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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Riddle Me This
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I'm driving to work this morning and there is this female DJ on complaining
that her fiancee doesn't trust her because he won't give her his voice
messaging pin number. Now, while the easy thing would be to start harping
on her about that, and thinking in the non-linear fashion I do, I was
puzzled by something else completely. How Operation Engagement Ring became
a success.
Just to clear things up, I don't mean the "two months salary" crap
that was worked out at the Malta Wedding Conference between the male world
leaders of the day and the New York diamond merchants. No, gentleman, that
is still as low a moment as the day we agreed to strap and the harness and
mow the lawn into the foreseeable future. What I refer to is the very fact
we get women to wear these things.
I mean, we have taken a natural fondness of jewelry, an obsession
with diamonds, and the insatiable need for romance, and combined them to
sell the greatest territory-marker in history. Yes gentlemen, where once
our pre-evolved ancestors would mark a patch of land and a bride in the same
stream of urine, for the small price of two-months salary (compared of
course to relieving ourselves on our lawn and loved-ones) we can now
proclaim our tactics have evolved as well.
Think about it for a moment: In the new prison release system,
they now fit convicts with transponders or "bracelets" in order to track
their movements while on work-release or house arrest. These bracelets send
out a signal that allows prison officials to monitor the location of the
offenders, and announces to the community "I am a criminal and have been
tagged by the MAN!"
Romantically, we have a device our own to this end. The engagement
ring. This combination of stone and metal is a very heart-felt transponder
that allows the men of the world to sleep at night. Once we find a women we
love enough to sacrifice our happiness for in the name of marriage, we now
have a new dilemma to wrestle with. Now most men don't think "Hey, if she
goes out dancing without me, someone might sleep with my chick!" Now, these
same men think "Hey, if she goes out dancing without me, someone might sleep
with my future bride and possible mother of my children!"
Now, the male pride is being challenged on an almost unthinkable
level. The panic equals that of the moment that you realize that you
finally lost the tv remote FOR GOOD. So what are we willing to do to make
up for this? Cough up two-months salary of course.
Think gentlemen: "Honey, will you marry me and be the happiest
yadda-yadda-yadda" Green light. Slap on the wedding shackle. Yes, that
ring now announces to the surrounding men that she isn't completely taken
yet, but she might as well be. You have spent so much damn money on the
most obvious and unmistakable symbol of "stay away from her chumps", that it
will not go unnoticed.
Why do engaged men seem to be happier than married or even single men?
They have the best of two worlds. They are superior to single males by
virtue of:
1) No longer having to date - Gone is the humiliation of meeting
women, the ordeal of the date, and the financial loss of the whole fiasco.
In fact, after engagement, most men don't even take their fiancee out any
more, thus getting back the money spent on the ring.
2) Romantic down-time - You've made one of the single most
romantic gestures and are making plans for an even bigger one. For the next
few months you can sit on those laurels.
3) Marking your territory - As previously stated, instead of
pissing on someone, you've instead pissed away cash. At least get some sleep.
They are superior to married men by virtue of:
1) Let the wallet fly wide open again: Engagement is straddled
with a single expense, namely, the ring. Now, nothing short of a car,
home, and matching dinette set will begin to satisfy the beast that is
married life.
2) The honeymoon not having started, letting alone being over -
The vows taken, the cake eaten, the honeymoon taken, the inevitable "So what
now" look from the new bride. Yes men, time to dust off those laurels and
start to impress all over again.
3) Your matching transponder - Yes, the party is officially over.
You too have a ring.
That is the part that amazes me most. For a number of months, you
convinced the women you love to wear this ring while you escaped scott free.
While her hand is announcing her engagement to the world, unless you pipe
up, you could pass off the biggest scam since the black guy on Hogan's
Heroes would don a uniform and pass himself off as a Nazi officer. She is
taken, and you none of the same marking. In theory, you are still a free man.
How was this allowed? I give women huge credit in the brains
department, yet this one slipped right past the early warning system. Men,
by and large, find fidelity a hard concept to begin with. Women, in turn,
are WELL aware of it. Yet, they end up being tagged like a baby seal by Jim
the hunter in a Mutual Omaha's Wild Kingdom episode while we now have the
potential of continuing to hunt gazelles uninhibited.
Is this a test? Have we been duped? Are we being set up for
failure? For all we know from the moment we giving her a ring, our phones
are being tapped. On the other hand, this could just be a clever maneuver
to allow a man to get used to the crushing pressure of a committed
relationship by allowing him sit in the decompression chamber of engagement
to avoid a case of the emotional bends brought on unfathomable depths of
marriage. Well, perhaps.
While I was so willing to tote a victory, I now think I've instead
uncovered a clever ruse. So clever, it seems that BOTH sides seem to lose.
Have I just reached the point comparable to the reaction the Warren
Commission should have had when ammunition was proclaimed to be "magical"?
Since there is still only a lone gunman written into the history books, I
will not try to solve this enigma today. Point being: Until the day the
engagement process takes on a level of seriousness as the "exploding
shackle" from The Running Man where your bride-to-be loses the whole hand if
she tries to take it off or get more that 1000 feet from you, I think we
should focus our efforts on determining why every Valentine's Day we spend
good money on floral arrangements that have started to die before they are
even delivered on day that symbolizes the optimism of love lasting forever.
So it goes.
Capone (capone@dimensional.com)
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