This is the ATTRITION humor page. Some material on here will offend you. This is your only warning. If this isn't acceptable, please think CLEAN thoughts now.

ATTRITION on X-MAS: The staff here would like to give you this x-mas greeting even though most of us do not celebrate the holiday. The simple fact that x-mas inflation is going up so quickly is a big turn off. Besides, it has been proven that Santa doesn't exist. Even if he DID exist, you should know that Santa is a felon! While you cope with this fact, we're still deciding if we are consultants or prostitutes. One thing is for sure, we are creatures of night.

We've always been fond of different methods used to compare and contrast Operating Systems and programming languages. In the past we've seen OS's equated with beer and chickens. By far, the best is comparing programming languages with shooting yourself in the foot. One of the better analogies for programmers is the classic "If architects had to work like programmers." Or better yet, a comparison between programmers and dealers. One of our all time favorites that rings so true is 'What if people bought cars like they bought computers?' And we should all bitch at programmers for not writing viruses like these.

Boy do we love federal agencies! You name the TLA, and I bet we love them. So much in fact, we have to give tribute to some our favorites! The FBI a.k.a Federal Bureau of Incompetancy would rank high on our list. Why you ask? Lets look at how out of touch the FBI really are! If you don't like them, there is always the CIA a.k.a Cocaine Import Agency. In case those don't sit well, we have a general non-descript government joke too.

Everyone digs a Top 10 list, and we are no exception. Some of our favorites crossing our inboxes are:

The Top 10 Things You Don't Want To Hear From Tech Support
The Top 10 Signs Your Coworker Is a Computer Hacker
The Top Ten Things Not To Say To A Cop When Your Pulled Over
The Top Ten Sexy Lines From Star Wars
Top 10 reasons why Beer is better than Religion
Top 10 things any (wo)man would NEVER say
Top 12 things to say to get out of jury duty
10 Rules for Dating my Daugther

Humor can also answer those age old questions we ponder over beer. For example, which came first, the chicken or the egg?. The only true beer to drink (or ponder over) is Guinness.

Tech support brings on tales of horror and mayhem. No exceptions here! Rather than 'Bob' (the weenie) giving you tech support, imagine if Ray Nietzsche did it. Better yet, for you sadistic fuckers out there, we found the ultimate tech support call for you. If you think these are far-fetched, think again! Look at some examples of REAL tech support calls from the past.

A few other topics we can cover is the incredible discovery that Gilligan's Island is actually a direct representation of the seven deadly sins. Better yet, how about a little love for those endangered species out there?

Ever notice how extremist yuppies are? These are the kind that don't do work and lead you to ask who's left to do the work. This in turn leads you to despise days like Valentine's Day.

Rather than bore you with classic lawyer jokes, we can share some much better legal humor, some almost serious. Before you go spouting ancient and cryptic law, consider how it could bite you in the ass. But, some ancient law may be just what you need to get rich.

People love to use analogies for the Internet for some reason, calling it the Information Superhighway. While that may be an appropriate analogy, we haven't found a good description until now. Also, be sure to log off while the Internet experiences down time again this year.

Take this test and I bet you will call yourself a pervert. Don't ask me how, but this file on memory and amnesia just seems to fit in this section.

Guys, ever been shot down? Hopefully not as bad as these. Simpsons fan? We dig those chalkboard messages Bart so loves to write.

For those travelling, the airport can provide hours of amusement.

That's all for now.. until more comes in or you realize merger hell is upon us... try to imagine the perfect day. Speaking of hell, have you ever wondered if it was endothermic or exothermic? On that note, we could always crack a joke or two about God. A list of reasons why God couldn't receive a PHD is most amusing.

And other misc humor:

Best of the Chauvinist jokes (sent in by a female!)
Lessons I've Learned
Interview after Abduction