I'm Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I like big cars, big beers and big tits. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies. I don't care about appearing compassionate. I think playing with guns doesn't make you a killer. I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason. I think I'm better than the homeless. I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. I don't care if you call me a racist, a homophobe or a misogynist. I am not tolerant of others because they are different. I know that no matter how big Jennifer Lopez's ass gets, I'll still want to see it. I don't celebrate Kwanzaa. I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you do it in English. I like my porn without silicon. I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions. I think getting a blowjob is sex, and every man is entitled to at least one extremely sloppy one per month. I know what the definition lying of is. I didn't take the initiative in inventing the Internet. I didn't think the Taco Bell dog was funny. I want them to bring back safe and sane fireworks. I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang. I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. I don't want to eat or drink anything with the words light, lite or fat-free on the package. I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, and they can do it in their schools. I think the Clippers should play in the WNBA. My heroes are Newt Gingrich, John Wayne, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan and whoever canceled "Murder She Wrote". I think creative violence and useless nudity and sex makes movies more interesting. I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know wrestling is fake, and I don't think The Rock could kick my ass. I think global warming is junk science. I've never owned or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, haven't floundered forty years after deserting Cuba. I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut-the-f***-up already. Laurel & Hardy and The Three Stooges still makes me laugh. I think you can respect and admire women while mentally undressing them. I believe a self-righteous liberal with a cause is more dangerous than a Play Station. I want to know which church is it exactly, where the Rev. Jessie Jackson preaches. I don't care where Ellen puts her tongue. I think explosions are cool. I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I worry about dying before I get even. I like the convenience of buying oranges while I'm waiting at a stop-light, and I'm pretty sure the Latin midget selling them to me is glad she no longer lives in a refrigerator packing carton outside Little Havana. I think turkey bacon sucks. I want somebody to explain to me exactly why it's wrong to point out that when I watch a freeway chase, I know the losers the police eventually pull out of the car are gonna be gang-banging hommies. I think tattoos and piercings are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. I like hard women, hard liquor and a hard bowel movement first thing in the morning. I believe you don't have to speak with a lisp to pick out a couch for your living room. I'll admit that the only movies that ever made me cry was Sands of Iwo Jima and Ole Yeller. I will not conform or compromise just to keep from hurting somebody's feelings. Sometimes I throw my beer can in the trash, even when the recycle bin is just a few more steps away. Making love is fine, but sometimes I just wanna get laid. I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise. Yes, I'm a bad American.