This somehow ended up as "news" on Antionline. So news is news, we can
debunk it all the same.

   The Granny Hacker From Heck 
   Tuesday, February 23, 1999 at 11:43:38
   by Carolyn Meinel - Writing For AntiOnline 
   I sit in my home office, slaving over a hot computer. It's an NT server; next to it is an Indigo
   running Irix 6.2. Across the room is my Slackware box. They are linked by, ta, da! Ethernet. Two
   modems hum with TCP/IP over PPP.
   I'm the grannie hacker from heck. Elite d00dz tremble before my wrath. You don't believe me? Check
   out this ( See? Some of the scene's most dreaded
   hackers and brilliant computer security experts are trembling before my awesome skillz as, so they

   [Slight difference between 'trembling' and "tired of being slandered".]

   say, I run around erasing the systems files of helpless hacker boxes. I'm talking about people such
   as admitted black hat ( Brian Martin, AKA

   [She can link to an article, but can she read it? Where does it say I am 
   an admitted BLACK HAT hacker?]
   jericho, trembling in his boots. You know, the computer security professional from Repent Security,
   Inc. ( Come on, check this out (
   and see how terrified he is of me!
   Heck, even some FBI agents think I've waged a war of naughty images plastered over the likes of the
   New York Times and PenthouseWeb sites -- that I'm the Hacking for Girliez gang. Don't believe me?
   Martin even has a sound bite on his Web site with me apparently confessing to their crimes!

   [For the technology impaired *cough*, it is obvious this is a web page with
   a link to a sound byte on someone else's page. I did this to show that I had nothing to do with
   creating the sound byte.]
   So how did I become the grannie hacker from heck? It all started in 1995 when I went to Def Con III.
   Being such a good housekeeper, I couldn't help but be the person who discovered a live phone line in
   the convention ballroom. Of course I sprawled out on the floor, plugged my laptop into the line and
   telneted into a shell account. Lo and behold, "Evil Pete" Shipley, leader of the Dis Org gang
   (, strode over. He was quite a wonderment, with fangs and spurs and
   lovely black hair flowing to his waist. He crouched down beside me and asked, "You got a telnet
   session going?"

   [This entire incident with Shipley asking to use her notebook to do something
   at work is false. Shipley has always had his own laptop on top of work issued hardware.]
   "May I borrow it for a minute? I need to do something at work."
   That was when the naughty side of me took over, you know, the Mrs. Hyde thing. "Suurreee:)," I
   replied. I handed my laptop to him, then leaned over and clicked a function key.
   "What did you just do?" Evil Pete demanded.
   "I turned on logging." I tried to wipe the cat got the canary look off my face.
   "You tried to steal my password!" Evil Pete stood up and started shouting, to no one in particular,
   "This woman tried to hack me! Bad hacker etiquette!"
   "Sheesh," I pouted. "It's my computer, I can run keystroke logging if I want to!"
   Maybe I was plum lucky. Full as that ballroom was with guys toting Miranda cards, not a single Fed
   rushed over to bust me. That was what really got me inspired. I could hack a big wig computer
   security fellow right in front of the Feds, and get away with it! The sense of power drove me mad,
   Anyhow, that is how I got started persecuting the biggest and the baddest hackers and computer
   security experts on the planet.

   Recently the organizer of Rootfest ( kicked me off the program of his hacker
   con because Evil Pete had warned him that I had put out a special, secret Guide to (mostly) Harmless
   Hacking showing newbies how to hack Pete's domain. Pete even showed him a copy of this GTMHH,
   a special edition of Vol.1, #3. It's one that you won't find anywhere on the Web, I think only Pete,
   Mr. Rootfest and I have copies of it. Anyhow, this smart move of Pete's has saved the planet from the
   live "how to hack" class I was going to teach at Rootfest.

   [The organizer of Rootfest was shown material on this web site among others,
   and he was asked to make his own decision about booting her. He did.]
   Intoxicated as I am by hacking, nowadays my spinning wheel sits gathering dust, and a shirt I was
   sewing lies half-finished. I used to be such a sweet housewifey, I swear! You don't believe me? I
   have witnesses! I used to demonstrate wool carding at the New Mexico State Fair! I used to make
   gourmet goat cheese and station bouquets of cut flowers from my greenhouse in Martha-Stewart-approved
   locations about my home.

   [She disowned her daughter for associating with security professionals! Another 
   daughter walked in on her husband while masturbating in the living room. Good housewife what?]
   What caused my fall from the Better Homes and Gardens set? The sweet taste of being a meanie against
   the world's hairiest hackers!
   Sooo, will the rampage of grannie hacker from heck ever end? My victims are trying to figure out how
   to defend themselves against me. Evil Pete told the organizer of Rootfest that in self defense, my
   hacker victims have brought many lawsuits against me. Much more effective than a firewall, right?
   Especially against us Uberhacker grannies!
   Now, I haven't seen any of these lawsuits, but as we all know, hackers never lie. The suspense is

   [And why was Shipley's image removed from the second edition of her book? 
   The *threat* of a lawsuit.]

   getting to me. When will this army of lawyers my victims have marshalled actually materialize? Will

   [Maybe the same time your repeated lawsuit threats materialize?]

   they sue me into submission? How much more damage will I and my Happy Hacker
   ( army of newbies do before lawyers save the world from my depredations?
   Stop me before I hack again!
   In the meantime, while waiting for the lawyers to save you, what can you do to keep me from making
   naughty body parts sprout on your Web site? Here are my top five suggestions:
   1) Buy my Happy Hacker book. I don't rm the operating system of anyone who buys my book, because
   after reading it you will know enough to protect yourself from me. Also, when you see me trying to
   secure shell into your ftp port, you'll know I'm just yanking your chain.

   [You can't SSH into an FTP port. Instant denial. Of course, this is her botching
   a reference to her own mistakes over a year ago, when she *telnetted* into an SSH port and
   had no clue what it was.]
   2) Send me computer jokes. I'm a sucker for them and will be too busy laughing and forwarding them to
   my friends to hack you. The following is an example of something that meets my laughability
   An engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer are driving down a mountain road when the brakes
   fail. They scream down the mountain gaining speed every second and screeching around corners. Finally
   they manage to stop, more by luck than by judgment, inches from a thousand foot drop to the jagged
   rocks on the valley floor. More than slightly shaken, they emerge from the car. "I think I can fix
   it," says the engineer. The systems analyst says, "No, I think we should take it into town and have a
   specialist examine it." The programmer, holding his chin between thumb and forefinger says, "Okay,
   but first I think we should get back in and see if it does it again."
   3) Give me a 120 cubic meter Cameron hot air balloon with complete accessories, you know, stuff like
   a rate of ascent/descent meter, GPS, one ton king cab chase truck with Tommylift gate... I'll be so
   busy accidentally landing on the classified areas of Sandia Labs, Area 51 etc. that I'll retire my
   computers next to the spinning wheel and unfinished shirt. I can see it now, "Gosh, Colonel, you know
   how these balloons are, I got caught in a thermal and next thing I knew I was here:)"
   4) After we had a fight, my ex-husband used thermite to melt down our 30 mm Finnish antitank gun.
   Gimme another one. With ammunition. Or else.

   [Which ex-husband? The cool one or the one that was caught masturbating in
   your living room that so traumatized your daughter?]
   5) Our church music director could use 50 copies of the score for Jesus Christ Superstar. If I can
   get some snivelling coward to give them to us in exchange for me promising not to hack him, maybe I
   can get to sing Mary Magdalene. If Lisa gets the part, I'll hack the church computer so Zippy the
   Pinheadisms creep into the bulletins.
   I guess that's enough extortionate demands. I gotta get back to sneaking Trojans into military
   computers so I can launch World War III while making it look like Y2K bugs so I won't get into
   trouble. As for those computer security professionals I've been fubaring, do you suppose I'll ever
   feel remorse? No way! If they want to call themselves computer security experts, they'd better be
   ready to take heat from the granny hacker from heck!
   Carolyn Meinel ( is a computer fubar expert and clown princess of the
   non-profit Happy Hacker, Inc. She lives in Cedar Crest, NM with her long-suffering hubby, four cats,
   three horses, three dogs, two toads and two mosquito fish.
   PS: The thing about the thermite is a slight exaggeration. Everything else is true -- remember, you
   read this on the Internet, so it must be true. Be sure to email a copy of this to Craig Shergold and
   everyone else your know and Bill Gates will give you $1000. Be sure to put "Good Times" in the
   subject. If you don't email this out within ten days, you will be cursed with seven years of bad luck
   and wake up in a bathtub full of ice with your kidneys missing. Honest!