Dear Habanero,
It has been about 5 years since we first met. Our relationship started as many do, some brief flirting, followed by a romantic attraction. It quickly got intense, and we'd meet more than perhaps we should have. It was all smiles and happiness at first. I'll admit, in the early days, I flirted with others: Serrano, Cayenne, even a brief but intense run-in with the infamous "Ghost Pepper", but you were the sweet spot, and I kept coming back. You were hot, but not so hot that you'd drown out flavors. You made me laugh, cry, and sweat profusely, as a good lover should. We had ups, and downs, but mostly ups. You were rare, but not so rare that I couldn't find you if I needed you; essentially, you were always there when I needed you most.
At first, I could take you on with no help whatsoever. The passion between us was intense. Over time though, I began to need help to take you. It started with water, the sweet sweet lubricant of life, then I needed blue cheese sauce, then ranch, and finally, I required all the aformentioned plus milk.
In the early days I could spend a night with you, and wake up smiling. After awhile, I started feeling a bit queasy some time after you. As of late, 20 minutes after having you, I feel unpleasant, and 8 hours after having you, I'm having anal contractions, and feeling your bitter sting as potent coming out as it was going in.
When it was all hot, heavy, roses, and smiles, I craved and needed you. When it was hot, heavy, and followed by mild but tolerable discomfort, I still wanted you. But now, when I sit here, trying to apply milk and blue cheese to my anus, I loathe you.
Time has changed me. You are still the fiery lover that teased my senses five years ago, but now my digestive system has aged, and the years of romance between us has stripped away any protective lining my colon ever knew.
I want you to know that I'll never forget you. We've gone high and low together, through good times and bad, and I've had some of the most intense and emotional experiences of my life with you. But I've also known few greater pains than that of expelling you lately. And with that, I bid you farewell.
Adieu my love, adieu.
d2d