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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Mortality?
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Damn. I just realized the other day that I am going to die. I
mean, this isn't a NEW thing to me, I came to terms with it a long
time ago but it has always been sort of an abstract concept to me.
It took the death of a guy I went to Armor School with to really
drive the point home. I have had people die around me : family,
friends from school etc, but this guy just really made it REAL to
me. Mind you, it has been several months since he died but for
some reason it suddenly clicked as I was thinking about it. This
guy was driving a truck through a mountain path in Bosnia and the
truck went off the side of the cliff. Now, Floyd here had volunteered
to go to Bosnia knowing that he would be taken off a tank and
stuck in the support elements. I don't know what made him volunteer,
but it cost him his life... Strange how random it is. As I recall,
Floyd almost didn't graduate OSUT with me because of a low PT score.
He didn't have to be a Hemitt driver. He might not even have ended up
on that mountain at that moment if not for a billion small factors...
But, those things all added up to the fact that he went out and died.
If any one of those things had been different would he have gone off
that cliff? Not passing that PT test would have put him out of
OSUT and into Germany two weeks later and probably in a different unit.
Not volunteering would have left him in the rear pulling lawn mowing
details. Five minutes sooner or later might have avoided that slick
spot. I dunno, it just seems so bizzare to think about all the things
that have to go right just to make something so wrong happen. A million
details for one end result. Death is either one hell of an equation, or
one hell of a fractal. It's beyond me.
Now, I suppose that I've dealt with my impending status as worm food
I should be getting all mushy and going on about how only God can make
it all right for me and that there is something after this mortal coil
is sloughed off. I suppose I should be going on like all the people
who get to this point, but I won't. I can't. I gave up on a higher
being looooong ago. I really would like to be able to do as so many
do and have faith that all I have striven to learn and do won't just
end up as so many rotting cells and ended impulses. It seems so
hard to believe that the time my friends and I were caught trying to
steal pumpkins will vanish with us. All the adrenaline when that
first cop light hit us (all 15-20 of us. Subtle we were not) and all
the jokes that followed days later will be gone. The time I
popped a smoke grenade in a phone booth here on post. Crawling through
drainage tunnels under my hometown. Laughter...Sadness all those X
numbers of years gone like that. I think that it is these kind of
thoughts that have me on this "life is neat" kick I've been traveling
as of late. If all that I feel and know is going to dissapear I
might as well not bog down a finite amount of time with needless
bitching and moaning. Hey, alles gut mit mir.
So, you might be saying "why is it you can't believe in God fj?"
(Of course, you could be thinking about the time you took to snag this
file). I dunno. I suppose that it is mostly a selfish reason. I just
couldn't get over this believe or burn thing. Why can't a Godly life
without God get you some sort of eternal life. I mean, heaven can
sublet to kind agnostics and atheists. What? You don't think God has
infinite space to deal with real estate wise? Really tho, the first
time this occured to me I was probably eight or nine. I had been
smuggled onto my fathers truck (he drove for a shipping company) and
was going to Chicago to drop something. At one point in the trip I was
lying there, looking asleep next to my father as he got up to begin
driving after that nights rest. As he headed into the cab he stopped
and reached over and brushed a lock of hair off my forehead then went
about the business of driving. At that moment I thought "God, if you
do exist and you allow my father to go to Hell, then I can't believe in
you having infinite wisdom like they say...But infinite cruelty is
within your grasp." There in that sleeper in my head I spent a lot of
time that trip rationalizing how I felt about the universe in that
sense. Sure, my father was a big and verbally abusive man.. But when he
showed you love he showed an almost unending capacity for it. Only his
violent mood swings kept him from being a diety to me because I knew that
he might love you then and there, but then something from the day would
set him off and everyone would feel his wrath. It's because of this
that I can't believe in a merciful God. How is an all of nothing
system of belief supposed to be merciful?
SO, OK Michael (that's me) we've come to grips with the fact that
death is indeed imminent. We have also explored the roots of your
atheism and discovered that no matter how much you want it, at the
heart of it all you can't believe that you go on after the EEG goes
flat. So, what is a man supposed to do? Just what is the meaning
of life to the rest of us slobs and yourself? Fuck, like I have
a clue. Probably the best meanting of life I have ever heard is
Monty Python's : (paraphrased) Be nice to people, read a good book,
try to get in a walk now and again, use a condom etc. Sometimes I think
the closest I'll ever get to heaven is the feel of being warm on a
cold night, under a blanket with a warm female body next to me..
And I suppose that is all I can really ask for.
Enjoy.
-fastjack
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