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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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He's Not A Truthful Person
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This is something Voyager recently told another person about me. It has
been gnawing at me ever since, because I know he is right. I do not hold
his statement against him. Why should I? He was telling the truth. More
than I had realized.
I know how he drew his conclusion of me. I will not defend myself or make
excuses. I will try to make you understand why it is true. Nothing more.
My father died when I was three years old. My mother was pregnant with my
youngest sister at the time. She was forced to raise her children alone
for several years, until there came a time when she couldn't do it
anymore, and married for convenience.
My new step-something was a closet alcoholic. After time he stopped
hiding it. He would often beat me when my mother was away. I told my
mother one day, and she didn't believe me. She had asked him about it,
and he denied it. She took his word over that of her son. Maybe it was
for convenience.
I was left to entertain myself most of my childhood. I never received an
allowance. I never received anything I asked for. I never had anything
but the bare essentials. I didn't have many friends.
My mom divorced my step-something after two years. She fell in love with
a neighbor. He had many children, whose source of entertainment was
beating on me. I told my mother. Her solution was to take me to my
ex-step-somethings house for the weekend to be watched while she worked,
along with my sister. Every Saturday morning we were taken there. I was
beaten repeatedly. Every Sunday I was picked up. I knew not to tell my
mother about it, because I had already tried that once, and it didn't work.
But I could tell from the look in her eyes she knew. Knew that each
Saturday morning, she was leading me to slaughter. She brought me there
for convenience.
Her boyfriend's kids kept beating on me. I said something. She asked, and
in the resulting verbal fight, they broke off the relationship. My mother
blamed me. Said it was all my fault. We moved away.
I learned three things from this. Don't trust anyone, because if you
can't trust your own mother, who can you trust. Keep your mouth shut, or
else you will be beaten for it. The truth doesn't mean anything and will
only hurt you.
I built a wall around myself. I lied to everyone, even my mother, about
everything. My reasoning was that you can't be hurt if they knew nothing
about you or what was really going on with you. In time I found the world of
computers a great place to hide from the world and be whoever I wanted to
be. I had the opportunity to build an image of myself among others of
how I would have wanted my life to be had I already not been destroyed
by others.
Over time, this image of who I wanted to be became so ingrained in my
psyche that it is who I became. I became this person without a foundation
for it to rest on. As time went on, I became trapped.
I stumbled upon philosophy one day and renounced god and religion. I
became my own god, and Objectivism became my new bible. I started to
become who I really was. I was happy. I had found meaning and direction.
But the ghost of my previous image I had built among others kept
returning to haunt me. I was not that person anymore, and I tried to
distance from it by simply being myself.
I made new friends. I took old friends who's friendship I valued aside
and talked about what you are reading now. I learned a new lesson by
doing this: The truth will set you free. Because once the truth is out
there for all to see, no one can use it against you. I refused to become
a prisoner of my past, living in fear of the truth.
My journey has been recent; it is only two years old. Voyager said his
journey took six years. I still have several years to go. Those of you
who have met me in the last year know the real me. I was actively
renouncing my past before I came out from the underground. But there is
still some of the old me mixed within that real me. People I have met in
the last year that I consider valued friends are seeing more of the real
me everyday. I am still shedding my past as I continue to grow and learn
more about myself, and having friends like Jericho make this whole
transition rewardable. I still have a long way to go, but I am slowly
making my way there.
I ask one thing of all who know me, whether you consider yourself my
friend or my enemy. Can we go from here? Ask and I shall tell you the
truth. No matter what the consequences.
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= Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, etc etc... =
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= (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author =
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(11/25/96)