=   F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K.   =

                            Convoluted Rants

Date: 1:11 am  Sat Aug 31, 1996

posted less than two hours ago but my mind is screaming.

i find it ever so amazing how much goes through your mind while you are 
driving. tonight's music, Tori again. this was different though, in a way
that surprised me. i don't have a good stereo in the car, only at home,
but as i played the tape, i found myself almost jumping as if someone
had startled me each time the bass resounded.

"Looking for a savior, in these dirty streets"

one passage caught my mind this time. since i was a block from the apartment, 
I shut the stereo off after that one sentence. i think everyone is well 
aquainted with my views on religion and my contempt for christianity among 
other religions. after that sentence, i wondered to myself if there was a 
savior out there... someone that could truly understand me. i think that is 
the only way i would be saved by any means.. save me from my own mind. i sin. 
all my friends know it, hell, everyone knows it. if anyone makes a big deal 
out of it they are naive. everyone sins.

i admit it. i have no problem with the morals. i take full responsibility for 
my actions and don't attempt to blame them on others. i do however blame my 
reasons for other's actions.

i am a slave to my pager and cellphone. anyone can reach me at any time. its 
to the point if i don't call someone back within three or four minutes, they 
take it personal, or question what i was doing. where do they get the 
impression they are that important? i have been giving my time and attention 
for a year like that, always answering the page, always calling back. there 
are some people i know that answer less than 10% of my pages for various 
reasons. that same person thinks i wish them dead if i don't return their
page in one minute flat.

i think tomorrow i will turn my pager off, turn the cell off, and keep myself 
connected to the net all day. or unplug all the phones. maybe take a bottle
of something and wonder down to the creek and just sit there. think about
it, and how nice it would be... to do nothing. to sit there, breathe the
fresh air, look at the stream flowing, drowning yourself in a bottle. no
one can reach you unless they take the time to find you. sounds like a plan.

of course, i have other plans to work that one around. return computer parts 
in the morning, install linux, movie late tomorrow night.

i want no obligations in life as far as friends go. i want unconditional 
friends that will put up with me. some of my friends have done that for the 
past six months. now, i want them to put up with me for my actions, not me 
responding to someone else's desires.

thinking back to my previous posts, i should probably extract them as some 
form of diary. some log of my sorrow, confusion, happiness, and anger. 
anything to remind me that i am alive.

big things are happening in the future. really neat stuff. when it surfaces i 
will talk about it, but can't until then. they say money burns holes in your 
pocket. wonder how secrets would compare.. they burn a hole in your soul i 
think. something much deeper and more primitive.

"and the pain lingers on"

_The Wall_, watching the movie right now.  i watch it at least every 6 months 
now. its to the point i am comfortable with the movie and music. i grew up 
listening to it, watching it, reading it. it brings back faded half visions
of memory. "goodbye blue sky" is a good representation of where i am heading
i think. if work and stress doesn't consume me, my inner turmoil will.

its nice to vent like this, but i don't want to give the impression that I am 
looking for anything. i don't want help. i certainly don't want sympathy, and 
the last thing i want to do is give guilt to anyone. even if i were to give 
guilt, they wouldn't be reading this.

so what do i want. something grand. something that strikes out and makes 
people understand. i want everyone to understand something though, not just a 
handful. don't even know what i want them to understand, just that I do want 
them to understand. who knows, maybe i will be the prophet i seek. i doubt it 
though, just takes too much and i don't know if i have that to give right

chaos is certainly neat.



Date: 2:26 am  Sun Aug 25, 1996     

my night. my fuckin night. or my morning given the time.
there are days that just scream out at you that life sucks and 
things are never destined to go right.
destiny hates me.
hurt is common in my life now. its like a shirt though, wear 
it, everyone sees it, but no one says anything because they 
see it so much.
either sleep or rage is taking over my mind. i want to sleep 
for a day or kill someone right now. both would be kinda 
enjoyable i guess. sleep will win again i bet.. when sleep 
fights with something else, it wins because i don't have 
energy to do the other.

Date: unknown

Now, I can do that. Near my apartment is a nature preserve, with a nice
slow moving stream going through it. The way it sits down in some trees
in a grove gives you a near perfect escape (ie: can't see anything
manmade). You can hear cars, see a few lights, etc, but it is so damn
nice. I go down there sometimes and just wade in the cold water.

Unfortunately, long ago I spent time with a really good friend (femme of
course), and we never really dated, but we knew each other real well...
and I spent time with her there. So, I kinda have regrets going down
there because I kinda miss having someone to talk to and confess my sins
to. (yes, i'm a sinner).


Date: 1:28 am  Thu Aug 29, 1996  

secrets are cool. until you have no one to share them with. then they eat you 
up. they consume you. they burn you from the inside. i hate being the keeper 
of secrets sometimes. i use to be the one to confess your sins to. now, most 
don't, but old stuff still haunts me.

setec astronomy


Date: 12:55 am  Sat Aug 31, 1996     

why do ex-friends think they can run my life? why do they even have the
audacity to even fucking try to do so? don't they understand it is
easier to shoot them than talk to them? 

hey you.. all alone sitting cold, can you hear me?


Date: unknown

guilt is for amateurs



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