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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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SOL on AOL
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I don't think this is one of those things that you have to know a
lot about publishing to laugh at, so here it goes:
I work for a journal that publishes medical article, amongst other
things. I was talking with the printing house for our journal about how we
could save $1000 a year by emailing articles rather than sending them by
courier. Unfortunately, these stone-chiseling, cave-painting, Gideon
press-running, monk-scribbling, backward scribes have NO concept of anything
reasonably hi-tech other than to say that they came to work in a "horseless
carriage". This guy must have had a bowl of Crispy Wheat and Testicles for
breakfast ('Now with 30% more Cahonies!") because his reply to my request to
email these files was (ahem...)
"My staff tells me it would be too labor intensive."
Pardon!? "Labor intensive"!? Are they going to translate the files
from binary by hand? Am I sending these files in Apache? "Labor
intensive"!?
Now while you may think this is me over-reacting (perish the
thought) because I am (overly) comfortable with email, I disagree. Normally
I'd say yes if it were an Internet application, as I do understand that not
everyone has severed their ties with society and learned the ins-and-outs of
the internet. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Some of you may have
guessed what kind of email it is already, and understand why undies are all
in a bunch.
They are using AOL.
AOL and "LABOR INTENSIVE" go together the same way 'Christian
Coalition' and 'Maplethrope photo exhibit' roll off the tongue.
There are some that will say that AOL is still a little tricky.
Sure, I'll concede to this, too. My friend's grandmother had just a tizzy
trying to do a keyword search for a peach cobbler recipe until he showed her
to look up 'cooking' instead. I mean this woman could STILL BE THERE pining
away at AOL, wasting what could be her last few days of mortality, hung up
on a semantics problem. To this end, not everyone is an AOL guru, or even
needs to be one.
Still, please think with me for a moment: This is the disk that
they send to mailboxes all over the country, and of which over 6 million
people have figured out and use. This does not include the millions of
others that tried and didn't like it, or evolved up to the Internet
(sorry if I offend any AOL'ers, but the day will come when you log-on
with your online opposable thumb). This is the online software they
give to parolees and vagrants. This is the software that is behind every
third paper towel in public restrooms and are stuck to the floor of movie
theaters. It is so popular because ANYONE CAN USE IT. Even if you never
learn how to control satellite orbits from the "WELCOME!" window, there
is one thing that they are even training cockroaches to do after a nuclear
war: Send email on AOL.
I will not know (or perhaps ever understand) what was 'labor
intensive' about AOL email until Tuesday, so I cannot share that with
you, kind reader. For that matter, I may never bring up again as the
concept has the mental equivalent of snorting paint thinner. I did want
to share this to demonstrate a point that those of us without children
have not learned yet. Do you remember giving the LAMEST excuses to your
parents, thinking you had pulled one over on them?
"Who knocked over the milk?"
"Maybe it just FELL over!"
"Are you asleep?"
"Yeah."
"I told you not to do this."
"Well Dad said it was ok!"
Bull. We never pulled any of crap-excuses over on them. I'm told
when you're a parent, you realize what kind of a BS artist you THOUGHT you
were at that age. To me, this whole email issue is the childhood/online
version of this.
"Do think your Mother is an idiot? Go to your room until you're
ready to use AOL email, and that means without dinner young man!"
Capone
capone@dimensional.com
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(11/25/96)