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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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What is a Twit?, Are You a Twit? ³
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* Twits love DOWNLOADING. Uploading is for simpletons who can't tell
whether they are coming or going. If Twits designed modems, we'd all
have one which downloaded at 18.2 K-Baud, and uploaded at 300 baud.
If Twits wrote protocols, the smallest block they could receive would
be 10 megs.
* Twits can't READ or COUNT. This is evidenced by their total inability
to comprehend System Rules, or Upload/Download Ratio's. But, for some
strange reason, they can still use a computer.
Because of this handicap, most Twits are unemployed. It is a miracle
that most of them haven't been retained by the State to pick up trash
on the expressways. They'd gladly volunteer for it, if it could be
done with a modem and they were called "Remote-Trash Downloaders".
* Twits feel that the proper way to leave a board is to drop the
carrier. They do this because they don't want to waste their valuable
time exiting via the "Goodbye" command, when they could spend that
time calling another board.
* Twits NEVER leave messages, unless it is rude, crude, or socially
unacceptable. If an exception to this exists, it will probably be a
creative one-liner such as
"Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". Twits rarely reply to
messages. Unless they enter a one-liner such as the one above.
* Twits NEVER communicate with SysOps, unless it is to ask WHY such and
such a file is unavailable, to demand access to the "Pirate-Board",
or to gripe about something. Mail from the SysOp is considered to be
the electronic equivalent of "Junk-Mail", and should be ignored. In
fact, there should be some form of law to stop it from being written.
* Twits NEVER pay for access to a computer system. They see themselves
as latter-day "Robin-Hoods", taking from the rich (SysOps) and giving
to the Poor (Themselves). Their motto is: "If it isn't free, it isn't
worth having."
* Twits NEED multiple logon codes. This is the measure of their
Twit-dom, and reflects their true status in the Twit-community. A
Twit with only ONE logon code is a FAILURE, and faces censure and
possible expulsion from their peer group. (It is no wonder that Twits
exhibit schizo-tendencies)
* Twits know EVERYTHING. Just ask them. But, it'd take a crow-bar and
dynamite to get any useful information out of them. These
self-professed "experts" will RARELY stoop so low as to assist
someone who may genuinely need some help. After all, a REAL "hacker"
never needs or asks for help.
* A Twit would not be caught dead using their REAL NAME when calling a
BBS. In fact, Twits refuse to leave anything more involved than a
handle when registering with a BBS. (EVERYONE knows who "Slinky Toy"
is!!!)
The ONLY exception to this rule is that they will often use SOMEONE
ELSE's real name. Or, they may use the name of a Heavy-Metal rock &
roll group. (Imagine a system where everyone is named "Guns&Roses")
* Twits NEVER register their Shareware. Cash is what they use to buy
faster modems. Program authors are neurotic-compulsives, and if they
did not serve a purpose, Twits would have them abolished completely.
* Twits ADORE Sprint, MCI, and other long-distance credit card numbers,
IF they belong to someone else. This also applies to COMPUSERV,
SOURCE, etc. Their motto is: "If you can't steal it, it can't be much
fun".
* A Twit is a "BBS Connoisseur". They KNOW how your system SHOULD look
and run. They will not hesitate to inform you if it fails to meet
their demanding and rigid expectations. (They consider this a "Public
Service") However, they would NEVER trouble themselves to run their
OWN BBS. That might take valuable time away from their duties as
"Remotes" on the 30 or more systems they spend all their waking
moments calling.
* Twits LOVE to page the SysOp, often just for the sheer hell of it.
They are most fond of "Late-Night" paging. This is the perfect time
for them to explain the infallable logic as to why they should be
given Remote-SysOp access to your system. Their second most favored
reason for wanting to chat is "Just checking to see if you were
THERE!"
* Twits cannot comprehend WHY the IBM program they just downloaded
won't run on their Atari 800. After all, programs are programs,
right? And, any fool knows that a 32K machine can hold a 200K
program.
* Twits can't TOLERATE seeing a command that they can't use. Their
motto is "try, try again". If it didn't work the first time, it HAS
to work on the second, third, fourth, etc. No self-respecting SysOp
would intentionally offer them anything less than TOTAL ACCESS.
* Twits are FASCINATED by DOS. Their quest for it rivals the search for
the legendary "Holy-Grail". They MUST reach it, through their modem,
or all is lost. What they would do with it if they reached it, is
probably a lot like what a dog who chases cars would do with one if
he managed to catch it. (Pee on the tires?)
* Twits are totally ENGROSSED by hardware. They can conceive of the
most unorthodox, outrageous, and potentially lethal contraptions
known on Earth. Occasionally, these "time-bombs" actually work. Any
difficulties they experience with their computers will fall under the
heading of "Miscegenation", or "Poetic Justice".
* Twits CRAVE the LATEST version of "Goober-Pods", or "Space-Weenies".
To reward the SysOp for access to such mega-byte gems, they will
upload VALUABLE and USEFUL programs in return. Such as
"Weasel-Stompers" for the Commodore-64, providing it is less than 10K
in size.
* A Twit NEVER uses applications programs, and NEVER writes programs.
(Programs are what Twits DOWNLOAD, and most can just BARELY write or
spell) Their motto: "If you don't need a joystick to play it, it
isn't worth having".
* A real Twit will FLATLY REFUSE to use ANY compression method on files
they intend to upload. After all, SysOps sit and twiddle their thumbs
waiting on something to do, and should be GRATEFUL that they get ANY
uploads, EVER! They also refuse to upload documentation. (It is
crutch for weak minds and the hallmark of the Geek.)
* Twits SUFFER if there are no "NEW" files on the system. There may be
a correlation between "NEW" files and Twits, much as there is one
which exists between dog-excrement and flies. The only difference is
that flies usually leave after eating their fill. Twits don't.
* Twits desperately NEED to become Remote-Sysops. They KNOW that
EVERYONE else on the system has SysOp capabilities, and don't want to
be excluded from all the fun! (Are all Twits created equal?)
* Twits think that the "Caps Lock" key must be activated in order to
properly leave a message on a board. They think that their message
is of such great importance that it must be screamed at everyone.
* Occasionally an above average Twit who discovers that modeming can be
a two way street will attempt to get around upload\download ratios by
renaming the same program fifteen or twenty times and using it to
fill the sysop's hard disk with redundant programs. After all, rules
were meant to be broken, right?
Author Unknown : 02-10-91
Note: The original format of this file has been modified to fit the
format of F.U.C.K.
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= Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, etc etc... =
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