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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Black Holes and a Brief History of Office Politics
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OK, I now officially have four things going at once. It's just
one of those days where I find it impossible to focus on ANYTHING at all.
I start something and suddenly start thinking "No, this has ceased to amuse
me. Take it away!", and then start something else. I have 8 programs running
at the same time, each with a piece of some project on it. I figure if I
start a few more, I will have reached critical mass. Once this has occurred
there are two possible outcomes; would you like to hear them (not much of a
question since you can't answer)?
At critical mass, I will
1) Explode- This is the most likely outcome. There will be a
flash of light, followed by a rush of heat and impact from the sudden
expulsion of air. Contained in the 'flashpoint' will be large amounts of
debris from my office (consisting mostly of unfinished projects and intended
recycling), trace amounts of radiation (from 2 computers and monitors and a
scanner), and a fine red mist of biological material (namely me, with
molecular remains of an unpressed dress shirt and slacks).
This explosion will have a half life of half an hour or so as
things happen pretty quickly in the office these days, and explosion-related
downsizing has little overall environmental impact. The most devastating
effect of the explosion will be the lingering effects it has on those
exposed to the explosion. The resulting forwarded calls, mail, and projects
will effect those significantly in 15' of ground-zero (may be larger in
larger departments). They will find themselves dizzy, nauseous, and
suffering hair-loss due to the increased work load. Those on the outer edge
of ground-zero may experience discomfort and annoyance from work that may
reach them or from the inevitable complaints of those trapped in the
epicenter.
2) Implode - This is less likely, but scientists do not rule out
the possibility that "Singularity Employees" do in fact exist. These
"Singularity Employees", or SEs, are the result of inter-office implosions.
When a work load has become to dense due to deadlines, unfinished
projects, unanswered voice/email/smail mail, and open applications on the
computer, the mass is to great for the employee to sustain themselves
physically. At critical mass the employee, now with too much mass to expel
outwards in an explosion, has no choice but to begin to collapse upon
themselves.
As the employee begins to collapse, they will become denser and
heavier as their work crushes their physical form and spirit. Every project
will become significantly larger and more important as a result of the
phenomena, now impossible to complete to anyone's satisfaction or
expectations. Even if a project should escape the gravity of the employee,
now growing exponentially, it will be so overwhelming to anyone that
inherits it that they in turn will collapse under the weight of it.
Eventually, they will become "White Office Dwarfs". These dwarves
are noted by the slouch, dragging feet, and crushed morale. They are now
10 to 100x as dense as before, with the sheer burden of the collapse
preventing the escape of intelligent or even original thought. They may
still give off some light of optimism, but it will be faint and hard to
detect with the naked eye outside of their own department.
After this stage, the collapse continues and the resulting
"Singularity Employee" (SE) is formed. The SE has now become so incredibly
dense that not only have they been completely crushed by existing projects,
but in fact begins to draw other foreign projects towards them. These new
projects will be those of other employees that are also unfinished and are
seeking a destination to be blamed on. The SE, unable to stop the flow of
incoming projects, is now also blamed for the new unfinished projects in
their department, in other departments, and if their gravity is significant
enough, those from other divisions of the company (perhaps even out of state
or oversees). Due to increased telecommunications, SEs can now exert
gravity via phone, fax, and email.
A SE will be impossible to see with the naked eye. The SE, so
buried by projects, will actually draw in even the LIGHT of hope and
optimism itself. Their gravity actually makes the SE invisible as they will
never come out from under their work and, thus, will not be perceived to
exist in the office any longer. So crushed will the SE become, that it will
not want to be perceived due to the demands and reprimands of those
surrounding the event.
Largely an unproven event overall, there is growing debate in
management circles. Still, at the recent 22nd Annual Conference of Office
Administrators, skeptics scoffed at the concept of an SE. Instead, they
called it a "Multiskilled" or "Multitasked" employee. Others claimed the
phenomena to be "Redefined Position Due to Downsizing" or most ridiculously,
a simple result of "Poor Time Management Skills".
Scientific fact or office fiction? I cannot judge. Office Physics
is unfortunately still not even a recognized science. With leaders in the
field like Scott Adams bringing the idea into the mainstream, there is still
hope. Untill the day the that they no longer burn employees at the stake
for disproving the concept that the manager is the physical center of the
office, and other employees revolve around them, we will remain in the dark
ages.
Capone
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