PERL and the Art of Looking It Up Yourself
Cancer Omega <>

Hardly a week goes by when we don't receive a request for the contents of the code that does the following on the Attrition Main Page:

"I want to assure you that you will not hear any language that is not common at, say, a dock workers union meeting, or Tourrett's convention, or profanity seminar. Rest assured." -- Jon Stewart

It's a little quote cranked out by a little program that took very little time to write.

#!/usr/bin/perl -- Trivial Quote Generator - Cancer Omega <>
print"Content-type: text/html\n\n";open(Q,"<./QUOTE_FILE.TXT")||die"\"$!\"\n";
if($qs[0] ne ""){print"<a href=\"$qs[0]\">$qs[1]</a>\n";}else{print"$qs[1]\n";}

This document explaining the code took longer to write than the code itself. The reason: this code and its functionality are beyond simple; they're trivial. To wit:

  1. print"Content-type: text/html\n\n";

    Deliver output as part of an HTML page.

  2. open(Q,"<./QUOTE_FILE.TXT")||die"\"$!\"\n";

    Open and assign a file handle to a text file. The text file is comprised of individual records separated by newlines and fields within the records separated by carats (^). If the quote file cannot be opened, give the file open error. Split the input by newlines. Select one line by a pseudorandom value. Close the filehandle.

  3. chomp($q);@qs=split(/\^/,$q);

    Strip newline; split the chosen line into elements for the array, @qs.

  4. if($qs[0] ne ""){print"<a href=\"$qs[0]\">$qs[1]</a>\n";}

    Check that the first element of the array isn't empty. If true, use the URL of the array's first element with the quote in the second element. If false, just print the quote in the second element of the array.

That's it.

That's right. That's IT. Like I said, this code is TRIVIAL. Minimal research (via a resource such as CPAN or even Google) by anyone with even the slightest understanding of PERL would have yielded more than ample information to compose a similar — if not identical — script!

Look, I don't mind helping people. I don't even mind giving people quick answers to quick questions. But when people write to me asking for this data without so much as even perfunctory research on their own...well, that's where I get a bit annoyed.

From this time forward, any "gimme" requests for script codes aren't going to get an answer; they're going to get forked over to the Attrition Going Postal section.