per year. Brent
had become the all-time NFL leader in quarterback sacks for a linebacker
before switching to the WLAF, where he shattered every possible record
for linebackers. Andrew had successfully put out some of the hottest
movies of the last decades, including the first Zit-Man movie, a $25
million grosser. Me? I'd sat at home and watched all of my stocks and
bonds skyrocket to an incredible amount. My wife and I constantly
visited our friends, and they constantly visited us. We were all well
off, and we all went out to dinner every other Friday night. The only
thing we didn't have yet were children; our wives had each had a
miscarriage and didn't want to go through the agony again. We happened
to be out on a Friday night, and we decided to stop at the local tavern
before heading home. Since we were all driving in Brian's deluxe
conversion van, we appointed a designated driver, which turned out to be
me. While I had a Coke, everyone else polished off a few assorted beers
and they became generally wasted. On the way home, in the roadside, I
spotted what appeared to be a young woman, clothes torn and tattered,
cuts up and down her leg, and apparently she had been in the ditch for
quite some time. I stopped the van to investigate and when I stepped out
of the van there was a familiar, haunting odor in the air. Half of our
passengers had passed out, so I was on my own. Suddenly the memories
shot back into me like a bullet -- the young woman in the ditch, the
ammunition store, the library, the drug store, the OXY revolver,.... and
Zit-Man. He was back. But how? We'd finished off Zit-Man twenty years
ago -- twenty years ago to THIS DAY! I knew trouble was afoot. All of a
sudden I saw a trail of a foamy sludge. I tested it; it was obviously
fresh. I didn't really know what to do. I realized that there was the
chance of Zit-Man coming back to have vengeance on us; I just couldn't
figure out why he was back, or, more importantly, HOW he was back. I
decided to conduct a little investigation. I followed the trail of
sludge into a thick wood, where I determined his den must be. All of a
sudden, I noticed that the sludge was gone; it had literaly disappeared
without a trace. Then I looked around. I saw a horrifying sight: there
were twisted animal bodies dangling by tree limbs which obviously had
been "popped". I began to realize that I had probably made a mistake by
doing this; the others were out and no one had even realized I'd left.
All of a sudden out of nowhere came Zit-Man. Twenty years had passed but
he was the same hideous creature; but how? I'd killed him twenty years
to this very night! Then he began to speak; Zit-Man couldn't speak
twenty years before! He said: "I have returned, nemesis. That day
twenty years ago is over. After the OXY entered my system I completely
evaporated -- or so you thought. You fool! You failed to realize what
happened! You left a steaming pile of goo in front of the drug store and
took it for dead! But I was able to reform with the help of a young mad
scientist; he threatened to use me but I was able to pop him before he
could stop me. I waited until this night, twenty years after I was
murdered, to return and kill you!"
I had to act fast. I realized I could not withstand the force of
a complete pop. I remembered that Zit-Man could only be destroyed by an
OXY gun, No! He could withstand it, of course! It couldn't kill him
twice. There had to be a different method, another way to destroy it!
But it didn't matter. My main concern was avoiding him destroying me,
not to mention my poor friends in the van! What was there to do? I
started running. Zit-Man popped one and the ooze sprang after me, but I
was able to maneuver out of the way. Then he started giving chase. I
realized that the power of the ooze was not effective against rubber, so
I decided to break for the van and try and outrun him. He then suddenly
appeared in the forest and whistled, revealing hideous Zit-Creatures of
his that possessed the same qualities he did. He started laughing
grotesquely. He blubbered about how the Zit-Creatures were conceived
from his own flesh, able to withstand the effect of any weapon. I
realized that I was hopelessly lost. All of a sudden I saw a vine
hanging from a tree limb. I grabbed it and started climbing while some
of the Zit-Creatures tried to pop at me. Then I realized that my only
way of escape was through -- through the trees. I started leaping from
tree to tree, dodging ooze pops. All of a sudden a Zit-Creature popped
one and hit me in the arm. I lost all feeling in my elbow down and
realized that I had one last chance. I broke for the van and I was soon
within plain sight of it. I leaped out of the trees and raced to the van
to find my wife there, muttering. I inspected -- Zit-Man had been here!
He had left a note: "Ah! You now realize what you must pay for my
destruction twenty years ago! You thought that your friends were drunk,
eh? Try knock-out drug! I know about your little Friday night parties
and I was prepared. I think that if you look in the back seat of your
puny vehicle you might find something very unpleasant!" I went to the
back of the van and started crying. Zit-Man had killed Brent and his
wife, Betty. I couldn't believe it. All of a sudden Zit-Man was no
longer a hideous creature -- he was a personal vengeance. Brent had to
be avenged!
I was able to wake the others and explain what happened; tears
started flowing in their eyes as well. We all vowed immediate revenge
against Zit-Man. We flew out of the can to find another note: "Ha! If
you think that puny ittle mannequin in the rear is your friend, think
again! I have your puny friends and if you want them you'll have to come
get them!" We had to do something; but what was there that could still
be done? OXY wouldn't work this time but there had to be something --
there had to be! Then we developed a brainstorm. Obviously, there was a
way! Of course! We were thinking solely of weapons -- we didn't realize
that it, too, could be killed by means such as drowning or suffocation.
We had to develop a plan. We decided that the only thing we could do was
to try and construct a device that would trap Zit-Man. This way he could
be removed without mortally touching him. We had to work, however.
Jeremiah took the initiative, constructing some unrecognizable entity
which looked kind of like a beat-up old construction crane. We decided
that the best way to do it was to go into Zit-Man's lair and grab him
with our makeshift crane, allowing escape in the nick of time. Of
course, it wouldn't be easy -- there were still Zit-Creatures roaming
around in the forest near his lair. There had to be an easy way to stop
them -- and we developed it. Zit-Man himself was intrigued by greasy
food but he was too smart to fall for a food trap. But the Zit-Creatures
might not be, and besides, they would in all probability go ape over the
grease anyway. We made the decision to act immediately.
We began setting grease-traps when Betty came running out of the
blue. We asked her what happened and she said she was able to escape but
Brent was still being held along with others in Zit-Man's "Cold Storage"
room. Our wives tried to comfort her and took her back to the van, but
they shortly came screaming back saying the van had vanished. This was
obviously another work of Zit-Man but we had no idea that he could have
done this. Suddenly we saw tens upon tens of Zit-Creatures racing for
the grease-surprises. The traps were working!
With the Zit-Creatures out of the way, we were ready for the big
daddy himself. We decided that we would have to blaze a trail through
the forested area for the crane so we racedinto town and got machetes.
We returned in horror, however, as we found the crane had been looted.
It was obvious there was some other way into the lair as the van and
crane could obviously have not made it through the dense forest. We
searched for hours until we found it: a gigantic _underground_ passage.
There was apparently a form of safety device installed on the door to the
passage so we took a look at it. It was some sort of a coded which had
to have the correct code number to open the door. We had no clue as how
to crack the code so we just tried guesswork. We failed.
We soon discovered that this was a trap. All of a sudden a siren
started sounding out of nowhere and Zit-Man appeared with _our_ crane.
He was obviously going to strike so we had to act fast. We couldn't.
The crane, specially designed for him, scooped all of us up and we found
ourselves cramped. He then started to close the jaws, which would have
crushed us with the greatest of ease. We had but one chance. We had
designed this crane for Zit-Man so he probably didn't know about the
fail-safe protection device on the front. The problem was we couldn't
get to it because we were facing the other way and the jaws were coming
down too quickly. We had to go for it. The mouth started slowly turning
around and we caugh a glimpse of the box on the front. We were in too
tight a situation to hit it with anything, though, so we had to clear out
to allow room. Somehow Brian wiggled his left arm free, took a quarter,
and with the same precision from his old basketball days, scored a direct
hit. The crane started whizzing around and stopped as it was about to
close us off for good..
We still had to figure out a way out of the crane mouth, however,
as we were still trapped and helpless. We managed to open it slightly to
find Zit-Man below, popping at us. Then I came up with an idea. Thw
material used in the construction of the crane was NOT necessarily
Zit-Proof, as we had imagined capturing him and THEN managing to hoist
him into a Zit-Proof Container. Besides, the non-resistant part of the
crane was the steel covering to the mouth which he had apparently failed
to operate. A popped entity streamed at the crane and hit the mouth
square, oozing out a hole in the construction. When another one came we
were able to have the mouth dissolve before getting hit. We ran off and
then we tried to get to high ground to escape his pinpoint aim. We
managed to escape the woods, but we had accomplished nothing. Then we
had it. There was only one thing we had not tried. We still had yet to
try pills.
A truck came down the road so some of hitched a ride to the drug
store to get what we thought we would need. Being a chemistry minor in
college, I realized that an effective knock-out drug could be made that
would even knock out Zit-Man. After grabbing the materials, I started
working immediately.
Although he had a new immunity to OXY, I realize that possible
effectiveness was always there so I mixed a formula of sleeping pills,
OXY, hydrogen peroxide, and lye. This was obviously close to a poisonous
substance for any human, and we could only hope that Zit-Man was able to
fall under a similar trap. There still, however, remained one crucial
problem: how would we get him the concoction? There had to be a way.
We knew that grease attracted him; but he wasn't stupid enough to fall
for an obvious trap. We also knew that he ate swamp material if grease
wasn't abundant; but that wouldn't work because we knew he'd catch us
dumping anything in his swamp. Then the idea came. We would have to use
the same type of procedure that we used with the OXY gun twenty years
ago. We returned to town by hitching again and proceeded to the old
ammunition depot.
We were able to get there in the nick of time and bought another
.44 calibre and blanks. We loaded the blanks with the substance and took
a practice shot at a nearby tree. The bullet screamed out of the gun,
hit the tree, and fell to the ground, leaving not so much as a dent in
the tree. We had to find another substance to put in our lively
concoction to get positive results. Although it wasn't quite what we
were hoping for, we found it: nitro-glycerine.
Our new substance was experimented with and when it hit the tree
this time the tree kind of half-exploded and half-disintegrated. We had
the weapon to use. Now to find Zit-Man. It wasn't that hard, though, as
Zit-Man came streaming out of the forested area with something in his
hand -- it was a live grenade pouch! We raced for cover. In the fray
the gunhad been dislodged yet retrieved by Andrew, making him our only
chance against that pitiful creature. He took a shot and missed but
ending up hitting a partitioned area of Zit-Man's den. Someone escaped
from the den and as we looked closely we could tell: it was Brent!
Zit-Man fired, popped, and hurled at us but we managed to play a good
game of dodging. Then he hit Andrew with a direct score on the hand.
The gun went flying and Andrew went tumbling. Zit-Man approached and
started laughing himself hoarse. Then he started speaking again: "Ha!
You fools thought you could defeat a superior life form! Who do you
think you are? Superheroes? I lost two. This one will not escape!"
A grenade was thrown at point blank range at Andrew. He scurried
behind a tree as the grenade went off. He emerged black and cloudy, but
he wasn't hurt. Just then I caught sight of the gun. I lept for it as
Zit-Man was still trying to assail Andrew. Then, out of nowhere, the
crane appeared. Jeremiah was clearing it through the forest. This
distracted Zit-Man long enough for me to make a run at the gun. I picked
it up and went to fire it, but I couldn't. It was jammed. Then Zit-Man
caught sight of me. I dove as a grenade exploded behind me. Then he
threw a sea of red ooze around as though he was making a cage out of a
popper. We were trapped except for Jeremiah and Jenny in the crane.
Then Brian appeared with the van. It seemed it had been ditched in a
remote corner of the woods with the motor still running to exhaust the
fuel. The van broke through a trail of the ooze net and the crane made a
blow at Zit-Man. He was distracted again.
I dove for the gun again, trying to unjam it. Finally all of the
bullets came tumbling out and I had to prevent a pure nitro explosion. I
reloaded the bullets in the .44 and set my sights on the distracted
Zit-Man. The crane had knocked him 25 yards into the trees of the forest
and he was extremely angry. He all of a sudden popped a huge lower zit
which flew directly at the crane. The crane keeled over with Jeremiah
and Jenny inside of it and they were helpless. I had to act fast. I
fired a shot at him but missed over his head, hitting the van. The van
gave a small explosion and Brian evacuated. The van exploded and Zit-Man
was coming after me. I had but three bullets left. I shot again but
missed left and hit another portion of his lair. It exploded and a
sticky film was rained across the forest. He started laughing again. I
had two shots left.
Then he popped one at me. It missed, but I dropped the gun
avoiding it. Brian, Brent, Betty, Zit-Man, and I all raced for the gun
and Brian won the race. He took a point blank shot but missed badly.
Zit-Man knocked it out of his his hands -- right into mine. I had one
shot left -- a shot at point-blank range. I fired and hit him right
above the eyes -- a similar location to that of twenty years ago. All of
a sudden Zit-Man exploded, leaving an oozy trail behind him. We were all
hit by remnants of the oozy substances but managed to make it out to the
road. We flagged down a car and made straight to the hospital.
We were able to get help to get Jeremiah and Jenny from the
crane. Brent had to stay in the hospital for three days because the
Zit-Substance had eaten away at his skin. Andrew was able to develop
another high-grossing blockbuster out of it, and he generously split his
profits with us. I only hope this book can gross as much as his movie --
you can rest assured that I'll be splitting profits. Of course, we
really don't need much in the way of additional profits -- we plan to
have a condominium complex built for all five couples. It'll probably
cost in excess of $1 million, but it'll be worth it. Now, back to work,
trying to lick those rotten miscarriages.
-- murmur
written in 1991
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