The Buy Lyger a New Fucking Mattress Fund

Lyger is an staff member. Like many staff members, he occasionally sleeps. The duration of sleep varies greatly, though tends to be lower than average. Unfortunately for Lyger, he is forced to sleep on this 20 year old flea-infested semen sponge every night:

I wouldn't let my neighbor's cat sleep on something like this, but somehow we've allowed our beloved staff member to writhe in this pile for clearly 10 years too long. In fact, if I knew something like this was on my block, I'd move. Looking at this picture gives the rest of us nightmares, and somehow he is forced to actually lie down on this thing. We'd opt for the bathtub first -- in a cheap mexican brothel.

I suspect the only thing holding that mattress together is 20 years of dander, sweat, blood, and other substances all conglomerated together in some rigid, fear inducing substance, more terrifying than Mike your bedroom...with a priapism. He tried to donate it to goodwill, but they wouldn't have it. In these hard economic times, he tried storing cash in it, but the bugs said, "No Room!".

Sleeping on something like this has very negative consequences. There are odd sores, not unlike burns, probably the result of whatever microscopic organism is living in there (note to scientists: if you can haul it, you can have it. Any new species discovered, reserves the naming rights for). These sores require regular attention, taking away from time that Lyger could be doing shit for Jericho. The sleep is also interrupted frequently by strange wave-like motions generated from whatever the hell is breeding inside the thing.

BUT YOU CAN HELP. For just pennies a day, you can help us improve the quality of life of just one staff member. Your generosity could mean the difference between a healthy Lyger or a sick Lyger, and potentially mankind when we discover the cure for cancer is some unknown organism that has thrived in the 'mystery soup' that is Lyger's mattress for god knows how long. Proceeds will go to a hazmat removal team, shipment to a lab, and a new, bug free mattress.

Email staff AT today for ways you can contribute to this worthy cause. Or use the donate link below.


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