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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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JOURNAL ENTRIES 1992
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Written for F.U.C.K.
Feb 10, 1996
During my college years (1988-1993) I kept a journal off and on.
For the better part of 1989-1990 I made entries in my journal
whether or not anything exciting happened. It was more of a way
of getting my thoughts and ideas down on paper for future
reference. After my journal entries slowed in 1990 I began doing
a "zine." (Zine being an underground magazine.) The zine was
called "Fathoms Below" and was more or less my journal entries on
a less personal and smaller scale to a wider audience than
myself. I produced some intense issues (5 in all) from Summer
1989 to Summer 1992 during which time I made very few journal
entries. Below are two of my final journal entries-both of which
happen to lean towards a more angry/uncertain self. I hope to
bundle a bunch of my "better" journal entries and other writings
into a future book entitled "Swimming in the Hate Pool." But for
now, it is time to take a trip back in time to 1992.
January 12, 1992-Sunday
Wow, it is another semester again. I moved from the "Hell hole"
I was in last semester to perhaps another bad situation.
So I decide to go to the library in order to get some studying
done. I decide 5th floor CES (at the University of Florida)
because no talking should be going on (i.e. it is not allowed).
I choose a seat and proceed to study and sure enough, about 15
fee away some girl and guy are talking. Well, since no talking
is allowed I am getting seriously pissed off. My anger grows and
that is all I seemed to be able to concentrate on at the time.
Finally, I gave up trying to study-due to the talking and my
anger-and proceeded on home to my dorm room. I caught a glimpse
of Buffalo winning the AFC. They will now be going to the Super
Bowl.
Sometimes I feel I am too serious about studying. If I could
relax and "breath" easier I don't think all these things would
piss me off. My anger makes me mean and I do attempt to control
my anger but sometimes am unable too. Like last night. My
roommate-the frat brat Gary-and his friends came in around 2am
and were making noise. I finally got my ear plugs out and used
them but they were rude, inconsiderate, and just plain assholes.
I wonder what I should or could do. My insides want me to go out
and break these guys but I know it is a bit unrealistic. I'm
strong but 3 against 1 would make things a bit uneven, even if I
did use a bat. I am surprised I can control myself to keep from
smashing though. When people disturb me at night I want to
destroy. Talk it over with your roommate. That seems realistic
but what happens when I become angry and nervous and say the
wrong thing. Maybe he will get the point.
Right now my throat feels like it has a knot in it and my stomach
almost feels empty. Something's not right, I need a release, I
need something. I least I think I need something.
I try to do my best at school and stuff but when things get in my
way I get upset. When I lose control I get down. So when I am
disturbed by noise or a roommate I usually blow it all out of
proportion and wham I'm back to where I was last
semester-depressed, angry, and wanting out. Perhaps it is the
vitamins. It is hard to say what is really going on. I'm
reading a book called "Happiness is a choice." Is it really? I
seem to let too many things get me down.
Welp, the RA wanted me to reconstruct my bed-housing policy says
furniture can not be disassembled since this is a new complex. I
have more room in my 7'x11' cell this way, plus I don't care for
springy beds. Anyhow, because I told him I'm not going to do it
I will probably end up seeing a conduct board. [Which did
happen.] Who knows what will happen. I will fight to keep my
bed as it is or ask to be let off campus. I'm tired of their
crap. Having assholes for roommates and such. It is really hard
to say how all this is going to affect me. I will continue to
fight for what I believe is right and do what I can to achieve
it. Resorting to violence or destruction is not how I care to go
about doing things. However if that happens it is simply because
I was pushed too far.
I'm trying to stay happy and content this semester and not let
things overwhelm me. I pray that I can make it through the
semester okay. This will be my last semester on campus
housing-thank goodness-I can only hope for better in the real
world or get help and face reality.
January 27, 1992
Wow, just got out of Fields and I felt this intense feeling of
anger, hatred, and just wanted to utterly destroy. The anger is
over the new roommate Mark. I'm not sure about him but he
doesn't seem to respect other individuals. Or, at least that is
the way I see it. Sometimes I have a low frustration tolerance
and this will help me but.Let me think of things he does or has
done that bother me. Maybe that will make me feel better. Well,
the first thing is he often plays his music loud assuming no one
else cares. That annoys me and every once in awhile I tell him
to turn it down. Thick skull. He as also used some of my
silverware and not cleaned/replaced it back to where it belongs.
Another thing is he smokes and I have noticed that he doesn't
only do it in his own room-and I've talked to him about this.
Haven't caught him at it though. And when I do want to talk to
him he might just have his radio on loud. So the radio, smoke,
using my stuff without cleaning it and not cleaning up messes he
sometimes makes.
Well, I think I will confront him about his smoke and ask him to
keep it in his room as well as keeping the door shut when he does
smoke.
My roommates seem to have been manufactured in Roommate Hell.
Where some mean asshole is mass producing indifferent mother-
fuckers. At least, or at least I feel that, I'm not indifferent.
I try to be considerate and not annoy others. So maybe this
keeps me to myself. I can tolerate some stuff but I feel a
little is enough. It is just when it starts effecting my
emotions and gets me pissed off that I hate.
Reflecting more on the positives and trying to be more tolerant
as well as letting my thoughts known in a tactful manner is
something I will attempt to do. Then it is time to bring someone
like the RA in and after that it is time to play the same
game-you live by the sword and you die by the sword.
Okay, I'm calming down and trying to relieve myself of any anger
and will attempt to be a nice guy again.
If you let them, they will destroy you,
Pallbearer
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