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=  F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K.  =
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                   What is a Twit?, Are You a Twit?                               ³
                   --------------------------------

* Twits love DOWNLOADING. Uploading is for simpletons who can't tell
  whether they are coming or going. If Twits designed modems, we'd all
  have one which downloaded at 18.2 K-Baud, and uploaded at 300 baud.
  If Twits wrote protocols, the smallest block they could receive would
  be 10 megs.

* Twits can't READ or COUNT. This is evidenced by their total inability
  to comprehend System Rules, or Upload/Download Ratio's. But, for some
  strange reason, they can still use a computer.

  Because of this handicap, most Twits are unemployed. It is a miracle
  that most of them haven't been retained by the State to pick up trash
  on the expressways. They'd gladly volunteer for it, if it could be
  done with a modem and they were called "Remote-Trash Downloaders".

* Twits feel that the proper way to leave a board is to drop the
  carrier. They do this because they don't want to waste their valuable
  time exiting via the "Goodbye" command, when they could spend that
  time calling another board.

* Twits NEVER leave messages, unless it is rude, crude, or socially
  unacceptable. If an exception to this exists, it will probably be a
  creative one-liner such as
  "Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". Twits rarely reply to
  messages. Unless they enter a one-liner such as the one above.

* Twits NEVER communicate with SysOps, unless it is to ask WHY such and
  such a file is unavailable, to demand access to the "Pirate-Board",
  or to gripe about something. Mail from the SysOp is considered to be
  the electronic equivalent of "Junk-Mail", and should be ignored. In
  fact, there should be some form of law to stop it from being written.

* Twits NEVER pay for access to a computer system. They see themselves
  as latter-day "Robin-Hoods", taking from the rich (SysOps) and giving
  to the Poor (Themselves). Their motto is: "If it isn't free, it isn't
  worth having."

* Twits NEED multiple logon codes. This is the measure of their
  Twit-dom, and reflects their true status in the Twit-community. A
  Twit with only ONE logon code is a FAILURE, and faces censure and
  possible expulsion from their peer group. (It is no wonder that Twits
  exhibit schizo-tendencies)

* Twits know EVERYTHING. Just ask them. But, it'd take a crow-bar and
  dynamite to get any useful information out of them. These
  self-professed "experts" will RARELY stoop so low as to assist
  someone who may genuinely need some help. After all, a REAL "hacker"
  never needs or asks for help.

* A Twit would not be caught dead using their REAL NAME when calling a
  BBS. In fact, Twits refuse to leave anything more involved than a
  handle when registering with a BBS. (EVERYONE knows who "Slinky Toy"
  is!!!)

  The ONLY exception to this rule is that they will often use SOMEONE
  ELSE's real name. Or, they may use the name of a Heavy-Metal rock &
  roll group. (Imagine a system where everyone is named "Guns&Roses")

* Twits NEVER register their Shareware. Cash is what they use to buy
  faster modems. Program authors are neurotic-compulsives, and if they
  did not serve a purpose, Twits would have them abolished completely.

* Twits ADORE Sprint, MCI, and other long-distance credit card numbers,
  IF they belong to someone else. This also applies to COMPUSERV,
  SOURCE, etc. Their motto is: "If you can't steal it, it can't be much
  fun".

* A Twit is a "BBS Connoisseur". They KNOW how your system SHOULD look
  and run. They will not hesitate to inform you if it fails to meet
  their demanding and rigid expectations. (They consider this a "Public
  Service") However, they would NEVER trouble themselves to run their
  OWN BBS. That might take valuable time away from their duties as
  "Remotes" on the 30 or more systems they spend all their waking
  moments calling.

* Twits LOVE to page the SysOp, often just for the sheer hell of it.
  They are most fond of "Late-Night" paging. This is the perfect time
  for them to explain the infallable logic as to why they should be
  given Remote-SysOp access to your system. Their second most favored
  reason for wanting to chat is "Just checking to see if you were
  THERE!"

* Twits cannot comprehend WHY the IBM program they just downloaded
  won't run on their Atari 800. After all, programs are programs,
  right? And, any fool knows that a 32K machine can hold a 200K
  program.

* Twits can't TOLERATE seeing a command that they can't use. Their
  motto is "try, try again". If it didn't work the first time, it HAS
  to work on the second, third, fourth, etc. No self-respecting SysOp
  would intentionally offer them anything less than TOTAL ACCESS.

* Twits are FASCINATED by DOS. Their quest for it rivals the search for
  the legendary "Holy-Grail". They MUST reach it, through their modem,
  or all is lost. What they would do with it if they reached it, is
  probably a lot like what a dog who chases cars would do with one if
  he managed to catch it. (Pee on the tires?)

* Twits are totally ENGROSSED by hardware. They can conceive of the
  most unorthodox, outrageous, and potentially lethal contraptions
  known on Earth. Occasionally, these "time-bombs" actually work. Any
  difficulties they experience with their computers will fall under the
  heading of "Miscegenation", or "Poetic Justice".

* Twits CRAVE the LATEST version of "Goober-Pods", or "Space-Weenies".
  To reward the SysOp for access to such mega-byte gems, they will
  upload VALUABLE and USEFUL programs in return. Such as
  "Weasel-Stompers" for the Commodore-64, providing it is less than 10K
  in size.

* A Twit NEVER uses applications programs, and NEVER writes programs.
  (Programs are what Twits DOWNLOAD, and most can just BARELY write or
  spell) Their motto: "If you don't need a joystick to play it, it
  isn't worth having".

* A real Twit will FLATLY REFUSE to use ANY compression method on files
  they intend to upload. After all, SysOps sit and twiddle their thumbs
  waiting on something to do, and should be GRATEFUL that they get ANY
  uploads, EVER! They also refuse to upload documentation. (It is
  crutch for weak minds and the hallmark of the Geek.)

* Twits SUFFER if there are no "NEW" files on the system. There may be
  a correlation between "NEW" files and Twits, much as there is one
  which exists between dog-excrement and flies. The only difference is
  that flies usually leave after eating their fill. Twits don't.

* Twits desperately NEED to become Remote-Sysops. They KNOW that
  EVERYONE else on the system has SysOp capabilities, and don't want to
  be excluded from all the fun! (Are all Twits created equal?)

* Twits think that the "Caps Lock" key must be activated in order to
  properly leave a message on a board.  They think that their message
  is of such great importance that it must be screamed at everyone.

* Occasionally an above average Twit who discovers that modeming can be
  a two way street will attempt to get around upload\download ratios by
  renaming the same program fifteen or twenty times and using it to
  fill the sysop's hard disk with redundant programs.  After all, rules
  were meant to be broken, right?

Author Unknown : 02-10-91

Note: The original format of this file has been modified to fit the
      format of F.U.C.K.

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