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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Hipster Flare
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So I went shopping for jeans last night and it turned out
to be one of the worst shopping experiences I have ever
had. I have lost about 35 pounds, and all of the jeans I
own, save one black pair, slide down my hips and make me
look like one of those silly skaters with the butts of
their pants hanging somewhere near their kneecaps. So,
I decided it was high time I bought some jeans that fit -
a present to myself, if you will.
It was a terrible mistake. For years now I have purchased
all of my jeans in the mens department. A glance through the
jeans shelves told me that for some reason, men no longer
come in my size - 27/29s. They came in my size last year,
but apparently I am now too skinny and short to be a man.
(Woah to the short, skinny man.) So I wandered over to
the "8 - 20 year old" jeans in the little boys section,
thinking that I might find something of value there, slightly
disturbed that as a normal size 23 year old woman I had to
look for jeans in the toddler section.
Baggy. Loose fitting. A bizarre pair of jeans called
"Student" that had legs that were as wide as - nay, wider -
than the waist. I could not find, in the piles and piles of
denim, anything that didn't look like something an out of
work plumber or a 16th St. Mall homeless homegirl would wear.
Even the "classic" jeans had wide legs and odd, sagged out
asses. I was not to be deterred, however. I delved deeper,
finally overjoyed to see something called "boot cut". I
owned and loved a pair of boot cut jeans once - ever so
slightly flared below the knee, perfect for sliding over my
Doc Martens or riding boots, whichever was appropriate at
the time. To my horror, these new boot cut jeans can only be
described as bellbottoms. I threw them all down in disgust
and walked to the teen/ young miss department, resigned to
the fact that I would have to suffer with women's jeans.
Women's jean designers must never wear their jeans. The
high waists and strange pocket sizes make me (and women in
general) look strangely out of proportion, with unusually
wide asses. (Small, widely spaced pockets make butts look
big. It's the way of the world.) But I figured, with my new
slim size, that I could possibly find something that wouldn't
make me look like an elephant and still be comfortable. I
was horribly wrong.
Hipster flare. Bellbottoms. More dreadful Student
jeans. "Hard" jeans, which have an interesting color but
a horrific shape. More boot cuts wearing the bellbottom
shape, as if they were going to a masquerade. "Hi, I am
really a nasty 70's style pair of denims, but I'll call
myself boot cut to cause the frazzled shopper to scream
in agony." Carpenter jeans. I had a pair of carpenter
jeans once. They were the only things I could fit into
when I was a fat teenager. I am just not gonna go there
again. I finally found something called "Men's style jeans
for Women." I snatched up a pair of 28/29's, thinking I could
deal with something a little big in the waist to trade in
for a lack of hipster flare, Hardness, or Student. Again,
I was fooled. (Note: Men's jeans for woman do not have
the size printed on the tag at the waist. It simply says,
even for the largest size, S, presumably for "small." No
wonder women have eating disorders. Jean designers insist
that you be ashamed of your size, big or small.)
In the dressing room I surveyed the fit in despair. Way
too big in the legs. The back pockets were so wide in back
I could SEE them in the front, crawling toward my hipbones
like fat hands from a bad frat movie. Worse, the ass sagged,
so I knew that they had been DESIGNED to look that way. I
ripped them off in a frenzy, seized with the fear that
never again would I be able to buy a simple pair of jeans.
I left the store, annoyed. One of two things has happened.
I am either too old to wear the "latest styles" or people
have gone totally insane. I doubt that I am too old
because I wear some pretty "hip" clothes to work and am
perfectly fine with that. I have mountains of velvet and
PVC and leather and satin, all of which I wear happily,
not at all disturbed by the fact that I might be "too old"
to wear them. So there is only one conclusion.
Everyone has gone insane, and the average Gen X yuppie
yearns to look like a homeless hipster wearing the latest,
greatest, widest, hipster flares.
demonika
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