Can I be a hacker?
Wed May 30 06:39:01 MDT 2001

After carefully searching through Attrition's endless amount of information, I was finally able to develop a comprehensive criteria for who, exactly, can be a hacker. Here's what I got. (Hope it's worth a chuckle.)

"Can I be a hacker?"

No, you cannot be a hacker because:

You are too immature. You wish only to hack to gain prestige and attention. You would inevitably get into trouble by hacking systems that were way over your head.

You have no real curiosity. You will never push your own boundaries. You are far too timid to ever test your limits by hacking a complicated system that you don't understand.

You do not understand enough about computers and networks. No real hacker ever asks questions about anything -- they just -know- it. Every true hacker is issued a Shell account when they are given a birth certificate.

You do not ask enough questions. No one ever became a hacker without asking questions. You can't figure everything out yourself.

You are too social. Everyone knows that a hacker has no life and no friends. If you have ever even wistfully glanced out your window while programming you are not dedicated enough to be a hacker.

You are too antisocial. You will never learn anything if you don't associate constantly with other hackers.

You are too impatient. A hacker-to-be must slowly work his way up through the various levels till he is technically elite.

You are too patient. Every real hacker pushes his way to the top without any regard for hierarchy or his elders.

You have the wrong vocabulary. If you use words like "k-rad" and "elite" or spell words using numbers and symbols you are nothing but a poser. No real hacker ever does that.

You have the wrong vocabulary. If you don't use words like "k-rad" and "elite" or spell words using numbers and symbols you are nothing but a poser. Every real hacker does that.

You have no ethics. A hacker must always adhere to the proper code and never do anything malicious. A hacker is interested in information, not destruction.

You are too ethical. You have to understand that hackers are allowed to break the law because they know how to do something that no one else does. Being malicious and destructive is fine because it teaches powerful corporations (who deserve it) a lesson.

You use a dial-up service and a 300 MHz computer. Dial-up modems are from the technological Stone Age. A hacker always has cutting edge gear.

You use broadband and a 1.7 GHz computer. Every real hacker does their work easily with a rebuilt Atari 2600 and string tied between two cans.

You are too young. Hackers have spent years mastering their craft. They have decades of experience behind them. Most real "hackers" do their work from retirement homes. If you didn't learn to hack using vacuum tubes, you're too late.

You are too old. Hackers all begin their training at about the age of three. When they learn their ABCs, most stop at C and actually learn C. If you were unable to gain top-level access to NORAD with only a touchtone phone at the age of five, you are too old to ever be a hacker.

You used Windows. If you ever used Windows, even once, you are a puppet of Bill Gates and can never be a hacker, ever.

You don't even understand what a hacker really is, do you?

So, to answer your question, no, you most certainly cannot be a hacker. In fact, no one can be a hacker ever again.

bodhi (who is most certainly not a hacker)