GameFan Is the Cure to All of Life's Problems
   

3-27-2000
 

Jeff K.'s weekly column, appropriately entitled "Ask Jeff K.", deals with all the issues that affect hardcore gamers and l33t haX0rs out there. If you have a question you'd like to ask, feel free to email it in. Every letter printed here is in fact real and has actually been sent to Jeff; not a single email has been fabricated or created by the staff.

Let me repeat that again for the sake of emphasis: All of these emails have really been submitted to Jeff K. by real people and have NOT been made up or forged in any way.

 
 

gues what guess what guess what?!?! KLast night i saw "CLASH OF TEH TITANS" and it was a vary excellant movie, probaly one of teh best filems i have seen since "SPEED 2". there was medusas and unicrons and a Kracklen, and herculees, and arrow and it was a vary quality film but there was teh best thing too: A CYCLOPS! Cyclops are teh best creeatares in mythology (that is anciant cultare), and i want to be a syclops one day so I will write this column like a cyclopes this week AND MAEYBE I will be a cyclopes soon but i haev to finish some hoemwork first, stupid cshcool>

ON WITH THA LETTARS NOW, STUPID HUMANS!!!!1

From: Fjord Redd
Subject: ID Software

Dear Jeff-

I was just wondering, exactly how many times were you dropped repeatedly on your head as a child? If you ever actually thought you're chances of getting a job with ID Software was greater than that of a toaster learning to fly, you're wrong. I hope someday, a MacDonalds manager takes pity on you and lifts you off the streets to earn minimum wage.

RAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

CYCLOPES DONT CARE NONE ABOUT NOne FLYING TOASTARS BECUASE SCREENSAVERS ARE FOR FAGOTs MORTAL BEAINGS!!! ME NOT CARE ABOUT FJORD REDD EITHER, FOR IT SI APPARENTLY OBVIOUS HE IS A TINY LITTLE FRUITY FAGOT WHO I SHALL STEP ON WITTH MY SANDALS I BOUGHT FROM A FINNISH SHOPKEEPAR WITH TEH MONEYS I GOT FROM SQUISHING FAGOTS AT THE MOUNTAIANS YESTARDAY!!!


HELLO FGJORED READ, MISTAR FAGOT IN PRISON. I WILL HELP YUO MAKE BAIL! HAHAHAHA NO I WONT, THERE IS A "THREE STRIKES" RULE NOW SORREY

TO ANSWAR YUOR QUESTION, MISTAR RED FORD, ID SOFTWAREZ HAS OFFARED ME A MANY JOBS BUT I WAS TO BIG TO FIT IN THERE OFFICES BECAUSE I AM A CYCLOPES AND RAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRR I PICKED UP JOHN CARMACKE AND BIT HIS HEAD OFF AND IT TASTELED LIKE CHOCLATE!!@ CHOCOLATE FAGOTS, HA HA. RAAAWWR!!!@$, GO BACK TO PROGRAMMING YUOR ENGINE MISTAR CARAMACKE AND I WILL NOT STEP ON YUOR VARY EXPENSIVE PRITTY CARS NOW OKEY?

From: Shawn-Paul
Subject: Fan Club/Zombie Issues

Hey Jeff, I was wondering if it would be all right to start a fan-club based around you and your website. We could make pins that say "Jeff K is a L33T HaxOr" and wear them to strip bars, and then maybe the strippers will say, "You're right, Jeff is a R33T HaxOr", and then they would come to your house. I know at least eight hundred people in my school alone who want a fan club for you. Also, you recently advised my friend that he should in fact NOT kill me, so that I could become a zombie. I plead that you re-think your advice and allow him to make me into the undead.

RAWWRARARRARRARRRRRRRRR!!!!!1

YES YUO MAY MAKE A WEBPAEG TO WORSHIP JEFF K TEH CYCLOPES WHO IS 40 FEET TALLS AND SHOTS FIRES LASARS FROM HIS EYE WHICH DOES NOT CAUSE DISORIENtATION OR LOSS OPF DEPTH PERCEPTAIN UNLIKE WHAT COMMAN MEDICAL THEORY DICTATES!!!! JEFF K> TEH CLCYCLOPS DEMANDS YUO APPEESE HIM WITH YUOR FAN CLUB AND THEN THE GODS WILL NOT SMITE YUO WITH POWARS OF TEH 100000 PLAGUES:! HERE ARE WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO YUO IF A FAN CLUB IS NOT ERACTED HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA EREACTED IN MY HONTOR:

1) PLAGUES OF YOADAS IN A NEST!! THES WILL FALL FROM TEH HEAVANS AND SMITE YUOR HEADS WITH POWARS OF THE UNHOLEY POWAR THEN WHEN YUO TRY TO GO FISHING IT WILL NOT WORK BECUASE YOADS IN A NEST WILL SMITE YOUR BAIT TOO! SO NO FISHING!! SMITE SMITE SMITE

2) AND LO, GOTH FAGOTS SHALL DESCEND FROM TEH HELL AND MAKE YUO LISTAN TO ROBERT SMITH WHINE AND SINGS "THE LOVECATS" all niGHT!!! THEY SHALL BE LED BY THEIR GOD, CHUCKLES McZIGGYKINS 666 HAPPY LOVE DOCTOR SEXY MAN GOTH HEROE WHO WILL GO ON A HUMPING RAMPAGE AND YOUR LEG SHALL BE VICTAM NUMBAR ONE!!! AND HIS SEMEN IS PROBALY ACID TO!

3) RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRR I DONT NEED A NUMBAR THREE I AM A PSYCLOPS!!! AND SYCPLOPTS MEANS "ONE" IN HEBREW SO I ONLY NEED ONE!

From: chi[punkr]
Subject: (no subject)

Uhhh...wtf? Art thou human? You asked for a job and misspelled words in the same sentence? omg, and you call yourself 31337!?!?! MUAAHAHAH! I laugh at you! You suck. Your a miserable piece of poser. You play computer games and I bet all my cash you use windows. Your SOOOOOOOOOOO elite man! What a disgrace. Get a life boy! Stop trying to look cool and give some credit to the real hackers out there making the internet free. The real hackers who stay up for days at a time coding so that people can be safer on the internet from script kiddies like you. Take your pokemon picaboo's and go f00k yers3lf!@

RAWWWWRWRRRRRR YUOR LETTAR DISPLIEASES ME GREATLY! ARE YUO JERKOSCILEESE, THE GOD OF STUPID??? PLES SUMMON YUOR POWERS OF STUPID AND MAKE TEH WORALD A BETTAR PLACE FOR TEH CHILDREN, JERKOSCILEESE, INSTEAD OF WRITING YUOR STUPID SMARTY MAN EMALE TOO ME MISTAR *REAL* HAXOR! JEFF K NEEDS A SPECIAL KEYBAORDS TO TYPE ON BECAUSE MY FINGARS ARE TEH SIZE OF TREE TRUNKS AND THE S KEY IS 50000 FEET WIDES! SEE< WATCH:

S

HA HA HA! FOR A SMARTY MAN, YUO SHOULD MAEYBE KNOW THAT PERHAPS YUO ARE NOT TEH ROBOT FROM RISE OF TEH TRIAD BUT YOU ARE INDEED A STUPID GOOMBAH (AS A CRUEL TWIST OF FATE). LOOK AND THIS WQUOTE FROM YUO WHICH MAKES JEFF K TEH CYCLOPS VARY ANGRY:

Stop trying to look cool and give some credit to the real hackers out there making the internet free

TEH INTARNET IS NOT FREE STUPID, IT COSTS MONEY TO BUY NET NANNY DUHHHHHHH AND OAOL IS 21.99 FOR TEH UNLIMITED PLAN WHICH I USE BECAUSE CYCLOPSES ARE ON THEN INTARNET A LOT www.CYLCOPS.com ALTHOUGH THAT WEBSITE APEARS TO BE AIMED AT FAGOTS SO I SHAL NOT GRACE IT WITH MY PRESENTS CURREANTLY!!!

ALL HAIL TEH MIGHTY JERKOSCILEESE, KING OF PLASTIC HUMMPING MACHINARY

From: Anonymous
Subject: Tough Love?

Dear JeffK,

I have a problem and I don't know where to turn. I suspect that my charcter in EverQuest, whom will remain anonymous, is a closet alcholic. He denies it but I see through his lies. Sometimes when I enter the game, my character is camped in another place from where I last saw him (Usually some dark Pub) and when I ask him about it he just scoffs and tells me to mind my own business and buy him food and water, bitch. I am frightened by his new quick temper and fear one day he may not wake up at all!! I think he has already began selling his clothing for booze since 2 nights ago I logged in and he was missing some unassuming items. Oh sure, he blamed it on a bug but I see through his lies again especially that unmistakable odor of cheap Elvish Wine on his breath. Help me Jeff, what should I do?

I CARE NOT ABOUT YUOR PETTY AFAIRES! I AM A CYCLOPS AND WEAR A SILLY HAT ! I AM SOMETIMES A SEAFURBY CYCLOPS ON TEH COASTS AND SOMETIMES I AM A NORMAL CYCLOPS (BUT NOT DROON)! ONE DAY I WILL SEE YUO AND SMASH YOU LIKE THE STUPID HUMAN YUOR ARE AND YOU CANT ROOT ME BECAUSE I HAVE A VARY HIGH SPELL RESITS. WHAT IS HIS ALCOHOL TOLERANCE LLVL??? I ONCE DRANK SOME OF MY DADS BEER AND GOT SOOOOO DRUNK BECAUSE HE BUYS TEH FANCY, IMPORTAED BEER WHICH IS BETTAR THAN AMAERICAN BEER IT IS NAMED "O'DOULS" AND YUO GET DRUNJK VARY FAST OFF IT

From: X
Subject: Games

Jeff, I was really confused and scared and I didn't know what to do, so I decided I should ask you...

Which game is better: EverQuest, Ultima Online, or Asheron's Call? What is the difference? I don't know what to buy!

LUNIX TORLVALVADES CREATED LUNIX HE IS A GENIUS BUT HAS TWO EYES, NOT A CYCLOPS LIKE ME, SO PERHAPS I AM BETTAR OFF. HERE IS SOMETHING TO HELP YIOU OUT:

EVERQUEST: LOTS OF PSYCOLPS, IT SI TEH FEELGOOD EXPERIANCE OF THE YeAR

ULTIMA ONLINE: IS VARY HAX0R FRIENDLY< MAEYBE YUO SHOULD PALAY THAT AND HAXoR A CYCLOPS TO FOLLOW YUO, ALTHOUGH HE MAY STILL SMASH YOU BECUASE WE ARE LOOSE CANONS

ASHERON'S CALL: MICOORSOFT PRODUCT, SORELY LACKING IN QUALEITY. NO CYCLOPS PROBALY. PLAY THIS IF YUO WANT TO BE KNOWN AS A STUPID. USES VOxaLS I THINK

From: d-job
Subject: a some what, semi-not really important question

Hello, 1st I would like to say I like the colum (very funny). Any how about the question. Who do you think is better looking Jane or Judy Jetson?

THE OLDAR THE MEAT, TEH SWEETER HER TEET. SINCE I AM VARY TALL AND CYCLOPSIAN, I PREFER TEH ROBOT WHATEVER HER NAME WAS< TEH MAID CLEANING ROBOT I THINK SHE WAS NAMED "BITCHY BETTEY" OR SOMETHINGS SIMILAR. RAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRR CYCLOPS HAEV PROPORTIANOALLY LARGE TESTICALS!

From: Belzemos # 2418-B
Subject: (no subject)

I just got done reading through your web page. (well, trying to read it anyway) Let me just say this, rent a brain. I've never seen such a ridiculous page in my entire life. Throughout the entire page you say how you are so much better than everyone else, yet you can't seem to spell, or type anything right. In my opinion you're one of those people who has such a low self esteem, that all they can do it cut other people down. I've not seen one thing one this page that makes me think the slightest good thing about you, let alone anything really great. How about you stop trying to be so cool, and focus on something a little more natural for yourself: being the complete loser you are.

P.S. at least your picture measures up to the rest of you: Ugly LOSER

IMPRIOTANT CYCLOSPS TO BELZAERMOS MESSAGE! IMPORTENT CYCLOPES TO BELZEMOMOS MESSAGE:

SHUT UP FAG

THAT IS ALL.

FUNNY MOMENT THAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME OF THE WEEK:

BACK WHEN I WASENT A 60 FOOT TALLS CYSCLOPES, ME AND JERRY WAS AT TEH DIARY QUEEN AND A HOT CHICK WAS WORKING AT THE COUNTAR AND JERY WANTED TO ASK HER OUT BUT WAS TO EMBARASSED TOO SO I SAID "GO ASK HER OUT YUO STUPID FAGOT" AND THEREWS A ICE CREAM SUNDAYS AT HIS HEAD. THEN JERRY WENT UP TO ASK HER ON A DATE AND HE PEED HIS PANTS BECUASE HE WAS SOO NERVOUS AND WE LAUGHED AT HIM AND HE RAN HOME AND CRIED WHICH SUCKED BECUASE I LEFT MY NINTINDO LIGHT GUN AT HIS HOUSE AND HE LOCKED ME OUT SO YOU KNOW WHAT I DID?

I FORGOT BUT MAYEB I WILL REMEMBAR NEXT WEEK ARE MAYBE I WILL AD IT IN WHEN I REMEMABER LATER BUT PRONBLY NOT OKEY????#

SEND ME MORE EMALE AND I WILL WRITE ABOUT YUO IN MY COLUMN NEXT WEEK AND WRITE BETTAR QUESTIONS bceayse some of them were frankely dumb. and if yuo send me meane emales, i will put yuor adress in the lettar like the ppl above so everybody knows yuo = fagot.

thx

bye

- JEFF K>

 

 

0WN3D BY CLAN 9MILLIMETER