From: Bob Dehnhardt (bobdehn@gmail.com)
To: apacid@attrition.org, jericho@attrition.org, comega@attrition.org
Date: Thu, 18 Oct 2007 17:01:02 -0700
Subject: Postal Haiku

Okay, usually you guys rock my world (figuratively speaking, of course). But
you lame attempts at Going Postal haiku (http://attrition.org/postal/z/036/1048.html)

First of all, they weren't even haiku. Per Wiki:

The traditional haiku consisted of a pattern of 5, 7, 5 "on". The Japanese
word "on", meaning "sound", corresponds to a "mora", a phonetic unit similar
but not identical to the syllable of a language such as English.... Haiku
usually combine three different lines, with a distinct grammatical break,
called kireji, usually placed at the end of either the first five or second
seven morae.

Your first attempt (can't call it a poem, just can't) was four lines in an
8-5-6-5 pattern; the second was four lines (again) in a 3-5-5-3 pattern.
Admittedly, you didn't have much to work with, but you could have done
better.

I humbly submit the following as examples of TRUE Postal Haiku:

Please crack this address
joeblow at hotmail dot com
I do not trust him

I want to cancel
my trial account right now
no more AOL

You guys really suck
Take my email off right now
Pretty pretty please?

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
that is all lyger can say
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

this guy is funny
he should have an attrition
email address now

Okay, I'd even say that last one was lame....

 - Bob




From: lyger (lyger@attrition.org)
To: security curmudgeon (jericho@attrition.org)
Date: Fri, 19 Oct 2007 01:39:29 +0000 (UTC)
Subject: Re: Postal Haiku (fwd)


i thought that was part of the charm!

yes, i counted the fuckers...  5-7-5 they were not

so...

what the fuck, we suck?
who does better at haiku
not us, now we suck

postal once was fun
but then we made a b00-b00
haiku critics up our ass

apacid failed bad
for that i take all the blame
his dick, my ass, bad

feel free to forward




From: Apathetic Lucidity (apacid@attrition.org)
To: Bob Dehnhardt (bobdehn@gmail.com)
Cc: jericho@attrition.org, comega@attrition.org
Date: Sun, 21 Oct 2007 14:05:51 +0000 (UTC)
Subject: Re: Postal Haiku

Since you're the second chimp to whine about an obvious parody (or perhaps the same one? 
I didn't check...) let me explain.

Those "poems" were not meant to be correct or true, and you have missed the entire point 
that they were just made up of selected words from genuine postal emails.  The idea was 
to summarize the idiocy of the email in just a few lines, while also following the actual 
order of words as sent.

So with that in mind, let me just say:

Okay you rock
but lame haiku
attempt in pattern
could done better

To prevent further misunderstanding, I now declare that Going Postal Haiku is a style in 
its own right, and has nothing whatsoever to do with "haiku", except for the fact that words 
are used.  Kind of like "Burger King" has nothing to do with a "real" king.  Attrition.org 
reserves all rights to this new style, and we expect significant royalties from anyone who 
does anything remotely similar.  In fact, if you even -think- about Going Postal Haiku, you
owe us a dollar.

There...now you can remove the splinters from your sphincter and get on with your life.

Have a nice day.

a.l.




From: Bob Dehnhardt (bobdehn@gmail.com)
To: Apathetic Lucidity (apacid@attrition.org)
Cc: jericho@attrition.org, comega@attrition.org
Date: Sun, 21 Oct 2007 13:18:56 -0700
Subject: Re: Postal Haiku


In reference to the fine attached email,
You point out that is was a parody.
As was my own, but this is growing stale;
It will suffice to say that I agree.

But our opinions quickly do diverge
When you imply that I owe you a buck.
I shall restrain my somewhat profane urge,
And simply say "My friend, you're out of luck."

But payment's called for on the balance sheet.
You shall be recompensed, please have no fear:
At Defcon next, should we perchance to meet,
I will most gladly purchase you a beer.

In closing, though you curse me as you might,
Attrition shall remain my favorite site.


On 10/21/07, Apathetic Lucidity  wrote:
>
> Since you're the second chimp to whine about an obvious parody (or perhaps
> the same one? I didn't check...) let me explain.
>
> Those "poems" were not meant to be correct or true, and you have missed
> the entire point that they were just made up of selected words from
> genuine postal emails.  The idea was to summarize the idiocy of the email
> in just a few lines, while also following the actual order of words as
> sent.
>
> So with that in mind, let me just say:
>
> Okay you rock
> but lame haiku
> attempt in pattern
> could done better
>
>
> To prevent further misunderstanding, I now declare that Going Postal Haiku
> is a style in its own right, and has nothing whatsoever to do with
> "haiku", except for the fact that words are used.  Kind of like "Burger
> King" has nothing to do with a "real" king.  Attrition.org reserves all
> rights to this new style, and we expect significant royalties from anyone
> who does anything remotely similar.  In fact, if you even -think- about
> Going Postal Haiku, you owe us a dollar.




From: security curmudgeon (jericho@attrition.org)
To: Bob Dehnhardt (bobdehn@gmail.com)
Cc: Apathetic Lucidity (apacid@attrition.org), Cancer Omega (comega@attrition.org), 
    lyger (lyger@attrition.org)
Date: Sun, 21 Oct 2007 20:43:22 +0000 (UTC)
Subject: Re: Postal Haiku


On Sun, 21 Oct 2007, Bob Dehnhardt wrote:

: In reference to the fine attached email,
: You point out that is was a parody.
: As was my own, but this is growing stale;
: It will suffice to say that I agree.
:
: But our opinions quickly do diverge
: When you imply that I owe you a buck.
: I shall restrain my somewhat profane urge,
: And simply say "My friend, you're out of luck."
:
: But payment's called for on the balance sheet.
: You shall be recompensed, please have no fear:
: At Defcon next, should we perchance to meet,
: I will most gladly purchase you a beer.
:
: In closing, though you curse me as you might,
: Attrition shall remain my favorite site.

why must you forget
to include lyger on this
i'll skull fuck you all




From: lyger (lyger@attrition.org)
To: security curmudgeon (jericho@attrition.org)
Cc: Bob Dehnhardt (bobdehn@gmail.com), Apathetic Lucidity (apacid@attrition.org), 
    Cancer Omega (comega@attrition.org)
Date: Sun, 21 Oct 2007 20:49:05 +0000 (UTC)
Subject: Re: Postal Haiku


On Sun, 21 Oct 2007, security curmudgeon wrote:

": "
": "
": " why must you forget
": " to include lyger on this
": " i'll skull fuck you all


i saw the first mail
fuckers always leave me out
eye sockets bleeding




From: Bob Dehnhardt (bobdehn@gmail.com)
To: lyger (lyger@attrition.org)
Cc: security curmudgeon (jericho@attrition.org), Apathetic Lucidity (apacid@attrition.org), 
    Cancer Omega (comega@attrition.org)
Date: Sun, 21 Oct 2007 14:24:49 -0700
Subject: Re: Postal Haiku


On 10/21/07, lyger (lyger@attrition.org) wrote:
>
>
> i saw the first mail
> fuckers always leave me out
> eye sockets bleeding

Lyger's a lascivious fuck
with an asshole the size of a truck.
But I like the old queer,
So I'll buy him a beer,
But for skull sex, he's plumb out of luck.




From: lyger (lyger@attrition.org)
To: Bob Dehnhardt (bobdehn@gmail.com)
Cc: security curmudgeon (jericho@attrition.org), Apathetic Lucidity (apacid@attrition.org), 
    Cancer Omega (comega@attrition.org)
Date: Sun, 21 Oct 2007 21:30:59 +0000 (UTC)
Subject: Re: Postal Haiku



On Sun, 21 Oct 2007, Bob Dehnhardt wrote:

": " Lyger's a lascivious fuck
": " with an asshole the size of a truck.


* g o a t s e x * g o a t s e x * g o a t s e x *
g                                               g
o /     \             \            /    \       o
a|       |             \          |      |      a
t|       `.             |         |       :     t
s`        |             |        \|       |     s
e \       | /       /  \\\   --__ \\       :    e
x  \      \/   _--~~          ~--__| \     |    x
*   \      \_-~                    ~-_\    |    *
g    \_     \        _.--------.______\|   |    g
o      \     \______// _ ___ _ (_(__>  \   |    o
a       \   .  C ___)  ______ (_(____>  |  /    a
t       /\ |   C ____)/      \ (_____>  |_/     t
s      / /\|   C_____)       |  (___>   /  \    s
e     |   (   _C_____)\______/  // _/ /     \   e
x     |    \  |__   \\_________// (__/       |  x
*    | \    \____)   `----   --'             |  *
g    |  \_          ___\       /_          _/ | g
o   |              /    |     |  \            | o
a   |             |    /       \  \           | a
t   |          / /    |         |  \           |t
s   |         / /      \__/\___/    |          |s
e  |         / /        |    |       |         |e
x  |          |         |    |       |         |x
* g o a t s e x * g o a t s e x * g o a t s e x *



": " But I like the old queer,
": " So I'll buy him a beer,


JUST ONE, YOU CHEAP FUCK?  GODDAMMIT!


": " But for skull sex, he's plumb out of luck.

my sockets are all reserved for malvu, sir.  plus, jericho already has
dibs.  UNF.




From: Bob Dehnhardt (bobdehn@gmail.com)
To: lyger (lyger@attrition.org)
Cc: security curmudgeon (jericho@attrition.org), Apathetic Lucidity (apacid@attrition.org), 
    Cancer Omega (comega@attrition.org)
Date: Mon, 22 Oct 2007 09:29:11 -0700
Subject: Re: Postal Haiku


One beer to loosen him,
One beer to bind him,
One beer to bend him o'er
As I lube myself behind him.

So that's three. See? I'm not a cheap fuck after all.




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